Recovering fully from an eating disorder, for me, and I believe anyone, means that you have to close and LOCK that door forever. I do not believe that anyone has to suffer, even just a little bit, for the rest of their life.
I hear people refer to 'always having to deal with it (IT being the eating disorder), as if it will always be a part of them. I don't buy it. I am living proof that this is false.
The concept of full recovery, complete, without 'residual' thoughts, fears or behaviors, is a very difficult one to grasp, especially if you are still in the midst of working recovery.
It's not a fast process, nor an easy one, but I found that once I truly closed the door, and turned my back on it, it is no longer a part of my life..in any way. I continue to be amazed by this, as I live my life in total freedom.
What did I do that finally allowed me to 'close the door'....
Please read the entire post on my Blog at:
Jan,
You are an inspiration. I dont know if you know how much reading your posts about yourself, your advice and your feedback has helped me reach where i am today, and i am so VERY greatful for that!
(I just really wanted to say that, ive been wanting to say it for quite some time :) :) )
Thanks for posting this. It means alot to read it from someone whos been there and found their way out.
I also believe that the door must close completely. Leaving even the slightest crack means to me at least that its just waiting to start over again.
-First of all, Ive found that changing some things in my life are leading closer and closer to sealing that door shut.
By trying to eat healthy and properly, at this point i still have my meal plans, but they are not like before, now they feel more normal, and i play a big part in making them with the help of my nutritionist. We have come up with differant strategies to cover differant situations, ie long days at work where i have to spend more hours there and have to eat in, or for over the weekends when my own schedule is not as rigid as during the week. They are still meal plans but they are more flexible now than they were before to fit in with my actual way of life as i am slowly beggining to step back into life and embrace it and it feels good!
I too refuse to have any diet/light foods at home. ANything that refers to slimming is a big no for me as i do not see the reason for having them around. Healthy eating should be enough for a healthy wieght (whatever that is). Fullstop! and thats what i have started to reply to people who comment on my weight or my past weight loss. I am learning to avoid getting into these conversations when they are directed to me and cutting them off before they start. I do not see the reason for it and i do not want to get caught up in it.
As for scales, i do not see myself re introducing those in my home either. I go to my doctors and my nutritionist and if they have to they weigh me and thats enough. There is no point for me to have them at home when i know that on a bad day they may just tempt me.
Bassically im trying to change things, or more like put things in to some kind of order that will help me shut that door and keep it that way.
-Delay and distract. I method i learned through your writting, i have found it so helpful and though difficult and not always succesful at first, i found the more i tried the more i succeeded. There are so many other way to deal with things that life deals us, healthier ways and those are the ways i choose.
-Asking for help, admiting i am not superwoman and that it is really ok, because nobody is, and nobody can expect me to be.
I am alot more open now. When i feel things arent going to well i try to speak up, first to those around me who can offer me support and love. I am so willing to offer it, i am no longer ashamed to ask for it aswell. Recently when i felt things were begginging to rock again and i felt i couldnt get the help i needed from those close to me (not because they didnt want to, but i felt they just could not) i was not afraid to call my therapist and ask her if i could go and see her, even though we hadnt had a planned meeting for a while. It was the first time i did it without second guessing myself or berating myself for doing so. And i was proud. Yes! I was proud of myself, because it helped me reasses things once again and it may have stoped me from slowly sinking back.
I want to shut that door and i want to keep it that way because i am starting to see what life can be like without ED in it and i like it and that is what i want for myself.
Thanks for being here and helping others with your own experiences.
Sending my love
Andrea
Andrea,
Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me to know that my own experience has in some way helped another.
I write because I am passionate about others NOT giving up, and I am blessed to read about the tools you are using to help you move beyond this and close that door!!
I love what you wrote about how you are learning to avoid those situations and conversations that may be upsetting or cause you to revert back in your thinking or behavior. We truly can begin to learn how to avoid these things..it's about keeping our eyes open and truly fighting against that old pattern.
The flexibility of your meal plan is great progress! I use to think that I would always be meal planning and I would never move beyond that as my anchor. It died a natural death, and along the way, I left many of my fears and obsessions behind.
You are doing the work Andrea!! It's so inspiring to read what you write, and to witness your maturity in recovery!
HUGS...Jan ♥
Wow,
It is beautiful to read what you wrote Andrea and how far you have come. I remember some of your early posts and truly, i am inspired.
Jan, i am nowhere near being recovered but when i hear people say: this is something i will always have to live with (in reference to the ed), i always think: well then you are not fully recovered. I get so annoyed when people speak of the ed as a burden they MUST carry around forever. For me, that has much to do with the idea that the ed is something that just happens to us and we never know when it may 'just happen' again. We still have to take responsibility in it and the idea that it happens to us and we have no say in it, speaks to this idea of having to live with the ed forever. Recovery to me means not having the eating disorder as a part of me. No ed voices in my head, no dilemnas over food and eating, no concern/obsessing over weight. None of that. Just liberty.
But i do worry for myself that i will never accept my body (fully). It was so funny today thinking that i felt 'large' in my own body at this weight when i can see i am not. I cannot see how i will 'fit' into my body. How my head will accept my weight when i have spent so long not accepting it. I cannot see myself eating whatever, whenever, as i hear some people speak of. Cos i have no intention of going in the opposite direction and becoming so carefree that i then have to deal with obesity (another ed). I want balance. Is that possible? Some of you guys make me think so.
For me, i guess, the difficulty is not knowing what normal is. Having no knowledge of eating normally. But i like you believe that if i leave even a small gap, then relapse after relapse will occur. It is almost like i have to choose my master. I cannot dip my toes in the pool of life and death at the same time and expect life. I need to fully immerse myself in life and have no part to do with the ed.
Now whether or not i CAN do this is the bit i am not sure about. But, in conclusion, i agree with everything you said. Thank you for this post. It is such an important thing to discuss.
xx
Jan
I have spent the past four years of my life believing that I would never be able to totally recover from my eating disorder - I was told that recovery is life long, that I would always deal with the demons and voices in my head, that they would never really go away.
I trust you and If you could do it then I think I can do it to. I WANT to recover, I don't WANT to be sick anymore - I think that is key. I am truly ready, I will do whatever it takes, I want to be happy and free of this monster inside my head!!
You are a true inspiration
Love,
CC
Sreb...I understand when you think about the ED as being something that 'happens to you', that you would question and possibly worry that it 'would happen' again. It is true that none of us causes ourselves to develop and eating disorder, which also raises the question, "then how could we ever make it go away?". Weeeeelllll.....there are many reasons that a person may develop an eating disorder...some are environmental, and some are now being found to be genetic. If you can try to remember that the eating disorder itself, the behaviors, etc., are truly attempts to cope, it may help you change your perspective. We were ill equipped, or had no example to pattern ourselves after..whatever, we didn't know any other way to manage the fears, the self-hatred, the abuse/trauma (?), the pain that we were/are feeling as we attempt to live life. Life will always be full of challenges. Recovery does NOT change that. Recovery is like taking courses in coping. We have to do the work, but we need instructors along the way. It might take some of us (me included) a long time to decide what class to take, or that I even want to take a class. And most often, the work is hard, and the class may extend for a longer period of time that we expect....but if we quit 'school' prematurely, and we have not developed true and healthy coping methods, {closing the door], that's when we may still be vulnerable.
Sooooo....we may not cause the eating disorder to happen, but we are the driving force to kill it off, before it kills us. As I said, life will always throw challenges at us, but once we are empowered by the development of better coping tools, we are much stronger to face each challenge and work through it.
For myself, PEOPLE have become one of my most valuable tools for life. Learning to allow others into my life, and to ask for help when I needed it, was a vital part of my recovery process.
The fears you express about acceptance and 'normalcy' are valid and real. I know them. I felt them.
I feel them no more. It's a process. and some of these things seem to work themselves out....if you don't stop, or 'quit class'. ♥
I hope this makes some sense. I only know these things through hindsight.
CC...I believe you are ready....and that means a lot. It does not mean that every moment will be easy or that you will not question your desire, but you are taking the steps to have people around you who DO believe in YOU, and who know that recovery does happen!
*We are not meant to go through this life alone* -me
Love you all....Jan ♥
Hmm Jan,
You highlighted something i forgot to mention. I recently thought about it this way when i was told that day care may last for 6 months. It is like going back to school. Relearning or learning. If i see it like that then it may help me deal with Recovery and the day programme. God knows how much i like studying. lol
And yes, saying that we are the driving force to kill off the ED empowers us. Makes us know that we can be done with this and get rid of this if only we put the effort in. Maybe i need to think about this as going back to school and getting through the toughest exams i have ever had to take but focusing on the long term benefits of suceeding. Hmmm.
Also, i get that this is a process. I have to think of it like that. I reckon some things will just resolve themselves and others will take greater effort.
Yes, i struggle with letting anyone in. Like i want no one to go through this with me. I just want to get on with it myself. But i think for me, at least, the first step was letting professionals in. For everyone else, family, friends, that is a work in progress.
Thanks for reminding me that this is about perspective. How i view this process.
xxxx
Thankyou so much. I want to achieve this freedom too. After 10 years, I want it more than anything. Posts like yours keep me going on a daily basis. Thankyou so much. You have no idea how much hope your words bring
xxx
simone....You can do it...keep reaching out, searching for answers and be proactive for yourself! Thank you for reading...Jan ♥
Jan,
It was your gentle nudge toward action that got me rolling in lasting recovery. I never want to hear that I have to work for anything, I do however love hearing that freedom is possible. I love taking in that freedom is my birthright, we are not here to battle ED our whole lives. Life will always be a struggle, but for me the work is waiting beyond food and weight.
Thank you for being knee deep in the real life, showing the world that it's possible to feel life unfiltered by ED. You do shine a light on the path... we have to walk it.. no one else, still knowing it's possible is a giant, giant gift.
Love to you and all my sweet sisters on this board.
Patsy
Once again I find myself reading words I badly needed to hear... ♥ I have felt myself inching closer and closer to recovery. I WANT IT. :) And yet, we can not RUSH the process. Indeed, it may take longer than we think it "should". Full recovery is possible, but it will only come with hard work and enough TIME; time to practice new skills, time to cement new habits... And yet I feel myself an impatient child... I am antsy. Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, looking around, crossing my arms... Perhaps I can hurry things? I tried to do the right thing a few weeks ago... I tried to scale my calories back JUST A TAD to compensate for my lack of exercise. The numbers were acceptable, according to the data my center provided... And yet, the mind set was very much ED... Compensating. I felt I hadn't "earned" the full calories. And my weight is STABLE, so I must be fine! So the ED justification ran through my mind... Now... Three days after being "set right", I have edged my caloric intake back up to where my body needs it to be. And it's amazing how FAST the ED thoughts slip in! WOW... I didn't even REALIZE!!! I'm having FAT thought. Comparing thoughts. Obsessions. Urges to pare those numbers back down... Shave off the sides... I LOOK BIGGER. And yet... I know my eyes lie. My numbers are NOT different. I am a HEALTHY weight. NOT fat. UGH... This all just goes to show me... I cannot RUSH recovery... I cannot fool myself into thinking I can make small decisions and that they won't affect me. I'm not yet recovered. A recovered person wouldn't be experiencing all these ED thoughts. But a recovered person also wouldn't have let Ed in the door by "compensating" for lack of exercise to begin with. My therapist says I need to learn to TRUST my body. She says I have proven to myself that I can maintain my weight at this caloric intake. Not quite true... I have proven to myself that that is true AS LONG AS I AM EXERCISING... So... It's time to prove it to myself. I MUST do this SCARY thing... This work is freaking TERRIFYING. But I can now recognize that I must push forward and prove to myself that my body is trustworthy. My recovery hinges upon learning this lesson.
Ah... The importance of slamming the door on Ed... No, we cannot dip our toes into ED waters... There is only pain and suffering to be found there. And it's amazing how quickly one can be swept out to sea... Those currents are STRONG... So... We'll swim parallel to shore for a while. We'll break the current's hold on us. And ride the waves safely back to shore. ♥
Much love to you all! ♥
Jen
Jen,
Always good to hear you share....♥
I was just remembering that I thought a couple of times that I had closed the door, but when I examined it closely, my foot was still wedged in there, holding it open just a crack. I KNEW when it was closed, almost without realizing it, I just knew. You will know too.
What you share about having to learn to trust your body is very important..it is critical in order to reduce the anxiety.
These are all important steps...you are walking the walk.
Love you friend! xoxox Jan ♥