im wanting to get feed back on members that are going threw the pain of CHANGE BACK....that is when you are stopping abusive and destuctive behaviors and the people around you dont like the change....the fall out of changing is hard....currently my children are and hav been so angry with the change......they are not liking the words NO MORE and they are mad....getting myself squared away is a full time job and having 4 children 18, 17, 14 and 5 is a full time job,.,,,dealing with their rage and pain is crippling me....i dont know how to help them...they refuse therapy....they see me as the person that has turned over the apple cart so to speak and they dont like the fact they are being put through all this...i cant say i blame them but im really stuggleing with not having the support of my children...what can i do?
I was dealing with this a little today with my oldest daughter. She often insists that my ideas won't work and when I stood up for myself today she got mad at me for expressing how she was making me feel.
i like the i feel statements pattern i learned in a program labeled choices for change. they have nothing to argue with and they may pick up on the pattern themselves. my children did. it goes like this:
Johnny: when you leave your clothes on the floor, i feel _________(emotion here like real emotion sad, used, bitter, broken down, bored. frustrated)
what i need from you is -------------------describe desired behaviour(for you to put your clothes in the hamper.)
will you do that for me?
you can look up list of emotions on line they have one for children too. you can use i feel statements just the i feel emotion anytime to express yourself. and also another one that works is:
I dont like it when you leave your clothes on the floor. (statement)
nothing to argue about here.
just some thoughts of things that don't always work but work sometimes. also don't forget time outs. one minute for every year of life. on the younger ones they are young enough for them to be really effective in utilizing time outs.
all my best and please don't think i am trying to give all the answers i am not! i struggles so much with a very unruly teen aged boy and budding twin schizophrenic pre teens and prior to that i had an assortment including teenaged stepchildren and my own little ones, so i understand how frustrating this all can be and how necessary it is to say the word no.
i have faith and hope in your process and if you want to vent i am here to listen and know i am praying for you, a prayer warrior, marie
hi, thanks for posting this. I was about to start a thing about how to get people to help you out. My mother is not here anymore, i used to kinda help her out but now that shes gone i have to clean up after everyone and do all the house work. I have had a really good 2weeks and when i got up today and went down staires, the state of the house upset me. It put some stress on me. I have tried to get people to help out at home but it never works. Maybe if i actully tell the other family members how it makes me feel they might listen more. Maybe, maybe not. But its worth a try coz i sometimes dont have the mental ability to clean up after people and it opushes me over the edge and further into depression. But i will see how this works out. If not, i swear, im going on strike!
wow, i found this group tonight and am relieved i am no longer alone. my daughter is soon 2 b 25. she is married, has one a 4 yr old. i am a grand daughter and i love that. her spouse 9 yrs sober, 12 yrs older... my daught decided after many years, she isnt an addict, and is drinking again..... i divorced her dad when she was 2. remarried when she was 11. the past 10 yrs was very difficult with treatment, psych wards, councelors etc.... she ended up grad. ged, and then married someone in the program... i have put up with being a co dep to her, my whole life, i did so many things to over compensate being a single mom, with out a dad in the house, without owning a house etc... i worked my butt off. i remarried. she has been angry and down right naughty,.... ungrateful, rude, etc... she is 2 people. sometimes my daughter, other times, when the addiction is in full swing, she acts like her dad, no empathy, a taker.... i have stopped the money flow. i have stopped saying yes.... i have told her i am on a personal sabitical and am not plannin to celebrate holidays this years, and basically done with birthdays except my granddaughters.... she is so mad. she is so angry at me...she wants everything i have, she has a sense of entitlement... but she isnt doing the tuff stuff to get the goodies in life.... she is doing some stuff, but she is married to someone who doesnt care about managing money.... my hus and i travel.... she is so jealous.... she says i am crazy and belong in a psyche ward becuz i am setting boundaries...she acts like i am talking in a nother language... so, i get it..... the kids do get angry...... they do not like it..... i am in therapy...again, and this time, i am dealing with my emotions of being a mother to a 25 yr old abled body person, who doesnt show me a lick of gratitude......... i get it... i hope to make new friends here......
Welcome pirahna, it is good that you are sticking up for yourself. You are doing the best thing for both of you.
welcome pirahana, you and i are going through a similar thing in life although i am with a 33 year old son who is just out of the military. you sound like you could be talking about him. my heart goes out to you. i have gone to alanon and would reccoommend it to anyone struggling with issues of family addiction promblems. have you tried it? i am glad you are taking care of yourseld. i am just learning how to do this for me and feeling much better about myself and physically.
i got alot of support here and also an opportunity to support others in areas that i have life experience or troubles. God bless you. and may i say that strengthing my relationship with Him has been one upside to this struggle that has been invaluable to me. i hope and pray for you and your family and like ones daily. a prayer warrior praying...
wow, thanks for the quik feedback i am relieved to know there is a place to turn to when i am home... alone alot.... i saw her at a party today... i tried engaging conversation with her... she was more interested in talking about my cousin she just met on fb from hollywood- and right in front of me, starts talkin to her cous, about those 2 seein her when she comes home, with no mention to me... she is competing for my relatives....now.. she started talkin about the bars when i went to the rst room and came bak.... i chose it was time for me to leave... i had been there long enuf, and i dont need to be treated like i am invisible.... i went to hazelton today- listend to a famous author on codependency-karen casey-priceless- it was all about detachment..... boy do i need help and alanon..... bless u and thanks for the visits....xo
thank you everyone for you priceless feedback.....we all have so much to give dont we?.....setting boundries as much as its a stuggle it is worth it....my children want/need boundries....im the leader like it or not....and you know what i am a good leader when i trust my gut and stop doubting myself...i know im going to make mistakes and its ok....being a parent does not come with a manuel....changing/stopping cycles of abuse and addicton is hard work....i in for the long haul...Change Back i embrace you!
kvogel
u are going to make a fantastic leader and when things get to tough know that u are the one in charge and doing the right things we all need boundaries to live within so we feel secure although we kick our heels and scream blue murder whilst its happening
good luck taming the tribe and be kind to u today
love D
thanks for the kind words domestic…im gonna keep trying!..hugs!
well said domestic,
a prayer warrior praying. and supporting.
dear everyone, my daughter said tonight when are you going to start to take back the adult role and act like the one in charge mom? wow!! was that and eye opener and i have to admit she had a point. someone can not run over you unless you get in their way and let them. right? i mean they can if they are a totally mean and cruel person and i suppose there are those out there but i guess we like to believe the best in our children and hope in them and have faith in the best of them. and feel like we can help them always grow and change. at least i do. and i know we cannot change anyone but we can change ourselves and in doing so we do often influence others for the best. so my mission is to take back or CHANGE BACK my role into one of power and position and run my life again without being charged for it by my own son.
thanks everyone for your input and sharing your own stories which helps me feel not alone. all my best with hope and faith and loving kindness, your prayer warrior
it just goes to show that no matter how old our young ones are they need us to step up to the plate and look as we have all the answers even when we dont
we go thru the motions and somehow things get sorted along the way normally by accident but no matter what good luck to all u leaders out there and enjoy the new and happier families u are creating
be kind to yourselves and remember u are doing a great job every minute of the day
love D
dear Domestic as usual you are very supportive and helpful when i seem to be at my lowest. and yes you are right even the adult children want lealders when you add change in there it is tough. agape love and all my best, your prayer warrior warior praying for all you guys.
i have struggled my entire life and was just committer to the wadr last yr and found out im bipoalr wow bug shocker for me it was been to so hard on family and no support until my husbang accepet i have researching with to know and understand how seriuo it can.. i tried suicide on outr18 ann by drowing and alomest succeed but it does take alot of support for them to help youin return i was lost with out them on the page with me..life is goin alittle better now feeling like im sliding back down in the low.
crazy momma
u need to give yourself more credit hon its tough being at the helm of just our own lives nevermind having to take into account others along the way and do what we think is best for them although others are quick to point out its wrong or not the right way
u make the choices and stick to them some are not good and believe me i have done some very silly things that seemed good at the time letting them loose in the kitchen raising the curfew for getting in all seemed like good ideas at the time but had to be fine tuned and the backlash was horrendous to the point i had to ground my then 18 year old from going out on a friday night with her work mates not only could she not get in on time for work but she failed to behave like a reasonable human being...hmm we laugh about it now but thats 12 years later we at the time suffered tears tantrums and the well known one of u dont love me cos.....
so u see we all suffer in the changes but have to stay strong and stand by our convictions knowing that we will have to fine tune as we make the choices needed for happiness and well being
so dont go down again come here and see if we can reach out and help even if we dont understand the ups and downs of your days we will have had our own ups/downs to make u smile or laugh
love D
prayer warrior
to be at your lowest is the best place to be at times cos the only way is up and when u get there u know that u will never drop as low again life is a challenge to keep our highs and lows on a middle ground that we can sustain
reach for the stars and be content to walk at the base of the mountains knowing that place is a stable and happy one to inhabbit
u be kind to u today
love D
dear domestic, yes i am at the base of the mountain and i will say to my son, i cannot talk to you now and i am i not available and repeat this until he leaves my presence. this will be painful but there you have it. i don't know how i will handle the issue with the grandchildren, but they are already spreading lies about me in regards to the grandchildren so it is time to cut loose i do believe. i cannot compete. the rest of the family is by my side. her emergency has passed and i no longer need to care for her. so i can change back to the strong one that i once was and take back my boundaries and my strength and be the person i want to be, and not get walked over any longer.
thanks for your support. i am looking for those stars. all my best. with hope and faith and staying in the constant prayer, a prayer warrior
dear crqzy mamma 2 there is life after a break down, just keep on keeping on and living a simple life with a consistent routine and you will feel better and get stronger little by little one day at a time. i did and you will too. i have take my meds, eat a little something on a regular basis every day and exercise daily and following my plan for living that includes a conscious contact with my Higher Power with prayer and meditation every morning and night and in between. i participate on support groups and i bet you have a lot to share in hope and strength with all of us.
all my best with kindness and hope and faith your prayer warrior praying for you.