So I had a Christmas brunch today with my whole family and it is times like these that I really feel different. Everyone was happy and chatting and I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to cower in a corner. Anxiety always mounts before a meal, especially when I am looking at all the options that are available. I wish that I could just enjoy a meal with my family but it's hard. I cannot just sit down, pick what I want, and enjoy. It's the mind games that ed plays with you. You shouldn't eat that," "that's bad for you," "you will gain weight from eating that." I just want to scream "GO AWAY, GET OUTTA MY HEAD AND LET ME EAT MY BRUNCH!" I hate this more than anything....
Gosh Katie, you took the words right out of my mouth...today more then anything I just wanted to be normal and enjoy a meal with my family. They all went out for dinner and I made some lame *** excuse why I couldnt/wouldnt be able to go. How pathetic am I? I just want to be able to not analyze the menu, try to calculate how many calories, fat, carbs etc. Why cant I just be one of those people who orders and eats WHAT THEY WANT? Its just not fair...
I make lame excuses all the time to get out of things. I find that my social life has really depleted because of this as well. Even though I am in recovery it’s just not the same as it used to be. I love the comfort of my own home, my own routine, and being in control of my surroundings. When I do venture out…I get soooo tired so quickly and just want to go home.
I'm not in recovery yet, I wish I could say I was. My social life is non existant anymore, my bf is very patient but wants me to meet his family and of course, they want to have me over for dinner like any normal family would - i cant even commit to that, it scares me too much. I eat at the same times everyday and i eat the exact same things everyday, i cant see myself ever getting out of my bubble...it fuckin sucks!!
My husband is my rock :) He is ALWYAS supportive which is what keeps me sane. I do the same thing as you - same time everyday, same thing everyday, same piece of gum at the same time everyday. It's impossible to beat the cycle....
I dont really have a rock, unfortunately :( But we'll beat this..we have too!
I don’t know what I would do without him 
You must have someone you can trust and rely on…but I guess that’s what this website is for as well. When you say you are not in recovery…how do you mean? I think that getting support for ANYONE is a step in the right direction and beginning your path to recovery. If you weren’t recovering, you wouldn’t be able to open yourself up to others like you are on here. You want it, I know you do…and you are taking the right steps to get there