Man, I have TOTALLY been screwing up the past twenty or so hours. I won't go into detail as I'm sure everyone here has been there before, but I do have a question.
Okay, so I've been avoiding my house (my parent's house, where I currently live) because it is there and ONLY there that I relapse. I sleep over at my boyfriend's place a lot, and make sure I'm almost always around my friends and/or other people in general. It makes me feel safe. But recently I've been feeling like I'm just avoiding my problems by avoiding my house. It's like I'm trying to ignore them again, BUT at the same time I barely even notice I have these problems when I'm not at my house. It's almost like I truly DON'T have an eating disorder outside the walls of my house.
I brought this up with my therapist, and she said it's a good thing I'm trying my best to stay out because I'm fully aware that that house IS A TRIGGER. She said to try and not look at it as avoiding the problem, but just trying to tackle it in a different way.....she also said something to the effect of, "you sitting in your house trying to figure out why it triggers you is like an alcoholic sitting in a bar trying to figure out why it triggers him. Is that the healthiest place to do that?"
And I'm also extremely worried about "over-staying" my welcome at my boyfriend's house. I mean, him and his roommates have told me time and time again that their home is my home and that I can pretty much live there, but every time I shower or even use the bathroom there I think about how I'm adding to their utility bill, every time my boyfriend fixes us food I think about how I'm costing him money, and so on....
But grrrrrrr I KNOW what I should be concentrating on is myself, getting myself better and back up on my feet (financially, spiritually, psychologically, etc.), and working hard on that automatically grants me the right to take advantage of this CRUCIAL help being offered to me. As long as I stay focused on getting myself independent again, they seriously won't mind me staying there. If they get the idea that I'm just there dicking around and being wasteful and not working on anything, THAT'S when I should start getting worried. I know all these things in my head, but I still get those inaccurate feelings and "what if"s and unfounded worries. Blaaaagh....I've only been at my house for twenty hours or so (the last time I was here was three days ago) and I've done NOTHING but relapse (and sleep) the entire time. This is ridiculous! My life still feels like it's spinning out of control sometimes! This **** house is such a trigger! Anyway, reeeeally long post....but I write ALL the time....hey that reminds me, this is the address for my personal journal:
www.pyxis-nebula.livejournal.com
I write in both poetry and free prose...and I'm such a logophile (lover of words) that I use a good bit of obscure English....words that are barely used anymore but that you've probably heard once or twice before....so some stuff may be hard to understand but ANYWAY I digress...always feel better while I'm here at this support group. Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read all this. I love all of you. Life, love and light!!