I have so many people in my life that i can talk to but i just feel like i cant talk to people i feel lonely in my life at this point ive broken down in tears trying to find a way out but there is none for me besides death it seems like such a simple thing to do, im feeling lonely so maybe i should just do it. I have no friends where i live and im either on my laptop paranoid, listening to music out loud or talking to people from my society. I dont need a voice to tell me i need to die right now i can figure that out myself. Ive told them to shut up for the remainder of the day and they behaved and havent bothered me in awhile. Should i just sleep off these feelings? I dont think so because ill wake up tomorrow feeling the same way lonely and stupid because noone understands my disorder and they dont want too. Its not fair that i have to live like this so many people have hurt me this year maybe its sign who knows?
I swear to go that i really understand every single word you said!
But death is not the solution for any of your problems! Just think that you life is to much precious to give it away...
I think almost everyday that maybe i should die or something because i'm not an easy person to talk about my feelings and trust me! i have many friends and all of that. everybody thinks i have a perfect life and that i'm happy because i'm always smiling but that is no true! i cry alot.
you can talk to me if you want to..
i had and still have a lot of **** in my life.
life is not easy if it was easy it won't worth to live in this world we have to fight for everything even if that means fighting for happiness.
Youre right we do have to fight for happiness and i guess im just done fighting im always the one left unhappy in my life and im just tired of it. Its so annoying
Sweet sweet child, please don't think that there is no way out. I have read a lot of your posts and I can tell that you are full of life and spirit. Through your posts I have come closer to understand what my loved one with a very similar problem is going through. I know that this is very tough for you and I know the feeling of being alone and the pain that follows afterward. I will tell you that there is never not a way out. That is a promise. There is ALWAYS hope. It is hard to believe this and feel this when you are experiencing life the way you are at the moment. But if you fight through the hard times it is always darkest before the dawn. It is worse before it is better. And please don't give up. I don't know how long this has been going on but I know you don't want to give up any amount of time that was dedicated to fighting to stay strong. Just keep doing it and your testimony will reach others in ways you cannot fathom. You are already helping me with just your story. So many people will be touched knowing that not only are you so young going through what you are going through but you as an individual are also strong enough to get through it. You are a very sweet girl just terrified of what you have to face. It is not fair but you are strong enough and special enough to get through anything that comes your way. You have to keep faith that the right medicine will come your way soon and that it will work also with time. You just cannot give up before it happens. Your future holds great things for you. I may not have this disorder but it directly affects my life, and if you ever want to talk I am here. And i do want to understand the disorder. Hang in there kid I'll be praying for you. Happy Turkey Time! Have a safe Thanksgiving :)
I guess im so used to being unhappy in my life im always feeling depressed i withdraw from people because they dont understand this disorder and most of them dont even try to. I want my meds to work i want to be happy but i know we dont always get what we want in life but i think i at least deserve a chance to be happy even if for a day. I try to work towards that goal but im just kind of done fighting for it sometimes. Thank you and if you want to learn anything else about this disorder im free for talking all the time. Happy Thanksgiving to you too.
tO STOP THINKIN ABOUT ALL OF THIS!
Shanese try to figure out who are you!
You know what i learn? we cannot try to find the happiness in somebody else! Happy have to be on you!
Sometimes i wonder why i'm studing and sometimes i wish i could die. I think i might be bipolar! But i'm not sure because i never to an specialist to tell me what is wrong with me.
I have a twin brother and we are both clothes but i can't just talk with him because i feel that he is the perfect one and i'm not! I think that there is something wrong on me that make me angry and sad will almost no reason!
Your goal in life cannot be have money or getting a job it should be happiness only when you achieve that you can make another goal!!
Look yourself in the mirror why the hell you want that person you see in the mirro to die? Ask the person in the mirror what she want to fight for!
A disorder cannot define witch goal you want to have....
I try no to cut myself not to cry when i'm alone because i know those things made me feel even worst!
Look around you there is a lot of people who could give you anything so they could have a chance to live.
I hope we can be friends i guess we have the same problems...
sorry for my bad english XOXO
I have identity problems i just dont know how to figure out who i am i lost my identity in my sister awhile ago and every since then ive never been the same in her absence im just not who i wish i could be she has that piece of me now and i cant figure out away to get it back because im always with her i have no friends. So naturally i feel my place and everything i do or have done is not within me it was within her i do things for her because i want to be like her she is m biggest role model so i put my identity in her i wish i didnt do that because its hard for me now to figure out who i am. I dont look in the mirror and see a complete individual i see something that another person made a monster inside and out i dont know how to stop putting myself down and feeling like i need to die. I need to pray for it so much till i cant pray anymore but i need help bad with this problem and all my other ones. I cant get pass it.
i have friends and i know a lot of people but they know me because i'm the most happy and funny girl because i'm always laughing and make other laugh!
But guess what??? Iam the most sad person i ever see or meet, i think i'm never good enough and my twin brother he is everything!
When we had an exam and he gets a better grade than me i feel like he is so smart and i'm so stupid...BUt i think me and you should look in ourself as one person! we cannot live somebody life in this case our brother or sister life we have to live for us not for the others. It's hard and i truly understand your words.
You and i need to build our selfsteam. Nobody can't make us love ourself...we have to but i still don't know how.
I look at the mirror and i see two different people so i think that i might be bipolar because i have two different personallity.
when i am in school or with my friend i am a funny girl and very happy but i think that is just a mask, and i am SICK AND TIRED OF BEING WHAT PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO BE.
Next year i will go to college but i'm wondering if i am ready for it.
I hate my life but what i hate the most is myself because i can't be one person i think my identity is with my brother and he stole it from me because i can't figure out who is beta! Who am i?!
Look at the mirror and write i little paper of everything that you see when you look at the mirror... I will do that so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with us!
I don't talk those things with other people because i think they might think that i'm crazy or something!
Part of my problems are because i was sexual molested when i was younger...
I hope we can share things with each other.
I am so sorry that that had to happen to you. But im sure god would not have put you through that for no reason he sees something in you that no one else does. Just like ive been told god sees something within me that no one else does. I’m just one of those people that see all the good in everyone no matter what type of bad you do there is always a sunny day for someone thats why people like me one of my friends told me yesterday that i used to be so full of life and happy and the only two reasons that was is because
- i still had my sister and it didnt seem like she was going anywhere and,
- i didnt know i was sz
Life gets hard when you know youre living with something like this i always knew something was wrong with me i just didnt care what it was because i was happy not having an official diagnosis. But its like the symptoms get worse when you know you have it even though i was getting worse before i knew it the voices and the hallucinations got plentiful when i found out what i was. My identity and my life and happiness is with my sister and my illness i cant be hole without my sister and i cant be “normal” with my illness so im stuck here. I dont know how to move on and make things out of my life without making up an excuse because i tell people there is no try in life only do and dont will and wont i still use try at times but i guess i should just say i cant. I will look in the mirror now and get a list for you so i can start my time of changing who i am and better yet find out who i am.
I always think that he choose me because there ws something wrong with me so he was punishing me for not being like other children, i really don't know why me so that made me being stuck on the past!
I look at my friend and i don't see any bad things in they so that makes me angry because am ' the only one with something wrong?
I can't move on yet because of two reasons:
1.I'm scare to go on with my life without my twin next to me because we always had the same group of friends and go to the same class's and work in the same place!
2. I'm always thinking that i can't do anything because i'm not smart enougt or that something is missing...
Dear friend i don't know what to tell you i guess god put us in this big cruel but happy world so we can win our own battle and never ever give up!
Promise me you won't ever give up your life ok? And i will do the same!
I never got diagonostic or get in therapy but i hear voices in my head calling my name or sometimes i hear somebody wishpering words that i can't understand. When i'm angry and i look to somebody that made me angry i think about what i could do to kill that person.
LET MOVE ON OR AT LEAST TRY TO MOVE ON TOGETHER OK? WE HAVE TO write to each other to tell how was our day and stuffs like that, and whenever we have hallucinations or hearign the voices we have to write ok? So we can learn about it... that is RIGHT! Look at the mirror and write it.
I look at the mirror, and i see somebody that i don't live.
i see a girl that i don't reconize as me.
i see a girl who gets angry for not loving herself
everybody tell me that i'm veyr beautiful but when i look in the mirror i see a monster that i guess it's me.
when i look at the mirror i see that is something wrong with the person i am looking at.
XOXO
I made my first step to moving on yesterday i forgave anybody who has hurt me and im proud of myself very much. I promise you that i will not give up my life starting now ! I want change i need to move on from the past i cant linger here im just reliving the hurt everyday. Ive been talking to my voices lately about things and they seem very wise in how to move on they talk of time they can see me happy so i shall move toward that goal hopefully its not a trick. When i look in the mirror:
I see a pretty smile
Semi short lost girl
I see someone who is depressed on the inside
Someone with a fading smile
Someone who likes black or dark colors
Someone who has been emotionally abused and yelled at alot
a used person
a weirdly creative person
a loser who doesnt know how to make friends and,
a person not of sound mind
My new goal is to work on my image so i can say more positive than negative another goal for me is to forgive myself for letting people hurt me so i can move further on from it. My thoughts about those days still haunt me on the inside. I even wrote a journal about it so i can remember the day i began to move on from those who hurt me.
Dear friend
I did not gave yet the step to forgive the one's who hurted me. But i still feel that there is something wrong with me and i just can't turn off the past because i still wonder how my life could be if none of those things happened to me.
DId you notice that you and i have a lot of negative things to say when we look at the mirror?
Can you wirte but about what can you change to make your life better and full of positive things about you?
I already did that and i'm trying to see what i wrote but it's kind of hard but i still have my whole life to see that in myself!
I feel the i'm bipolar because i change my mood and the way i talk to others and one of my friend already notice but i always gave them excuses for that, i always tell that i'm ok but i'm a little sad because of an exam or something but never ever the truth.
XOXO
I can of course do that i will look for the good things. I still have many questions the same as yours about what if those things never happen? i cant find the answer just yet i dont think i ever will.
This might help you a little, my therapist says if you go 4 to 7 days without sleep completely you are bipolar if you go 4 you are type 1 and 7 youre type 2 hope that helped you a little bit
i can't sleep the whole night!
I think i'm type one!
can you ask your therapist what is the different between type one and type two?
IT WOULD BE AMAZING IF ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS COULD HAVE AN ANSWER BUT I GUESS LIFE WOULD BE GOOD IF THAT COULD HAPPEN, MAYBE WE HAVE TO FIND THE ANSWERS BY OURSELFS...
anD MOST OF OUR QUESTIONS WOULDN'T EVER HAVE AN ANSWER.
i WOMAN HERE TOLD ME THAT WE DO NOT FIND HAPPINESS BECAUSE SHE WILL FIND US. I GUESS THAT MEAN'S WE CANNOT LOOK FORWARD FOR SOMETHING.
you only will be completly happy when you accept your self with negative and postiive things... nobody is perfect but that doesn't mean we can't try to do the right things...
God will fill our heart with love when we accept him in our lifes,the only person who will never ever give up on us is god, so we still have someone who want us to live.
ANd you still have the best friend you could ever ask and that friend is god because we can talk with him and he won't judge us i guess!
Yes! You helped me a lot thankx
XOXO
My meds of course got me through the night.
I guess that is true we must look within ourselves to find comfort and within god. I pray before i go to bed and lately i have felt compelled to pray for happiness and all of that and so far so good with fixing it so that god can make a way for me to go and be happy.
I can of course ask her but i dont see her again for another three weeks i see my psychiatrist on tuesday could ask him if youd like either way it would be good.
I’m glad i could help you !! 
It would be lovely if you could ask that for me!
Thank a lot.
I'm going to pray more to god so i can see the changes right?
i wish you the best you are a great great friend!
I will be sure to tell you the news when i get back.
I'm going to pray more too so i can get my life back and my identity.
I wish you the best as well youre a great friend too :)
yes let's pray and fill our heart with hope for a better future!
I hope i get a wonderfull future because im sick and tire of crying because my life is a mess!
wish you everything good! because you deserve it.
Okay prayer is good,
I hope i can get at least some of the things i pray for and my life will be right again.
I wish you the best and i hope you get what you pray for as well because even when everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong its not your fault and you deserve better
Both Beta and Shanese1992 I read all the conversation between the two of you , its really important for a schizophrenic to discover him/her self, I'm trying to know mine , not only you have identity problem , for me I found many dark sides in my personality :(
most of that is due to how I was raised ...
what I hate the most is breakdowns , it was awful the last time I had one , I'm still recovering and still need 2 or 3 years more,
but never ever thought of ending my life , I think its not our choice to live or not , we must stick with life until God refuses to keep us living.
I used to pray a lot before I got sick , but praying alone will not solve any problem , trust me , schizophrenia needs to be treated with science ( therapy , meds , nutrition , walking also helps )
I do all of that now , with much improvement , try the whole package , maybe it will help.
I look for something in this life , I look for being a human , normal one , sometimes I have to act like one even if I'm not Normal.
people who see me just don't know I have problems -weired ones- like schizophrenia . I learned how Normal people live and how they spend time ( this really helps).
read the story of John Nash a Noble Prize Winner who had schizophrenia , he fought the hallucinations for the last day of his life and managed to live successfully , you can see the movie ( a beautiful mind ) based on his story.
you are not the only one who has schizophrenia :)
see success stories with this illness.
If you feel like talking , feel free to talk , many of us will listen and respond.
But ending life is never a solution.
hope you find answers soon .
:)