Better appointment

Today my scheduled appointment went a lot better than previous ones. I really didn't discuss the problems I have been having eating the past few days. She actually told me how much I gained. I know, I hate knowing. But it didn't bother me much. She was actually happy that I stabilized and is allowing me more exercise time. I don't know if this is good or bad in my present downfall. She says I look happier and good and my therapist, we are going to finally set up an appointment for about a month from now (by then insurance should be good). I don't know if I look happier. Am I putting on an unintentional mask? I have no idea. I am really confused. I am not sad, but I am not as proud as I was two weeks ago when everything was going great.

I am just thankful this appointment didn't make my day worse, its neutral.

alle is it ok with you to know how much you gained? you can always tell her if it isnt right for you...do what is right for you--and allee you should tell her of your problems with your meal plan now and she should not be allowing more workout time if you are having trouble right now....that is dangerous...for you...

and when seeking help---whatever you do--do not put a mask on or else you will not get the help you need. you need to be you the real you---sad, unhappy , angry--emotinal--how you feel not how you want others to think you feel....

good, you are going good allee--and i hope the month goes by quickly for you--remember you have us on here--not that it is a replacement for real help, cuz it is not, but hey--i think it helps....

love
maureen

Thanks maureen,

I am just so used to hiding it. Suppressing my feelings. Not telling others my secrets you know? Its a weird transition. She didn't give me more work out time. Just said the same amount but was more confident about it. For me working out was never a purging method. If I haven't eaten I won't work out. And normally working out is how I actually get myself to eat. Weird I know. Like oh I am going to the gym later I need this energy now. And especially after I get hungry even though I only run like a mile or so. So it may have the opposite effect on me.

And this site does help. A lot :)

allee

allee yourbody needs food even not working out---just because you are not workingout does not mean you should not eat. it still needs fuel just to function...

and keeping things secret will just eat at you...it is better albeit hard to devulge them, but so much freeing afterwards....
have you thought of going to a treatment center????

love
maureen

No never. I mean I probably should have when I was really ill a few years back. But I am not that bad! I am completely normal in weight. So everyone thinks I am fine. I mean isn't going to a treatment center really for severe cases? Sorry if I am naive. I honestly don't know about treatment much at all...

allee

no allee--you dont have to be underweight to be seriously ill with ED. not at all... when i was deep in ED last year--my weight would vary from thin, to normal--to heavy even cause the starvation hurts your metabolism alot....so you do not have to be underweigth to have ED. this is a MYTH and if they are a good treatment center--they WILL know that. there are some ignorant doctors who think you ahve to be underweight to get help--but it is really really untrue.... really... and there are also lots of doctors who know you dont have to be underweight to need help.

cause when i was deep into it--i was also a normal weight. my body type will never be a skinny one--so if people were to look at me--even if i had lost a lot of weight--id look fine. no one could tell visibly. but you know what--you cant jsudge a book by its cover--right? so whoever thinks you need to look sick to be sick just isnt that good of a doctor or not educated enough ...

you deserve treatment at any weight ---no you do not need to be underweight to be very ill from it. there MUST be a good place that knows that that can help you....

love
maureen

oh also and everyone with an ED evena t its worst thinks--'its not that bad!"

love
maureen

I just know I am not in the place where I was at my worse. I am not at my best either. I always thought I was never ever going to prove I needed to go to a treatment center. No one ever saw how thin I was, how tired I looked, how disgusting I had become. No one saw my lack of energy, my lack of self esteem, my lack of Life. So even when my outside showed no one did anything all they said was you look GREAT! Maybe they just didn't want to admit it. If I can see it in a picture, that means alot since I thought it was beautiful so they should see it too.

Now just my insides are broken looking. Nothing to see outside. I spoke up for help. I am getting a therapist. But treatment. No. No one will think I need it. They all think I am FINE. They think I am stressed. I will get over it. Maybe. I don't know. Or drown.

ED SUCKS- No one sees that your screaming from the inside...

allee

Allee....I know all about the mask, and trying to pretend that everything is fine. It works for a while (or seems to), but I hope you can get to the point where you are able to 'bare it all' so to speak, and allow others to see just how special you really are!
I can tell you are not one to give up....take care, and please know that I am thinking about you!! HUGS..Jan ♥

again allee you dont have to LOOK sick to be sick, you know? it is nothing but a myth that you have to be super thin to have an ED as there are plenty of us who have had EDs were a normal weight and looked fine....

a lot of times --you cant SEE how a person FEELS.

that doesnt mean you dont deserve treatment....or help, allee...

love
maureen

You are right Maureen! I just never looked at it that way- no one does really. And honestly I feel horrible right now physically and mentally. I am a mess.

I may deserve treatment. Even though I don't "believe I am that bad" or as bad as I was. But I don't think I could even consider that type of treatment. I would be too scared to even think it. I am just now working on the whole therapist thing- and that is freaking me out enough on top of the nutritionist and evil nurse. I am a mess and falling so much right now just dealing with that.

thanks Maureen for always being so supportive!

PS Maureen- because of your name I honestly every time without fail write out Christa and then realize OH no that is her screen name! haha not her actual name! Sorry I keep doing that.

your very welcome---allee! it is ok if you call me christa also--that is my middle name so dont worry--either one is my name---well christa is part of my name--hahaha...

just remember a lot of us here on this site thought that we didnt deserve help because we werent underweight...but it is so far from the truth. it think allee--when i was in my ED the most last year and a normal weight---wouldnt i have deserve help as much as someone who was underweight? of course i would. weight has nothing to do with it... and starvation can actually make you put on weight cause it kills your metabolism so, it doesnt even really make you lose weight... anyway...

is the nutritionist helping you in any way???

stay strong....

love
maureen

She is really nice. But I cant seem to stay on her meal plan with the exchange. Its not working. I have given up...obviously. I haven't really been eating at all. I don't know what to do. I am scared to tell her I can't do it. That I am a failure.

yes getting a meal plan without therapy will not work at all.. you need the backup. is therapy ---at least planned fro a month? and i would definetly say make sure she knows of EDs casue most dont...

im sorry you are struggling... i dont know what to say to help you out of this, i wish i knew...

just remember how happy you were a few weeks ago, and that it isnt worth destroying your health or dying over( and i know we all think that wont happen, i did too till i was comatose in a hospital in 2004)...

it is not worth being crippled from arthritis like i am now..

try to look for support groups.... on campus...

love
maureen

Allee,

Lots of good support here. ♥ I'm reminded of Jan's cake analogy... It took me time to regain my weight, too... To stabilize and hit my set-point. And then... That was the tricky stage when I LOOKED okay, but I was still plagued by my eating disorder... It's possibly the most difficult time in recovery... One still FEELS fragile. But people treat us as though we're stronger and healed. Outside, our people pleasing natures nod along and smile. Inside, we're shouting because we STILL NEED HELP... ♥

I get that...

I don't think you necessarily need treatment at this point... Though I agree that you definitely DESERVE help! ♥ I'm just thinking that your progression reminds me a lot of my own... I also reached a point where I looked healed, but I was stagnating... Struggling. My depression was worsening and I was sinking fast. My therapist at that time thought I needed to go in-patient. This was shocking to me because my weight was stable! Healthy! I looked for outpatient treatment elsewhere, went through my evaluation, was HONEST, and was told that their standard outpatient program would be able to help me. They were right. ♥ I've had individual therapy and group therapy every week, along with nutrition counseling. I've continued with this site and my support groups. It was HARD... But I DID it... ♥

I don't mean to compare our situations, Allee... Everyone is different and their needs are totally unique. But, it sounds like you're in a place right now that I was in just this past spring... And I know how confused and frustrated and desperate I felt. The different opinions from professionals were equally tortuous. But in the end, I did what I felt I needed, always keeping the option for in-patient open, should I prove to truly need that.

Therapy is a God-send! ♥ Definitely something to dig in and try before calling for treatment.

Just my opinion. ♥

Love,

Jen

what about out patient allee, like jen suggested????

love
maureen

I mean it sounds great, but I mean I cant. I am not being negative, but I am in school. Is that even possible to do while at college. I barely have time as it is with nutrition appointments and the stupid nurse appointments (which I see no point for by the way). I don't even know how to look for an out patient treatment- where to even begin with boggles my mind.

Thank you Jen for the support. Its okay to compare. Makes me feel less alone. But what you said sounds quite similar to now.

Maureen, the therapist will be an ED specialist. So at least that sounds on track for what I need. And yes, nutritionist doesn't really work with out the therapy part.

allee

Allee,

YES!! You can totally do this while you're in school! I was blessed to have my summer vacation for a good chunk of my work, but I'm doing this while teaching full time. :) It's HARD. But possible. And knowing that it's not forever really helps. The tricky part might be in finding a place... I was lucky to find my clinic. Google is a fine place to start; I was lucky that way. ;0) You could also ask your therapist for help and her evaluation of your situation. She should be able to better assess your needs :)

Lots of love,

Jen