Everyone keeps telling me how great Im doing ..and how great I look .But I don't see that I look great...I don't like what I see at all.I liked the feeling of loose clothes..I liked the feeling of an empty stomache.I may look healthier..and thats good but Im haveing a really hard time accepting this size.I want to be smaller and slimmer.I don't feel attractive..my friends say I should be happy I can fit in to a bigger bra.Yeah I don't like to have attention drawn to myself.I have never minded not haveing a big bust.I don't want to be looked at as an object.My friend caught me body checking in the window reflection tonight and she told me to stop that I have a shapely body and I look good.She said i have great curves.
I think she is just trying to be nice.she knows Im still struggling to accept this size..all I see is flabby and unfit.Im trying to fight off that ED voice.Im trying to protect myself from relapsing ....body checking has been one of my strongest ed habits that I don't know if I will ever break.
STOP !!!
I had anorexia before people really knew what is was.
I starved myself and to this day,
I am heavier then I want and sometimes relaps a little but every day I say, "Hey for my age, esecailly, I look good. And for a extra weight and so on, SO WHAT, is better then looking like i have AIDS !!!"
Being heavier is much better then to thin. Do I wish I was thinner, YES !!! But it is OK !!!
Learn it is OK !!! Only you can do that for yourself.
AND Seriously look at yourself, YOU THE PERSON, Screw the BODY, LOOK at YOU the Person in the Mirror and ASK YOURSELF....
Who are you ?
Find yourself in there and be yourself, not a wieght or size, etc... BE YOURSELF !!!
Tell yourself, "I am good, look great and the wieght is OK, NEVER get to THIN it is BAD !"
BE happy with yourself a LOVE YOURSELF...
TRULY LOVE YOURSELF !!!
Know there is a REASON you have eating issues... Change it and the way you think !!!
Grace...it does take time to switch the focus, especially when your body has changed. Maybe you can think about the thing your body NOT allows you to do, that you could not do, or barely could do when you were more sick?
Please continue to reframe the way you think about yourself...less in terms of your body, shape and size, and more about your values and personality. That's truly what counts. Don't let this rob you of even one more day....keep fighting dear....you are doing it!! HUGS...Jan ♥
Jan
For me body checking has always been something I did ..in treatment in group we had focused on habits and how to stop them.For me it doesn't matter where I am home out shopping anywhere there is a window to see my reflection I am always checking myself out looking at the flaws I see ..weight where I don't like to see it......I want to be toned.It is an obsession that I can't seem to stop.Im trying not to focus on weight loss but body toning.Ive done nothing but exercise for over 25 yrs.Its hard to give that up ..I don't want to give it up..BUT I do want to be safe about it.
I can see how my emotional state effects how I feel about myself and how certain situations effect my emotions.I know I am still in a critical spot with where my emotions are and have been with everything very low.I have been very honest with my supportive friends around me Im trying to be as honest with them as I can but I do know I still try to keep stuff from them.If they show concern or if im feeling very low which I have been lately I try to share some of that with them ..its hard to share my deepest feelings sometimes.
Grace,
I've experienced spiraling body image in my recovery... Sometimes I am convinced that I've gained 10 pounds overnight! Ha! But, rationally, I know that's not true... My weight is stable. Higher than I want it to be, but really, would being a smaller size make me happy? I know the answer is no... So, when I feel ED building and my body image plumeting, I try to distract myself. No amount of body checking will reassure me. In fact, the longer I look, the more fault I find. I know from experience that given time, my body image will improve. Probably it's deeply fueled by emotions. I know that right now I'm experiencing some rebound effects from a little light restriction I put myself through. But it DOES get better... Already I am SEEING a healthier person than I did yesterday. So weird how that works, huh? ;0)
Anyway, Jan is right... It's really not about the weight... Yes, that's the form our insecurities take. But really, WHO we are is sooo much more important. ♥ And who YOU are, is an incredible, brave, strong, caring friend. :)
Love you!
Jen
Grace,
I sooo get that fear! Going to have that conversation with my T in just a minute. Yikes!!
I had become sickly thin when I was younger but still I thought looked ok.
I was not Ethiopian child on the commercial thin yet, but looking at pictures from back then I was looking like a bag of bones and sunken cheeks and such all there,
I was between Model thing and Sickly thin.
WHICH Model thin is TO THIN !!!
I was close to killing myself and looking like I was dead.
It is DANGEROUS and Hard to FIGHT !
Today I am heavier, I got heavy a few years ago from Physical illness and Mental as well as PASS Tramas and Issues a that time. I could not cope.
Chocolate became my drug.
My Body was in chaos and so was I. I gained an extra --- finally. I had never weighted over ----
So today I still am overwieght but a very acceptable and ok wieght.
I turn to BAD Plastic Surgury and ruined my body a couple years ago. I look worse then I did with the extra wieght.
YOU are on this PATH, and YOU will ruin yourself or DIE if not careful !!!
SO STOP and Really think.
You need to change you.
Today I struggle with wanting to be thin and not eating.
I live in CHINA and do not speak it well. So I find many excuses to stay home, Stay home not shop, not shop no food, no food I do not eat....
BAD CYCLE !
But I push to change myself every day.
I stopped dating for several years.
My last boyfriend liked older women and women that were not thin. He liked me just as I was. I am maybe --- or so over what I want and not as firm and lump due to the lypo suction. But he liked me which showed me. What I try to tell myself every day.
Everyone like different things. Tall, Short, Big, Small, Black, White, Yellow, Red, Green, Pink, Sunrise, etc...
We are humans and need to be Heathly first.
So meeting him showed me something and even helped.
So when I look in a mirror and say AHH FAT, BAD Body, UGLY. I stop as before and say. NO I look pretty good, I could work out more, (Im Lazy and Fibro Pain) but i am **** GOOD ! Be Happy with YOU.
Plus I am pretty smart and a nice person and care about others. so... ;-) That makes me Beautiful !
You have got to fight the thoughts.
To me...
I see a Tall Thin Beautiful Woman, Sexy Exotic and wow looking...
Then I speak to her...
She is Rude, Stuck Up, Bitter and or other....
She then, becomes the UGLIEST WOMAN I have Seen...
Now think, How many times do you meet someone and say WOW, I want to look like that or wow they are handsome or beautiful, etc... but then you talk to them and they are NOT NICE at all and frankly BAD !!!
This makes me see the true person, UGLY inside and outside. I think the Eyes are the Key and really the true window to the soul.
Look at your eyes and see you, the true you.
You know that person that walks in a room and you go WOW, Interesting and good vibes and ??? Beautiful ??? But then you say not really but YES she is beautiful... But WHY ??
She is a little heavy maybe even heavy and not perfect in your eyes but still a wow and wonderful and beautiful.
CONFIDENCE !!!!
When you walk and are Confident you become and transform.
True Good and Confidence make you the most beautiful.
Anyone can do it, easy !!!
be confident in who you are, Proud of yourself but not stuck up, be YOUSELF !!! Be kind and good to people are caring and you become truly beautiful !
Again you are not a wieght or size, or hieght or age, You are YOU !!!