Binge-ing doesn't bother me til after I do it

I am a closet binge eater. I tend to binge whenever I can when no one is looking.

NEVER in my life have I ever done this. It's a recent thing kind of carried over from my last two pregnancies. I guess I have a mental disorder.

My last husband would harp on me constantly about eating stuff, saying I was going to get fat. At that time I weighed 100 lbs at 5'1 inches tall. I was skinny. I never saw myself as being skinny, but neither did I see myself as being heavy. I saw myself as being normal.

Boy would that guy laugh if he saw me today. I'm 160 lbs, two ton tessie, binge eating behind everyone's back whenever possible. I try to talk myself out of it but since I'm a sugar addict, those sugar cravings win.

Now I know that sounds like a cop out and it probably truly is. I guess I could control it. But honestly I just don't give a crap until after the fact. I always think "tomorrow" I'll do better and then the same cycle repeats.

I disgust myself in so many ways. I am grossly huge. I haven't bought clothes for 4 years except from Goodwill because I refuse to spend good money on nice things that just look horrendous on me. I try to look nice but end up looking like ridiculous. Some women can pull off being fat. I am not one of them. Especially when, in my own head, I still think I'm 100 lbs. Boy does that mirror set me straight. I hate, hate, hate looking at myself.

Family support? My mom and I look exactly alike now and she loves it. I HATE IT. I want to shave my head and weigh 100 lbs to NOT look like her. Yes, there are some issues but I still love her. Just don't want to look like or BE her.

I'm hot now all of the time. Everyone else freezes but not me. No coat necessary anymore. Too many layers of fat keeping me warm.

Honestly, I don't know how I am going to battle this fatness. I wish I could get my stomach reduced in size. A tummy tuck wouldn't help. I'm fat all over.

Hey Sweetie,
You sound really stressed out. I also suffer from BED so i understand your pain and the vicious cycle you are going through.

In some ways it is about weight, but eating disorders go way beyond that. So I would advise you get councelling for this and start with a healthy approach. I have tried fighting this for 2 years by myself and it only recently when I returned to therapy that I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

You can absolutely do this. You are being very hard on yourself at present, you deserve to live a healthy life...so please go and seek some help.

Please keep coming back here for support
Much love to you
Moongal x