I have been married now for 2 years and now have a son who is 1. I am not happy in my marriage anymore but dont feel like I can tell my husband because that would be traumatic for him. I dont want to consider divorce because of the toll it would take on our son. I have been thought many times of cheating and feel terrible about thinking this way. My husband is not there for me emotionally or physically and it is really hard for me. Alot of people say to do what ever makes you happy but I have to think of my son because what would make me happy would tear the family apart. I am really confused and dont know what to do. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
i would probably see about getting marriage counseling. i understand the part about having your son and not wanting to put him through that but i would seek help and definately stop cheating on him and tell him everything. being honest really does help a relationship. i dont know how your husband would react to the whole cheating thing but i would definately seek counseling and wouldnt cheat anymore because it will do more damage then good. sorry your having a hard time and i hope this helps. best of luck.
Stop!
My three children and I just walked into my wife kissing at local restaurant after she had denied any affair. What a nightmare. Do you know the affect this will have on my children?
As noted above, seek help quick and pull your husband in. Reignite the flame or turn it off in a respectful manner. Don't cheat unless you want to destroy more lives. It will all catch up.
The questions you and your husband need to ask each other and I am asking you:
Is there something inside of both of you to want to stay in this marraige other than your son?
Is there Love?
is there Respect?
is there commitment?
What do you mean by he is not emotionally there for you?
Have you both ever thought about what TRUE LOVE is, not the worlds view of what it is. Can you both see trying to Change your lives to make a genuine commitment to each other, or would you rather take the easy way out, which is what most people do nowdays.
If neither of you can Make a genuine commitment to each other, my question is why you both married in the first place? Its only been two years?
Marraige is a lot more than feeling gushy in love....
Marraige is " For Better or Worse"
Thinking of cheating.... What kind of example does that set? I can tell you, A lifetime of lies. You don't want to go down that road. Honestly, cheating is selfish, And since I did cheat on a former spouse, I can say it with authority.
Don't do it. If you want to leave your husband, leave him. But for God's sake leave him some dignity. Cheating will only end up hurting him and he is a human being and at the very least deserves to be treated as such. Also think about the other person's family and the turmoil it can cause them.
Good luck, K.
Hi heather3187
First of all, the comments by everyone have been fantastic, and right on. People are giving you some good advice.
I also must state that your frustration, pain, and confusion are very real and obviously causing you tremendous emotional, and spiritual stress. I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much. I have been through marriage pain somewhat like yours...and I do have some suggestions...please take what you want and leave the rest.
This is not the typical advice that most people would give you...Why do I know this: Because I am a Professional Marriage Counselors...who is a "Pro-Marriage"-Marriage Counselor...but I also realize that there are "real, legitimate, reasons why people should leave a marriage."
But the problem that I see is that "our disposable society" is so quick to tell married couples, "If you are unhappy, and this marriage thing is NOT working for you, GET OUT. FIND someone else, and move on." Yes, the are real reasons that some couples should "separate" or even get divorced...but there are many more reasons why couples should "get counseling (from a qualified, "Pro-marriage marriage counselor," and DO WHATEVER they can to 'honor the commitment-'for richer or poorer, for BETTER OR WORSE, in sickness, and in health..." Unfortunately, commitments in any arena do not mean too much anymore, but in Marriage (unless there is Physical, sexual, emotional/verbal abuse going on...or Infidelity)...couples should do EVERYTHING THEY possibly can to save the marriage. Even if some of the above tragedies have happened in your marriage or the marriage of others...so marriages STILL can be FIXED and even made to be MORE FULFILLING than you could EVER IMAGINE. But the "Pro-divorce marriage counselors" or the people, or just who tell you that if your NOT happy, it is OK to "have an affair, or get divorced are just giving you the the quick "microwave marriage fix." But the short term fix cab cause many long-term problems for EVERYONE involved. Why? Because, in a divorce, many, many people get hurt-especially the children.
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Here is my suggestion, despite the incredible stress that you find yourself in. take what you want and leave the rest:
1. We live in a disposable society..so the easiest solution seems to be to " get divorced, and moved on. Even most professional marriage counselors give this advice. Unfortunately, this is very BAD advice.
2. My wife and I went to marriage counselor...and when we went, I thought that our problems were pretty much 70% her issues/fault and 30% my fault. However; After three years of counseling (that was not always easy), when we finished counseling, I realized that I was 70% of the problem and she was 30%. Amazing, and life transforming! I would have been a lot "easier" at the time to just "end it and move on"...the lines that a majority of Professional Counselors and people will give you. I am glad that I did not take that advice. It would have been the BIGGEST mistake of my life. In counseling, I learned that:
1. I had tons of baggage regarding my own parents divorce that I brought into the marriage and "projected" my anger at for my mom onto my wife. I was blaming my wife for the "anger" I had at my own mother. I had NO idea I was doing this. My anger was a problem-but I thought that it was SHE, not my "hidden, unaddressed anger feelings for my mother" was the reason I was "irritable with Diane (wife).
2. That I was an "addictive personality"...in fact, that I had an alcohol addiction, as well as a "sex addiction." These are things I NEVER thought that I had any problem with. Needless to say, having addictions cause incredible stress for everyone in the family-and as an "addict"...every problem that I had was "some else's fault." Bot did I get a wake up call!
3. I realized that the reason I did NOT feel any "loving feelings or sexual attraction to my wife (who by the way is drop dead gorgeous) was because my addictions-especially my addiction to MYSELF and MY WANTS-would not allow me to see "reality" but instead to create my own view of reality, which was distorted.
4. Once I started attending AA meetings (I decided to do this based on the discoveries I was making about myself in GOOD, AUTHENTIC, Marriage Counseling, I learned to be "less judgmental against my wife," which in term, allowed me to look at myself HONESTLY for the first time in my life. Once I saw myself as I was and not as I "thought I was," it was amazing to me how my feelings for my wife-both emotional and sexual feelings came back strongly. Why? Because I was learning to "work on myself" and let my wife "work on her own faults and issues...which she began doing as well. Amazing things happened when we BOTH learned to "look at ourselves," and not point the finger at each other.
5. By "looking at ourselves," we were the able to discuss the issues we had with each other in more "sensitive" and "understandable way." We did not avoid telling each other the "difficult truths about things the other person was doing/or not doing"...but it was always done with the goal of "reconciliation." For example: If my wife told me, "I get frustrated when you spend long hours at work, and do not spend time with me any more." After my wife has been able to say this...and I need to let her finish before I even THINK ABOUT responding.
Then, since my wife did DID NOT ATTACK me, but just "state her honest feelings," when I do respond, I do not respond in "anger"...which allows me to think about what my wife has said rationally. Then, after realizing (because I did not feel "attacked") that what she was saying was "actually true," I have learned to:
1. Say, I am sorry (I do NOT even think I had said that word in the previous 16 years of our marriage) that I was spending too much time at work. I stated that, " I was not even aware that this was an issue with you, until you brought this up today," (in a non-emotional, but matter0of-fact way).
2. Say..." Even though I did NOT mean to hurt your feelings, I can understand how you would think that I do not want to spend time with you (because I was working later...more and more).
3. What can I do to make this up to you? How can I help make this situation better?
Now...after listening to Diane's issues, and responding to them in a "rec-conciliatory" manner, we move on to my issues with Diane. I might say,
"When you ask me to fix something in the house, and I do fix it...I get frustrated that after listening to your concerns, and do my best to fix the item that needs repair (which sometimes takes hours-depending on the item that needs to be fixed), ...when you look at what I fixed and say something like, " That is not what I wanted or how about if you do it this way." I go on to say, "That makes me feel like you 'always need to be in control, and I do not like it when you attempt to control something that YOU asked ME to fix. If you want to fix it your way, than do NOT ask me to fix it...just do it yourself. Finally, I might mention that, "If you do NOT know how to fix it, and know that I DO KNOW HI TO FIX it, then please...let me fix it my way...and instead of being critical, it would be helpful to me if you say something like, ' Thanks Steve for fixing the project I asked you about it. I appreciate that you took my concerns seriously. "When you (Diane) have done this...it gives me such a great feeling. But when your first comments are 'critical and negative,' it makes me NEVER want to fix anything that you ask me to fix again.
Then Diane (after listening to me speak without interruption) states:
1. I am sorry that I do this...especially when you are trying to doing something for me.
2. I can understand how frustrating this can be for you when I respond like that.
3. What can I do to make this up to you...or How can I make this situation better?
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Note:
1. This process of listening without "interrupting" (which rarely happens, even in the BEST marriages, is SO HEALING...and IT WORKS!"
2. We do not ALWAYS agree with the statement one of us says about the other...but, we learn to "agree to disagree," yet to try to underhand (by our actions and comments" that this IS an ISSUE for the other person (even if we do not agree), and that we will do our best to be more "sensitive" about this issue with our spouse-..in the most compassionate way possible.
3. We meet each Saturday morning (for about 45 minutes) so that we:
A. Are much more "UN-emotional" when we speak...because we are
NOT doing this in the middle of a disagreement or argument.
B. Know That we "WILL" do this EVERY SATURDAY (that is actually the
first time we have more than 10 minutes in an un-rushed manner in
our whole week..time will be different for EACH COUPLE...but
whatever the time is...is MUST BE a consistent time, that is set at the
same time once a week)
C. By knowing that we will do this each week, when problems come
up during the week, it is MUCH easier to avoid, "confrontations,
augments, and major disagreements in an EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED
manner, when you know you WILL BE able to speak about it
(un-emotionally) in just a few days (Saturdays, in our case).
D. For Us, and couples who have legitimately tried this for 6
weeks...there has been a 97% improvement in marriages
in the areas of:
1. Honest Communication
2. Less arguments (which have a tremendously positive affect on
Children, as well as the "stress" of the married couple."
3. Sexual Intimacy...yes, even this is improved. When couples
(especially wives) feel "heard, without interruption," and that
the other spouse actually tries to work on his/her OWN issues in
order to improve the marriage....the desire for SEXUAL INTIMACY
comes back...even if it has been gone for months or years.
When men or women feel "HEARD and RESPECTED," Sexual
intimacy (which in many cases has been gone for a long LONG
time) RETURNS!
4. When sexual intimacy (not just physical sex) but real "connection"
returns to a marriage, that solidifies EMOTIONAL TRUST and
intimacy.
5. So here is the formula:
Pick a quiet time (QT) in which each partner: A.) Seeks "HEALING" for their marriages and themselves (SH) by B.) Speaking to each other, without interruption and honestly states what their "concerns" or "issues" are with their spouse in an un-emotional but "matter-of-fact" manner. (REAL COMMUNICATION = RC). Real communication (RC) will lead to more Emotional Trust (ET)...which ALWAYS leads to more sexual intimacy (SI)...which makes a couple feel more connected (MC)...which brings about real, authentic, meaningful, Fulfilling Marriages (FM)...which most people...especially those in trouble marries (including myself 4 years ago) NEVER DREAMED WAS POSSIBLE.
SO...the beginning formula for REAL improvement in marriages
QT = SH -RC = ET =SI=MC=FM!
Note: If one or both spouses ARE suffering from an Emotional/Mental Disorder/Addictions (as in my case)... that is seriously affecting your marriage and family (as one concerned person said earlier in the post...and she may be EXACTLY CORRECT), THEN:
This will come out when you have your Quiet weekly talks.
If the person refuse to admit or even look into the possibility that they are suffering, and your marriage/family continues to be negatively affected, then MAYBE that is when a couple (AFTER attending PRO-Marriage Counselor Counseling, and trying at least 6 weeks of this Quiet Time Approach your marriage issues)...a spouse should consider separating or divorce.
There is NO way that I advocate staying in an ABUSIVE marriage (sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, Neglectful), but since most marriage vows say, "In sick and in health," if your HUSBAND is SICK, and IS willing to get help, then I think you owe yourself, your children, and your spouse an opportunity to get help to see if they are seriously willing to look at themselves (as mentioned in the beginning)...or to separate for a time, in order to give him the chance to make that decision.
Marriages, especially when they get tough are disposed of like old shoes. I pray that you at least consider getting help for your marriage (or definitely for yourself if your husband is UNWILLING) BEFORE YOU:
1. Have an Affair (I almost did this myself...so I DO understand the "pull of an attractive person who is not as dysfunctional as your spouse...and actually compliments you and makes you feel good just being with that person)...
but, if that person IS right for you...they will still be around after trying Pro-Marriage Marriage Counseling, Weekly, Honest, "Quiet Time Discussions," or even separation for a month or so....
2. Take the least path of resistance (which is suggested by most people...but, not on THIS BLOG...which is TRULY AWESOME
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You will always regret having an affair BEFORE a marriage is officially, and legally over. Very few of these "affairs" ever lead to long, meaningful relationships, and many times lead to DISASTER for:
1. The spouse who has the extramarital affair (I have seen this thousands of times...even in my OWN FAMILY)
2. The Children
3. The sick or non-compliant spouse
When you do things the RIGHT WAY...it is ALWAYS HARDER...yet the LONG TERM AFFECTS are always healthier than the "SHORT TERM-EMOTIONAL-SEEMINGLY QUICK-FIX" Approaches.
Please trust me when I say that although you are suffering, and unhappy right now...that is NOTHING compared to people who have had affairs, or got divorced without attempting real counseling. You do not want to have any REGRETS for yourself and your family regarding you marriage/family when you are 80 or 90 years old. Some of the most unhappy, bitter people, are people who gave up on their marriage too soon, and later regretted the consequences of divorce for their children (who are looking to you to see how you handle marital conflict...as they will most likely follow the same approach) and themselves.
Good Luck, heather3187,
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
If there is anything I can do to help (I am a marriage counselor), I will be happy to assist you in anyway. I do think the advice and comments by the people on this blog have been excellent!
Thank you SMS47 you have really helped to explain things alot better then some of the other postings. I felt that alot of people were angry with me for having these feelings and I feel that you were nicer in your comment to me. I have many issues and I need to bring them up and talk to him about them. I have lost some of the sexual interest with my husband and he wants me to want him more and I find that the most difficult. The biggest issue I believe is the sex in our marriage because I have no sex drive anymore and his is very high. I used to have a high sex drive but I no longer have that.
Whatever you do, don't get knocked up again. But I know women will always do what they want. DON'T PROCREATE !!!!!!!!!
Bottom line: you have to love yourself to love other people. The self destructive behavior you are exhibiting stems from a lack of love for yourself. Regardless of your husband or son, you have to love you first to love them! I suspect you don't feel good enough. Bill Ferguson has written several books on underlying hurts and how to get rid of them. www.billferguson.com
This is right on: "my addictions......would not allow me to see "reality" but instead to create my own view of reality, which was distorted."
I'm married to a good guy, attractive, physically fit, hard working, patient, faithful, sometimes even fun. And I cheated. For years I looked at him and told myself that I had settled, that I could do/could have done better. And I kept looking around at so many men who I thought would be 'upgrades'. They're not. And it turned out this thinking had nothing to do with them, or my husband, and everything to do with me.
I'm deeply insecure and when I'm not being pursued by a man I feel invisible and worthless. I'm dependent and I fear being abandoned, so as long as I'm being pursued I can feel secure in thinking that there will always be a new man, if need be, to take care of me and the kids. The attention I did get from my husband didn't do the trick for me because, of course, he couldn't become his own replacement. I needed to be sure there would be someone new if anything ever happened to him.
You're two years into being married. The honeymoon is over and all the new relationship chemicals have worn off. This is the part where reality should kick in, but if you're like me and hooked on the thrill of the chase/being chased you're not going to see your reality for the healthy, comfortable, stable situation that it is.
I almost lost everything that was worth anything in my life for a cheap high that couldn't last. There was nothing about my affair that I could now say 'it was worth it'. It wasn't. Like any other drug, the high wears off and another fix is always required. The only solution is in addressing the addiction for what it is.
I think ALL of the posts here have been excellent. Some of it you probably didn't want to hear, but it's the down right truth.
Coming from a woman who was betrayed---don't do it. The trauma of dealing with the betrayal of someone you love is like grieving a death. And it takes years, with or without staying married, to move past. Telling someone you love them amd want to work on your marriage because you are not happy---NOT traumatic.
If you two put in the honest work and the marriage still isn't what's best, then you both walk away with some dignity and respect. If you break your vow, you lose everything amd so does your family.
Cheating is weakness. You need to be strong for your son....but for yourself. Do you think you'd ever forgive yourself for committing such a horrible things? YOU deserve better.
I agree with a previous poster about this having to do with your feelings about yourself. You wanting to cheat has nothing to do with your husband. You have the power to make your life righteous and happy. Cheating is a choice YOU make. Nobody forces you into it.
I hope you can seek some counseling amd maybe get some empowerment on how to talk to your husband about how you feel. Honestly, you sound like my cheating husband, he was too much of a coward and selfish to seek out what his needs were and how WE could them. He was weak, with some additictions possibly, amd made horrible cruel choices. Maybe if he would have posted on here when he was stepping outside our marriage, some of these fine folks could have talked some sense into him. Now he will live with what he's done for the rest of his life. Being a known cheater cannot be helpful to ones self esteem.
At least you are on here looking for some help. I hope it helps you find the right path.