Big tw// suicidal thoughts, anxiety and more I guess. I lo

Big tw// suicidal thoughts, anxiety and more I guess.
I love my mom to death, and sometimes I feel so sad about it. My mom calls me her sweetheart and loves to spend time with me and hold me when we sleep.

But she’s also laughed at me when I told her I want to go to a psychiatrist. It’s her first child who’s the prankster and always so happy, she laughed at it and said to get over it. I just feel so tired and empty sometimes, the days where I greet her morning
before i left to school comes after the nights where I tried to drown myself in my bathroom. She cooks me good food and always asks me to go lunch, but she’s also the first to call me obese and make jokes to her friend over how i kept “growing” whenever they see me.

I try to study and learn about family trauma and breaking the generational curse and what not. But I love my mom so painfully so, even all I think about is how can I die peacefully without breaking her heart or letting her know that unknowingly half of my burden and anxieties are rooted in what she’s said.

I never thought about talking to my mom about what I think of her remarks because 1. I shy away from confrontations and just bottle up everything 2. I don’t want to hurt her feeling and make her think I’m ungrateful of how she’s loved me. I don’t want to ruin the somewhat peaceful relationship we have now.

You said you don't want to ruin the somewhat peaceful relationship you have with her now. What did it use to be like?are you in high-school?

@Fohb460 I just graduated highschool last year. To be honest I don’t really remember my childhood - years before me well. I think it’s better now, she’s busier and I see her less often, we only talk about mundane day to days things now.