lately a lot of things are triggering me. it's like, i see one thing, and immediately something in my mind starts chanting insults and slurs at me. i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to spend the rest of my life with my eyes shut, avoiding every magazine, every person who weighs less than me (or who i think looks better than me.)
today especially, a trigger hit me hard. i found a new song (admittedly, i googled "songs about ed" because i was being stupid and self-pitying) and found this amazing, beautiful song that i can relate to so well. but the thing is, the singer went through anorexia (possibly still anorexic; no idea) and she's so tiny... watching the video, i felt... well, you get it. i'm sure you've been there.
it's just, i don't want to not be able to watch music videos. i want to get BETTER. i'm tired of being sick. i'm tired of hating myself. and I WANT TO GET BETTER. it's like, i've wanted to for a long time. but now i WANT TO. i just feel like something clicked for me today. i don't want to be, say, 55 years old and still have an eating disorder. i'm sick of this. i want to finish high school with confidence, loving myself. I WANT TO GET BETTER.
i feel like this is a breathrough for me personally. the problem is i still don't know HOW to get better...