When I was 2, my mother married her third husband; my step-dad. My biological sperm donor was very abusive (as were all her husbands) and tried to kill my mother when she was pregnant with me. My mom and all her husbands were alcoholics. My mom also has MPD; multiple personality disorder;( now known as DID) she has 3 distinct personalities and her primary; so I basically grew up with 4 moms.
My step dad began sexually abusing me when I was 3, which went on for 8 years. As a means of escape, I began drinking when I was 10. My mom was oblivious to this. When I was almost 12; I attempted suicide as a means of escape. Which prompted my step dad to accuse me of being promiscious and a “problem child” as well as bulemic. I was taken from the emergency room to a psych hospital for 30 days, where I celebrated my 12th birthday in restraints. My step dad left me alone when I came home; after all, I was “crazy” and it might be contagious, soon after my mother and I left him after he attempted to kill us by cutting the brakes on the car.
I was in and out of girls homes, dumped on other family members and eventually became emancipated from my mom at 16. I went from man to man and “alternative lifestyles” for several years. I quit school but later got my GED. But I became a professional student. I went to beauty school, secretarial school, medical assistant school, private investigator school and numerous psychology courses. I also studied numerous religions from Buddhism to witchcraft. I even got my Pastoral certification (ordination) and a BA in divinity. I have clung to primarily Wiccan beliefs.
My daughter and I were homeless and lived in my car until it was repossesed and then we lived on the street. Prior to that when we lived with her sperm donor, we had lots of money and lived very well. But he was abusive and we left him when she was only 6 months old. I’ve lived in probably 40 different places in my life. Including my 80 acre ranch in the White Mountains, living totally off the grid.
I was also a drug addict and got involved with a biker gang. I have been to jail 3 or 4 times and prison for 18 months. I have attempted suicide 12 times in the last 35 years. I’ve been in and out of rehab’s. I’ve been married and divorced 3 times and have two children (and now two grandchildren) my son is the product of a rape in 1992.
My daughter is in the air force and my son recently went to live with her out of state because he couldn’t follow my rules; you know the ones like don’t destroy property, don’t go to jail, don’t try to kill your mom. Both of my children are basically out of my life.
I went back to school again and got a degree in social services. I’ve worked the last 10 years in the behavioral health field in one capacity or another. I also operated my own community outreach service out of my own and did life coaching. All the while trying to appear “normal” with my own diagnosis of PTSD, BPD, bi-polar.
I published my first book in 2003 and continue to sporadically work on 3 more as well as freelance article writing. I recently had a melt down and am no longer working or functioning very well. I have lost my identity somehow. I’ve also discovered that I need to refocus on getting myself well as opposed to putting on a facade of being well.
So, why am I telling you all this? To brag or say look what I’ve done? To get sympathy? NO. My point in writing this is to show all of you that no matter what you have done, where you’ve been or how bad life has been, I know in the deepest recesses of my mind that it can change and get better. We are not our diagnosis’. We are not helpless (even though I may feel that way right now). We do have things to offer to this world. Although we may never be “cured”, we can be better than what we are right now. So no matter how many times I say “**** it”, I know that it can get better. Like I always say; this too shall pass–it might feel like a kidney stone while it’s passing, but it will pass.