BPD or What?

Hello All,

I have never been involved in any online community or support group.

I am 42 year old married B/M. I am currently self-employed(business is very slow), while I had been both gainfully employed (having a job) and self-employed for my entire life. I have a 22, 20 boys and 14 year old step daughter. Wife is 31. I got my B.A. at around 34.

I was a single father raising my two boys alone at the time I met my current wife. It is my 2nd/3rd marriage. I was married before(not the mother of my children) for 10 years, ex had 2 other children that I assisted with rearing,even after the divorce.

I believe I have BPD. I would like to gain insight and get treatment. I have been in therapy before it does help, however I think the BPD & possibly ADD don't allow me to be consistent.

I have always been a people pleaser. I don't think I have been a doormat but just would accept much more than other people probably would. I think this is shows mostly in my intimate relationships but also with friends and work. I would always blame it on being a nice person or my spiritual values.

Although I am considered very attractive by most. I have been overweight my entire life. I am 6'3 so it spreads some, and my mother would always say you are to handsome to carry all that weight. I believe the weight plays a HUGE part in the BPD, no pun intended.

I am looking to gain insight on BPD and how to get better. I think I exude some of the classic symptoms, people pleasing, good/evil thinking about myself, see things in b/w, I either Love you or hate you, impulsive spending, lots of elicit sex, emotional overreactions. I have experienced bouts of depression (normally 3 days) they were longer when I was younger. Lots of corporate training on emotional intelligence has helped.

My problem is because of the BPD, I looked at world b/w. I took EVERYONE at their word. If you said it I believed it until your actions showed different then I would forgive you, your only human and the Christian thing to do.Yeah Right!! About 3 years ago I had an awakening and realized that ALL people are out for their own agenda. I began looking back at all my past relationships both personal and business and it PISSED ME OFF. So I became very angry at the world even including my wife & siblings. I am getting somewhat better now but trying to balance it. I felt as though due to my excessive need for attention and to feel appreciated/important I ALLOWED these people to take advantage of me.

Are you going to go back into therapy? I would suggest the DBT therapy which is extremely helpful for BPD as well as other things. Consistency is important though and being able to come to terms with the fact that nothing changes overnight. It takes time and effort, but at least you have the willingness to start somewhere because you came here. :-)