Christian Wife dealing with husband's second affair

I am completely new at this...today is my first time on this site and posting anything. I have been married for six years and my husband and I have two children. I am first and foremost a Christian who deeply desires to be the Godly wife and mother I feel called to be by Christ. I am successful professionally. I have a Bachelor's degree and two Master's degrees. I am a tenured high school teacher, and I love my job. My husband had his first affair 20 months ago with our music ministers wife at our church. She and I were bestfriends. I forgave him, put it behind us, and moved on with our marriage. I thought things were going well. A week ago, I discovered he was having a second affair with a different woman. He is not making any effort to make this right or to try to save our marriage. He has completely shut down on me emotionally. He says he doesnt understand why he cheats and he is afraid he will do it again. I want to forgive him. I want to save our marriage. However, he refuses to get help or talk to anyone. I am slowly getting depressed, discouraged, and hard hearted towards him. He did this, and I am the one doing all the work to try to get through this. As a Christian, I am trying so hard to trust in God's will and plan for my life. I want to trust that he will work through this situation for His good and glory. It is just so hard right now. Any encouragement, support, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Completely Lost, at least he said, he doesn't know why he cheats. I feel your pain because I'm in the same situation...my husband cheats on me. He doesn't admit it or deny it. He knows that I know and I feel he wants me to buy into it and say it is okay...not! Cheating was not part of the marriage contract. I can sit and jump down my husband's throat and he will sit and ignore me as though I'm not there saying a word. That upsets me so bad.

It is easy for someone to say, "I wouldn't put up with that", but one never knows what they will put up with until they are faced with the situation. I'm trying my best to trust that God will work through my situation as well, but I know that I have no patience and I want my husband to hurt just as bad as I'm hurting. Maybe that is the reason why my husband doesn't feel any pain because I want him to hurt too.

Sweetie, I don't have the answers for you because I most definitely don't have them for myself. All I can say is keep praying and ask God to order your steps. That is what I have done and I'm just praying something will break sooner or later.

I love my husband so much and I'm not a grudge holding person. I think my husband has taken me for granted because he knows that I'm kind and gentle. It is sickening.

I want you to know - you are not alone.

Love to you,
lmill

I am so sorry that you are going through this also. I never knew how badly I could possily hurt...and the hurt is so much worse when I feel like he doesnt care that I am hurting. I have tried so hard to be patient with him. I have tried giving him his space, continued to reassure him of my love and ability to forgive him. I completely lost my cool this afternoon and told him that I could not possibly do anymore than what I am doing now. I told him I had basically laid down and was letting him walk all over me. I told him that his attitude toward me was turning into being cruel. He doesnt even bother to respond to me. It has almost gotten to the point where I feel like I am the one asking for forgiveness and begging him to take ME back! How crazy is that?? I feel like my self esteem and confidence are completely gone at this point.

I do not wish this kind of pain on anyone. It is almost too much to stand. I will send a prayer up for you tonight!

Dear Completely Lost, I know exactly what you are talking about when you say, you feel it is you asking for forgiveness…I was the same way. I’m telling you, everything you have stated reminds me of me. I know what you are dealing with.

I have told my husband to leave and go stay with his “B” since she is the one he respects, loves and caters to. Oh then he starts coming up with excuses such as get his name off this house and he will gladly leave. I told him, cut your losts and go. He won’t. They want their cake and eat it too.

I can tell you what has helped me some to where I’m not so depressed…

I had stopped going to church for like over a year and I decided to get back in church and become active in the choir. That has really helped. Also, now I’m not saying this is right because I know that two wrongs don’t make a right…but I met a guy at the hospital and we exchanged numbers and started conversating over the phone. I think the church going and involvement has helped me more than conversating with the guy I met.

I had to do something because I found myself just sitting, thinking and not sleeping. I mean the two nights my husband is gone I would not sleep - then when he comes home he can sleep like a newborn baby…honey, it makes you so angry.

I could go on and on because I know what you are going through because I’m going through it.

I know it is hard, but try not to say anything to him about it. Give it go God and leave it with him. Your husband is too big of a problem for you to solve - okay? It’s easier said than done because I have given my situation to God so many times and have taken it back trying to fix it myself and it doesn’t work - it seems to get worse. I’m really trying hard now to just leave it with God and let him take care of it.

I know it’s hard and especially when you know what you know. It can eat you up inside.

I will be praying for you as well. I’m here with you honey…trust me we are going through the same thing and that is why I say - you are not alone.

Love ya,
lmill60

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Completely Lost, thanks for sharing your story, & I hope you will seek counseling/guidance for YOURSELF as to WHY you keep putting up w/such treatment/patterns. You mentioned two kids, IS this really what you want them to be taught directly/indirectly & then THEY will go out into the world & surround themselves w/this type of person or situation in their relationships. I'd sure think it through & I never underestimate denial, we'd all love to believe that our loved ones are willing to seek help w/us for the betterment of our futures together, unfortunately doesnt seem to be the case in alot of these types of problems.

Take care of you.

April

Dear completely lost I'm married now and have been dealing similar to your situation.It started 4yrs ago the first time.I forgave him too.He also told me he didn't know why he did it.He was always a strong christian man.We met at church and I am a christian believer myself.I value my marriage and children as my life.I never told my husband no to sex even if I didn't feel like it at the time.I felt God meant for me to be submissive in every way with my husband.It wasn't long after the first til more followed.I believe each time I lost more self respect for me than for him.I believed it was me not being what he needed.I had at one time believed this was the angel God sent to save me and my kids and lead us in a christian faith.After 4yrs of this repeated behavior and emotional neglect I got angry at God,myself,and my husband.I sought revenge on him and slept with his best friend.I never even wanted to do such a thing but just got so low I let go of myself respect and belief in God.We are now in counceling and it's obvious he still lusts for others.I don't and it still angers me.I have began rebuilding my self esteem in healthy ways and realizing he's the one with the problem.It is ultimately up to your husband to want to change.I believe alot of people would say leave him.I don't as a christian believe God wants us to give up easily on marriage.My advice would be to get help from a christian councelor who see's marriage from your own belief.I also suggest you don't blame yourself for his behavior.I also suggest alot of prayer.We can't change anyone or anything but ourselves but God can.There are alot of great people here.The more you open up and journal the more you are to heal.I lost myself but now am finding my way back to who I am and to God. God bless

I was unfaithful to my husband for almost 3 years. He didn't deserve it and I felt horrible about betraying him; however, I did it because I was missing something in my marriage which I couldn't identify at the time. I ended up telling my husband about the affair and he forgave me in short time. I'm still trying to deal with WHY I did it in the first place and I feel he forgave me way too easily. I don't feel fulfilled in our relationship yet I enjoy his company. This is likely the same thing you all need to figure out in your own relationships. At some point, you have to realize staying together for the sake of the children or other people is not worth the constant sense of unfulfillment - what causes the unfullfilmentwill be different for all of you. Seeking counseling (individually or together) is vital to improving your marruiage to the extent it prevents future incidents.

I have never joined any on-line groups before, but I am hoping someone can help me with this roller coaster I feel like I am on. My husband of 32 yrs had an affair which I just discovered in May (it had started in February and ended in April)through the most common way -- the cell phone and the text messages that were being sent to a number I didn't recognize. Something was off in my marriage and I was on-line checking to see who my husband had been talking to when he said he seemed to have no interest in talking with me (we own a business together, that he has to be away at our other location, for months at time, usually I join himm but my father suffered a massive stroke in February and I stayed local to help my Mom who doesn't drive)My gut told me to look @ the text message portion of the bill, it was the oddest thing that kept pushing me to look at the texts, although my husband told me he doesn't like to text -- well there it was, over and over, this phone #, did some investigation found out who it belonged to ( a bartendar at a bar he liked to frequent with friends), I flew to where my husband was and confronted him, he admitted to everything, I have been trying to work through this over the last few months, he returned to our other location with me and we have been together since, but recently I am overwhelmed with sadness at the fact that the first time he had her to our home was for dinner on the very night I was in the hospital with my Dad as he was having the stroke, my husband was aware that I had been at the hospital and what was going on, and still had the woman (who is also married) come over for the planned dinner, he said after dinner, he leaned over and kissed her and things got "hot & heavy" from there. This was the final straw, I asked him to move out and am heading towards wanting to file for divorce. I have gone over the last few months, from initially crying to then being angry and now back to crying and being so sad.

I am so sad, and have become this pathetic creature. I am not one to be able to let things go as my husband has said and he doesn't feel I will ever get over this. Although he acts like he wants to try at this, he never once, not from the initial confrontation to today has begged for forgiveness, he said he is sorry that this has hurt me and feels bad about that, but has admitted that during the 3 months of this relationship, he didn't feel guilty, what am I supposed to take from that. I am so lost, any advice from anyone.

Oh my... I seem to be reading my own story. They so often honestly don't know why they cheat. The pain is this bad because you love him. I also begged my love to come back... I basically have kept begging him to love me, but he doesn't, which is why he cheated. It pains me to no end to even type those words, and I know it will pain you to read them. I am so so sorry that you are going through this, and I wish none of us never had to feel this worthless and this pained. I have no answers for you... My dear friend who went through this very thing over a year ago assures me that it gets better over time. That the pain slowly but surely becomes easier to handle... We need to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other - not because we want to - but because we need to. Right now taking it one day at a time is too much, so take it one minute at a time. As each minute passes say "ok you made it another minute..." That's how I get through my days. I hope I helped you at least a bit. Please take care of yourself.

I don't think that men ever feel bad or guilty because we want them to. Nor, for that fact, any other cheater.
It's sad because we often want validation for our feelings of anger and betrayal. You can't even begin to heal because they will not let you own that.
I do believe that we are more valuable than the relationships that we think we are a part of. It's better to not think of yourself as a unit when it becomes broken.
It makes me angry to hear these stories of these men mistreating women without any sense of remorse. But, you can tell that they are dull to the hurt that they have caused. In addition, they are annoyed that they have to listen to the rants.
That is a man's easy way out: Say nothing and the other person will wear themselves out with talk and eventually have to shut up. They are so good for making themselves slippery like eels so that they don't have to deal with any consequences.
Basically, with their actions they are saying: It's not their fault and they are sticking to that story.

You are definitely not alone, I feel your hurt! If there were just some simple, clear answer! Take care of yourself, treat yourself as you would treat your best friend; you are an amazing, wonderful person, and you WILL be able to laugh and frolic and dance again. Men can be so cold and cruel - so why do we love them so? Perhaps because we are so loving. It's who we are. I'm happiest when I remember to be grateful for that capacity to love SO MUCH. Even though it is also why I have been HURT so much. I hope any of this rambling has helped you. You're in my thoughts and prayers :)

Good job gang.....wanted to add that through the ages of the way each generation WAS/IS raised, it has & will impact the way people respond/react in life & the way they treat others, so if we learn FROM OUR PAST & the impact it does & will have on the next generation all in the world may have a fighting chance in treating eachother better, unconditionally, w/more respect, consideration & stronger, more forthright & honorably, & trustworthy.

Take care,

April

I've come to think that cheating has to do with power struggles and self control. So if you're caught up in why who's doing what to whom, I would recommend starting with the control issues in your lives and that will help understanding.

But my ONLY pragmatic advice, from experience, is to get out! There's nothing to be gained by perpetuating a truly bad relationship. You'll all be happier once this is realized.

Wow, I am glad you came here and posted your story. Thank you. I have no idea why my husband cheated. nor why he did not walk out his vows. almost divorced now, I question the what ifs...like did I not go to church enough? Did I not walk out my walk with JESUS enough? did I not volunteer, do for others? Why god, Why? I don't know the answers. Today, I question WHO my God is....The God of my understanding. Since my God was at our church, where my 2B x goes with his newest G/F. Yes, my flesh is not strong enough. I am not a saint. Do I wish that he would have turned around and did alllll and stand on the word of God ? yes, BUT, that is not real. My reality is: He left. He continues his behaviors. I am left to move an hour away, Lost everything I had, in my 50s starting over. I have grandkids that I will no longer see very much. Yes, this sucks. Yes, this is wrong. It is what it is. My purpose ? I have no idea. My son is grown. I just pray to a God that I don't understand right now to show me How To Live today. May you have a blessed day, it sounds like YOU know who your God is. Amen

I hope you find the help and answers to your situation! Marriage is not easy, but if you ask me, unless the circumstances are really bad, i think marriage is worth fighting for. I pray your husband will want to get help!

Hi my name is bongy 24yrs of age have a 3yr old son,I'd love 2 share my story cos I feel I need more closure or advice,I have been dating the the father to my son for almost ten yrs nw.he prosed 2 m n both our parents n us r planning on marriage nw,sadly I foundout dat hez been cheatng on m,the worse part is when I caught him doing it he showed no remorse and its been 3mnths nw since I caught hm bt he has made no effort in tryng 2 make the relationshp work,dis hurts so badly cos I dnt knw what to do,I feel I can not go 2 hm n try 2 talk abt dis when he is not even making any effort 2 do so,I have left him n let him b cos I feel mayb dis is what he wanted,it huts cause all I want hm to do is apologise n tel m y he did dis bt his not which makes it so hard 4 m 2 find closure with hm since I feel ill b belittling my self n let him take advantage of m n he might feel dat I need him more that he does n he's not showing any respect by doing this because sometimes I find him with the same girl n he never does anything about that,what I do is leave the both of them n carryon moving,it hurts so much cos I thought dis is the man I loved n who loved m and was almost married 2 him,I feel bad 4 my son cos hez going 2 growup wit his parents separated,iam I wrong 4 letting him b,why must I fight 4 sum1 who shows no remorse to what he has done,imm confused n dnt knw what to do pleaseeee help

bongy, Welcome to the group, thank you for sharing your story, very wise decision & even wiser if you've left this situation, as you don't want this type of bad male role modeling influencing your son, it will open up a whole other can of worms for you & your child later on in life.

Your esteem is very low & will continue spiraling down if you stay w/this man, I do hope your employed, as that will give you more options in overcoming some obstacles. I'd advise to contact an attorney, first visit is free & file for child support for your son, regardless of you not being married to this man.

From what you describe this man won't be apologizing any time soon, so don't hold your breath waiting, instead focus on YOU & CHILD on what you need to get accomplished that should be your number one priority & that will be more productive in the long run & continue staying w/us for added support.