Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency. For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression. There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.
Some characteristics of co-dependent:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.
2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".
4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.
7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.
9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
I've struggled with being co-dependent. I think the further along I am in life, that list gets shorter and shorter. But it's so hard. I'd rather focus on other people so I don't need to focus on myself. Huge problem. I have learned there are things I can change and things I cannot. I'm always trying to better myself so here's to hopin'!
xo, July