I am brand new to this but I have been sober since Sept 30 2010
I am in out-patient treatment right now and just completed the first phase. I love the group that I am and so blessed i am finally getting the help I need. But I have a problem with one of the group members and I was wondering if I get your option on my problem. Let me know and I will share it.
I think you should just go ahead and share it on here anyway. I'm sure you'll get a response from at least one person. I just joined this site earlier today and I've already recieved a lot of support. I'm sure you'll find the same thing. Good luck! Also. Very good job on staying sober. You must be very proud. :] And welcome to the site!
Hi Blessing, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . Congratulations on your sober time. Please feel free to share with us what is going on. We may be able to help you. Are you attending AA meetings? If so, do you have a sponsor? Keep taking ti one day at a time. Keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. ((((hugs))))
Sorry everyone I was busy all day and when I got home I feel asleep. Thank you for your encouraging words and welcome me as well. Very happy I can be here and have the support.
I will try and keep this as short as I can I will just break this down step by step. Let me know your thoughts on first part of my story and then I will keep going...
I start out patient treatment in nov its three nights a week for 3 hours for six weeks. Not sure if you know this or been in treatment before, but this is new to me and my first time being in treatment. You know how you have to open up to the group and share things. And we all signed a Confidentiality agreement and the leader tells us we are safe and nothing goes out of this room. so we all open up and poor out our guts. Well I started to become friends with one of the guys in the class. So he was going to help me with my resume and I gave him my email address to email me so I could send it to him. Well the first time I got an email from him he wanted to wish me luck in court. Of course being a felmale, being hurt and all that, I was so touched by the email that someone was thinking of me and cared as well. Also it was really nice of him to do that. So I did send him my resume. Then I added him to facebook and told him he did not have to do and I would understand that. But he added me. I knew better to keep the chatting short and nothing more because he has a girlfreiend that reads all this stuff and has all his passwords as well. She is verbal and emotional abusive to him but he is blind to that like most people are when they are being battered. Well one night class was canceled and the leader asked me to email or try to let him know. So I did by email and facebook just saying class is canceled tonight. So hours later he said thanks and I just asked him how long it took to get home he said hours and I was like that sucks and said I bet you smoked a whole pack. He responded back about that and then that was it. So remember his girlfriend of I think over five years has access to his stuff and I knew that so I keep the chat same and nothing big. I did not think what we chatted about was out of line do you think that?
Well the next morning I get an email from his girlfriend (they say they are married but they are not). This is what is said to me....
This is his wife. Just wanna let you know that I appreciate your support and thank you for being there for hom. I hope that you do understand that I don't appreciate you texting or emailing my husband. I feel that the things you guys text each other are personal and as his wife that is what I am here for. I don't understand what the goal is for these text or your relationship deal???? Please know your boundaries. How would you feel if I was texting your husband of course that's probably why you dont have a husband. As women, I hope you will not find this email highly offensive, but all I'm asking is that he does have a life outside of group. I am the one there when there is no one else. I am the one who was there going through the hard tough times with him. Of course I don't know what else he has told you. He lost his business and has been very depressed since then, but that is no reason to take advantage of him. He is planning to move out today anyways. Maybe over to your place. I love him, but the drama is just too much for me.
When I read that I was like WTF and took all my strength not to email her back. I was so sick about it inside and just taken back by this that I did not go to my class that night because I did not want to see him and I was so sick about it. Just the fact that I created drama for him and he has to much going on and did not need this now. I am just a kind and caring person so I felt so bad. But to me I did not see where I was in the wrong or over stepping boundries and she does not let him have a life outside of group I know this because of what we talk about in class.
So what do you think about this so far?
Hi Blessing, I read what you posted. My thoughts are that you are in early recovery. You do not need this right now. You have already let this keep you from going to your class once. I suggest letting go of this friendship as it is not healthy for you especially with being in early recovery. It was suggested to me when I came into recovery for women to stick with women and men with men. I feel that suggestion was made for one reason because of what you have posted. You need to take care of yourself and your sobriety first. Put that above all else. I am sorry that your new friend is having problems but I feel they are problems that you don't need to be involved in right now. You are free to do as you like. Myself, I would let him go and take care of myself first. Keep taking it one day at a time. No matter what, I suggest keep going to your classes. Don't let him or anyone or anything else keep you from recovering. Keep coming and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much I totally agree with you. Just glad I learned my lesson right now and later. My counselor said pretty much the something. I just am trying to learn to take care of me right now and everyone else.
Well I the story gets worse too.
I agree. It's very sad to have to lose a friendship but you are dealing with a woman who is clearly irrational, based on what you've said about the abuse and the nonsensical email. It's definitely most important to take care of yourself and I see your relationship with him being more harmful than helpful, unfortunately. Anyway. I'd like to hear the rest of the story if you're up for it. And good luck!
So the next day when I went to class my group leader asked me if I was ok and I said no and did not want to talk about yet. She said that when I missed class he shared with the group what happen and was hoping I did miss class because of that. I said I did and I was shocked by the email from her. My group leader said was like what!!! so when I asked him about it he said he knew she sent it. I said why would you do that and was like I do not care. And does nit have to deal with it. Well I told him I hurt sick about and upset and voiced my concern for him and his recovery. So I was really sad when I got home. Well about midnight I get am email from him saying I miss taking to you. I said I do too and was sorry if I was being sensitive to his needs and I know you are in a hard place right now And I just care about you and your recovery. So the next day he and I were like peas and carrots again. My leader asked if I was ok and I said yes because he emailed me last night and I thought he cared and did bug him.
Any comments?
Well the next week I did go in early to talk to my leader to tell her how I felt and that I was ok and how he sent me an email saying he missed talking to me. She wanted to make sure I was ok and be comfortable in group. But at first when it happen and how he told me he did not care hurt it's like my one safe place was not safe anyone. And it would be hard to sit there and not anything because I do not trust him because of that.
Well the weekend of new years I emailed my group a new years poem. Well he emailed me back. Here is how it went.
Here is the email I first sent out.
A poem as the new year approaches.
"At the sound of the tolling midnight bell a brand new year will being. Let raise our hopes in a confident toast, to the promise it ushers in.
May your battles be few, your pleasures many, your wishes and dreams fulfilled. May your confidence stand in the face of loss and give you the strength to rebuild.
May peace of heart fill all your days, may serenity grace your soul. May tranquil moments bless your life and keep your spirits whole."
Unknown
Wishing you all a wonder and safe New Year's Eve
His reply.
I am thinking of that night with you alone. your poem is very nice. thank
Me.
You mean wednesday?
You are welcome. I just want you to know how proud I am of you for trying your hardest and being honest in group. Even if you do fall again at least you know I am here for you and still think the world of you.
(no keep in mind he was only give me ride home which we live close to each other)
Him.
yes Wednesday. thank you for your support
Me.
Really why?
Always and forever. There are reasons why we come across people during parts of lives and I hate the mess I got into but if it was not for that I would have never meet you and group.
Him.
Wednesday was nice. I like to see you happy too. seeing you was very pleasurable to me
(now when I read that it did not sound right to me or like him)
Me.
Same for me. So let me ask you something. You know how I feel about you but I wanna know how you feel about me. Besides I am the coolest lol
So I never got a email back at all. So Monday when we class he did show up and I felt sick inside so I emailed to see if he was ok and if I did anything to offen him.
No email back. Now I know him and if he missed class it had to something with his girlfriend. You know how you just know women are good at feeling.
So Tuesday we came and it was my last night of intense care and he told me on break "you know those emails you sent me where from my girlfriend she was email you" I said why would you do that. He said again I do not care and I think it's kind of funny and not. I said it's not and walked away. So here I am in class and people where saying good luck to me and for the first time since I stopped drinking i wanted to get out of there go drink and pass out. That is how I would handle things when I am hurt. So when it came to him to good luck to me it was insulting to me.