I don't know how more I can take I ready cried in the shower just before n already feel like crying again. I feel I'm loosing myself quicker than can find myself Im fading again. At work yesterday rang a customer to let them know order was in n for while I could hear a ringing sound but didn't know why or wat was doing. Nightmares continue last night with the guy that pastor he was there n I was so angry n scared both at once that I was shaking. The dream was so vivid the house the backyard but never been there but the details were like if had dream from my home that lived in for 20 years. Tension between bf friend n I grows. I try to relax around him but he's looking for fight or argument or reason to pick on me. I try to be strong not let it get to me, he tells me don't show weakness. He's alright but be pushes too much n for me right now I'm too close to falling over the edge I don't have room to breathe before reaching that edge. When my boss yells or losses it before checking facts n doesn't try calm self from watever else bother him I've gotten to points I was so close to quitting or worse feeling like not being to tKe anymore, n I feel so alone I rarely get to see any friends have left, I'm falling down the rabbit hole I'm not even sure I'm strong enough to survive the fall yet alone anything else that comes after. It's like the fingerprint pushing me to that edge get stronger n more numerous. I'm not sure how much more can take.
Silent,
I just want you to know that I am sorry you are suffering. My suggestions would be to talk to God alot. I am not sure where you stand on that subject but it sounds as if you need him more than ever right about now.
Have you spoke to a doctor? I would do that as well.
Just my 2 cents. Here if you need to vent or cry heck even scream =)
God wasn't there when that pastor was touching me, using n manipulating me. He did nothing to stop the abuse or proect me while I was unable to protect myself or when I didnt know he was dodgy. He wasn't there when the church condemned my emotional state saying was just looking for attention but didn't want to know why I was so upset. The church turns a blind eye when it's one of there own. Even before knowing who it was. N so it seems god did the same. I tried telling the senior pastor but seeing his reaction to just what had happened before telling him who it was I saw just how much I wouldn't be believe. Their attitude towards me was affected by that youth pastor who groomed me. My only friend from their says justice n vindication will come. She believes in god too but I'm afraid I've been there trusted god followed him n when things got **** I got tossed aside by the Christian workmates that workedcwith at the time of second assault n then the church from the abuse by the youth pastor. God been pretty silent thru my cries for help n understanding. I couldn't understand why. Was this what god thought of me of others. Did these Ppl reflect the god they served like they said. Later on I noticed attitudes towards kids about physical punishment n bullying find it's way in to the Christian org used to work for. Another mentor with dodgy thinking but this time it was the turning blind eye to bullying by leaders on a camp to the kids n then at a training saying should be allowed to physically punish kids. Like sit-ups n push ups n runs. I was furious when I heard that I actually for the first time made a stand n spoke out. I said what about the fact that it humiliates them. They didn't get it. They didn't get that they make a stand against abuse outside their org n have policies to deal with it but they turn a blind eye to it amongst themselves n it turns out it's because they really don't disagree with it. Bullying is a form of abuse. N yet they are saying they are trying to show the world Jesus the light of the world well if that's Wat Jesus n god is like I don't want it. There is no excuse for bullying kids. What I have seen is Ppl in the church tearing Ppl down who don't fit in or meet their standards. Picking on the weak n defenseless saying she'll be right. Turning a blind eye to everything that wrong in the world that's hiding behind closed doors. I'm not saying all are like that. But their are wolves n sheeps clothing. Ppl who go to church are sometimes looking for hope, are broken n at last rope. Ppl go there looking for protection or support or just something to believe in. My experience that I've had n seen done or been told is all the judgement n hypocrisy ... N behindcloseddoor bad things happen. Ok have to go. Back to work. Sorry to cut half way thru.
wow!! You have been through some stuff for sure. And it sounds like some ppl in that church will have a horrrible time with some answers oneday. I can understand being mad @ god. I have been there myself. God will handle those ppl. You just try and get the help you need. Here if you need an ear