Tonight I was talking with my fiancé and he said he is really concerned about me because I have been "out of it" lately. Last night after Thanksgiving was over him and a bunch of our guy friends were going to Denny's to do a "orphans and friends" night. Well, before he left he was like "I feel like I don't want to leave you alone because I am scared you are going to overdose again"
Honestly, overdosing hasn't even been an option for me. I haven't thought about it nor do I want to think about it. But apparently I am acting the way I did right before my suicide attempt back in April. I can see where he is coming from though...I have been kind of out of it.
Yesterday was hard and I didn't talk much at all. I snacked on some goldfish crackers earlier on in the day and then had some dinner at the Thanksgiving meal. I skipped dessert because everyone around me started talking about how they needed to throw up because they ate so much...I really felt like I was in a bad movie. It was hard not to burst into tears multiple times.
Today, I didn't get out of bed until 4 pm..and then I only got out because I had to go to work. I was snappy at work and very lethargic (which is very unlike me). I see my new therapist Monday so maybe that will go over well. But for now I am just going to lay in bed because that is all I have the energy for.
Also lately my joints have been in so much pain. I can't sleep because of it and I can barely move sometimes. Not to mention my hair is falling out...it is all in my shower :( But I am not underweight so I am still ok right.... :/
Um, something isn't right here... Everything you're describing could result from lack of adequate nutrition: being out of it, feeling lethargic, being grumpy, losing hair... Goldfish and a little bit of dinner is NOT enough for an entire day! You might not be medically underweight at the moment, but you're headed in that direction. Besides, you may be below your set point, which is basically the same thing. A "normal" weight does NOT mean that you're still okay; it sounds like you need to get help! I hope all goes well with your new therapist; keep us posted!
Ashley....your weight does not always determine health/illness. Based on what you shared, your routine and the way you have been feeling, you are not doing so well (not your fault, but this ED still has it's grips on you)
If you aren't eating adequately, no matter what you weigh, it will likely lead to bingeing/purging, and you are already experiencing the lethargy.
Please follow your prescribed meal plan and consider seeing a therapist....you deserve to be free from this!! Take care..Jan ♥
hey ashley, i'm sorry that things still don't seem to go better but i'm glad you'll see someone next week. please let us know how it all went.
as for the joints and hair: of course jan and vero are right and i'm sure you know that too. you should defo be eating more again but of course ED is a monster enemy. could you for the time being maybe take supplements to at least give your body some nutrition. i started taking omeaga 3-6-9 years ago when my knees were acting up and it helped me a million times. (obviously it doesnt replace healthy eating!) think about it.
Hey ashley!
I'm so sorry to hear things are not going well. You obviously need more nutrition, but you already know that. ;) I understand how you're feeling though. I'm at a "normal" weight for me too but i have a lot of problems with my bones from the lack of nutrition. My hair is too falling out and it scares me. Maedi is right in maybe you should try some supplements for now. And then maybe when you see your new therapist you can talk about an alternative. Keep us posted and hang in there!
Ashley, as many others have pointed out, weight has no reflection on the severity of your ED. You are spiraling quickly and I'm greatly concerned. Are you under any added stress right now that u think might have triggered ED?
I mean I am not under a lot of added stress. I am planning a wedding and just moved out of my dad's house, got promoted at work, and I am starting back school in Jan...but really those are all good things.
But it is stressful....all those things add up. Maybe its just a bit overwhelming and this has been what triggered ED for you? Regardless of what triggered it, we need a plan to kick his ***!!!
At least you have someone that can see that you are in distress or are at least not yourself. And he is just concerned for you and your well being. He doesn't want to see you hurt again. Are you stressed out about anything? My joints hurt bad when I keep stressing about things, but I stress about everything. I got diagnosed with bpd because I kept getting short with everyone for no reason and just everything about life just irritated me. I don't know why, just didn't want to be bothered. I can't even say my Thanksgiving dinner was out of a movie, more like out of a ghetto Nanny Mcphee, except the children were too bad for her to change and she actually got uglier.
I know how it is to look down to people, don't feel down yourself, and then something happens. All I can say is don't let your feels over power your and just relay all unclear thoughts to your fiancé. He seems more than willing to understand and be there for you.
even if those things are generally good, it still sounds like huge changes in your life that can easily mess with your thoughts even if only subconsciously.
do you for example think often about things you HAVE to do, for work, for the new plac, for the wedding? even if it's fun doing everything it could amke you forget about yourself allover again so that ED is trying to take over again.
xxx
Stress does not have to be made up of "bad" things... Stress is really anything out of the ordinary.... Anything that requires more of our attention. Or stirs up our emotions (ANY kind of emotions). Everything you mentioned qualifies, A... Yes, they're all positive steps, but they are all life changing events. I'm happy for you; you're really moving your life along in a wonderful direction! :) I remain concerned, however, that you have not yet learned to substitute some good coping skills for your prior behaviors... I hope your new therapist can help you address this. :)
Jen is right, stress is stress, good or bad ... unfortunately. Sometimes we don't even realize it but even while all the good things are happening they can put a lot of pressure and we forget how to handle our emotions. I know from my own experience that this is usually when ED kicks it into full gear. We gotta learn how to stop and breathe sometimes. But in the process we're all here for you.