Can't sleep. My feelings of loneliness and need for intimacy massively triggered out of nowhere. I was watching the show Blue Bloods, and they have one of those story lines where two of the cops have a romantic relationship and they have to hide it from everyone else or something. It's so stupid nowadays; the movies and television always gave this idea that idealistic romance was always a possibility, and it's garbage. And the woman was very attractive, of course; ordinary guys can just find any of them anytime who want to date them--right? Right?
Rewind; I have been romantically idealistic my entire life, even in elementary school. My romantic feelings would eventually spawn my pornographic and obsessive addiction, developing unhealthy tastes and here I am picking up the pieces. Being in a relationship always seemed to be a STANDARD; not everyone gets multiple relationships or the home queen, but everyone gets something. I am an adult and hold some of the main standards today; self-critical for not having love, intimacy, or at least the sense that I could have some if I tried.
I have gotten a little better at letting go of the high school bull. What has panicked me recently is when I talked to my therapist about an incident where I backslid into porn, he said one of the triggers was romantic idealization; he said it shouldn't be my top priority. This was shocking and more cruel than it seemed; I hadn't actually made romance a top priority until a few years ago when I thought I was a luckless loser and tried to compensate with porn. I don't really want to replace my sense of romance with "hobbies, school, work, and friends." Not completely. I always defined myself that way and I don't want to remove that from me. It is not of assistance that one of the great reasons I should let go is that, "you know, 50% of marriages end in divorce." Who cares? He's right, but I'm a guy in my twenties; why can't it be up to me if I find dates if I could? Is it so bad I want to feel like I've caught up with everyone else? And I have to say: I am so tired of my therapist saying the main reason not to have sex is that, "if you have sex before marriage, you can have a baby and not be prepared for it." Yeah, I know! I'm guessing this metric is not used by most people, though, is it? (No shame to anyone who does--Seriously.). He may have a conservative bias, considering he also keeps repeating the idea I could use spirituality to help--the obnoxious thing being he keeps talking about being spiritual with God and "my creator"--and when I tell him I don't want religion or even spirituality, he said, "Well, it doesn't have to have God in it." So why does he keep saying "God" then? He also said one point I considered spirituality with the universe or the cosmos, he said that wasn't spirituality, because it wasn't a supreme being.
I have crap on my life. I have an unhealthy porn addiction that interferes or complicates my social and professional life and a therapist who says all my romantic idealization has to go. I am not trying to get out of my abstinence, I'm avoiding loneliness and the feeling I am so different from everyone else. I mean no disrespect in anything I say, these are my insecurities and I have nowhere else to put them.
1 Heart
you got this champ! you can control it
@anaszakir Thank you