An eating disorder, and the fears that accompany it, can and will narrow your world to the point of isolation, and cause you to feel alone and hopeless.
I grew up feeling unacceptable, by my peers, my family and most everyone else around me. Some of this was due to direct criticism, but the type of controlled, black/white environment that I was raised in was also a contributing factor. My future was dictated to me, and I see now that much of my resistance was based on my internals opposition to this. Yet, I felt unable to express my own desires, and I feared upsetting those around me. So I went along.....on the outside..until I could no longer.
That is when I began to seek acceptance by achieving a lower weight, which I was told, would make me a 'better' person. This message was not conveyed directly, in a verbal way, but by the way that I was encouraged to 'conform'.
My environment also portrayed a very dangerous and 'bad' world, which led me to believe that I was not safe unless I was 'hidden'......
jan, tinkerbell-guru...
i can't thank you enough for sharing your story, your history, and your past and present insights.
i think the older i became, the more i relied on twisting and turning rather than on getting help to heal. my age has been a most shameful demographic for me... i couldn't make connections b/t my need for emptiness and my emotions along with how i've conditioned myself to respond, and i never wanted *how i was raised* to be a factor.
yes, narrowing my life, attempting to be *better* than i thought i really was, conformity, fear of a *dangerous* world, and wanting to HIDE are all issues with which i sadly identify.... same issues stemming from very different circumstances.
and who in their right mind, at the age of 42, feels okay with yakking to a therapist about their childhood experiences? uuuugh. one would have thought that i might have slain those dragons by now.
without your story, without your words, without your experiences...i don't know that i would pursue the level of help and support that i am pursuing now. you have blazed the trail, oh torch-bearer. all my gratitude for bringing me to the trailhead....it has been very difficult to find.
lovingly and respectfully,
xoxo
The truth is, we each determine how we will live our lives. Sometimes we need help to break free from old limitations. No one needs to waste even one more day with their eyes half-open.
We do each determine how we live this life!
Jan ..like Amy says you have blazed the trail...You because of you I am where I am yes I had to do the work to get here..but your continued encouragement helped me get there also.you helped me open my eyes ..you made me feel that there is more to my life .You told me I was not a worthless person..and that I determine how i live my life.
My world was narrowing too the ... deeper I fell into the ED.Your continued encouragement kept me pushing for what I needed when I felt like giving up.I always remebered your words Fight for what you need.
Amy and Grace....you are true friends, and I thank you for always reading. You both have come a long way, regardless of how it all 'feels' right now.
Love you too!! ♥
This one really hits home for me... just in the past two years alone as my ED progressed, I gave up my volunteer work at our Children's hospital, I gave up church services on Sunday mornings (so I would not miss a workout) and my relationships all suffered. I turned down all invitations for dinner, drinks, etc. because they interfered with my rigid schedules.
Only now am I realizing how narrow my world has become and am starting to venture outwards again.
Molly,
I couldn't really see this until I could look BACK on it all. I think realizing how much fuller my life is now has been a huge eye-opener!
Thank you for reading....Jan ♥