Hi,
I'm new to this site but sadly not new to this illness. I've struggled along what feels like an OCD spectrum of mild quirk to severe interference in my life for about 6 years. I've never been quite this bad for so long. Stranger still is that I've never been completely clear of it since I first had symptoms but no matter how bad I've gotten, I've somehow managed to sort of "snap" out of it, and slip back along the spectrum towards the mild quirks end. So I have this false notion that it is like this weird storm of silly thoughts and acts that will just disappear or at least diminish once I give it time. It seems to appear/worsen, quite understandably, during times of high stress and depression. It seems that when something happens to alleviate the stress and bad feelings, I can finally start listening to the part of my brain that knows the false thoughts and impulses are ridiculous. That part of my brain is always present but I just don't listen to it. Things like somehow achieving an accomplishment or good praise and attention from someone sometimes is enough to set me on a bit of high and things start to pick up from there. I know, how pathetic that my happiness and self worth/esteem is so dependent on outside factors. I dislike that about myself but it is the way it is. I have been waiting and waiting but I am currently living alone, surrounded only by a few friends I only met when I moved here to Germany 7 months ago (lived in France last year and before that was back home in North America), I'm in a high stress academic situation (I am in a portfolio school so it is studies as well as huge pressure for creativity and competition amongst my piers, and sadly most of those I do know struggle with depression because, hey, that's what you find with so many creative types). So my environment is full of high stress factors that aren't going to change. I have a therapist from back home who luckily skypes with me and he, along with friends and family have finally convinced me that I need medical intervention because my OCD prevents me from eating most things, so I am lacking nutrients and strength making me further depressed, and the OCD worse.
My situation is kind of urgent BUT I'm still terrified of getting help. I have to go to a hospital to get directed into treatment because that's how it works in Germany. I'm worried they might hospitalize me, and my mother just told me it might not be a bad thing. And they will likely say I need to take meds. But these 2 options are things I fear the most. I mean, I am always worried about consuming the wrong thing. I won't go into detail because I know it freaks me out to hear other people's obsessions because sometimes they become mine. But basically, the things I need to do to get help, are exactly the things, that if I could do them, I wouldn't be sick. So, how can I do the treatment, if not being able to do the treatment is exactly the definition of why I am not well. Man, does this even make any sense? I don't even think anyone can help me find my way out of this vicious cycle. I wish I could be OCPD because then I could just embrace the obsessions and compulsions and strive on them. Instead they are debilitating and I am literally frozen. I feel like I can't do anything and I feel completely alone.
Hope this made sense. Anyone else ever feel like this and still break free from the OCD monster?