My fiancee bought me an engagement ring & wedding ring,& the wedding date is in October. The problem is that he did it only so he wouldnt lose me. I get hot cold treatment all the time & he says hes afraid of a million things..but the fact is what he recently told me...hes afraid of me..or should I say terrified. He said please dont give up on me,but weve known each other 1year & a 1/2 & Im still on a rollercoaster ride & I think I'm ready to get off. He withdrawls from me ,says things that hurt me ...like I may back out on the weddding day...or I might decide I dont want to be married after I am married...he acted all luvy duvy after he asked me to marry him & then he looked more terrified than I've ever seen him last week at premarital counseling. The counselor looked at me & said dont marry this man unless you want another unhappy marriage.Kevin said but I luv her! The counselor said I dont believe you...you luv yourself! He said if we still wanted to pursue it,he would counsel my fiancee by his self , gave him Isaiah book in the Bible to read. The counselor said to me ...dont be suprised if I come back & give ya the same advice. Does anyone know if commitment phobia can be cured? Should I just move on? I feel so hurt cause he should be happy & excited & he crushes my hope all the time...hes the only guy since my sons dad that I fell in luv with...it may not happen again...Im not 20 anymore...I want to have a happy marriage to someone who wants that too...we arent seeing each other till his counseling is over...does anyone know about this commitment phbia stuff? thanks!
Thank goodness your in counseling, most skip alot of that & get divorced later (they didnt have that when I was younger) it can be a very good thing to help lead /guide/inform most people & maybe you might want to consider what the counselor says (food for thought) not that there arent some..... well should I say not very good counselors out there, gosh they dont always KNOW everything but can be a good tool, please wait & see how things are progressing til you two set a date it could help in the long haul & its up to you if you consider moving on that depends on how you really feel in your heart.
I dont have knowledge on phobias (I hate wasps but....) you might find that answer here keep looking if you want to. Take care of you.
April
Thankyou for your help. I really dont know how I feel right now in my heart cause its filled with hurt…so maybe after his counseling I can come to terms with things…I do luv him…but I dont want to be treated hot & cold …it makes for an insecure relationship…he wants me then he dont kinda thing…I dont like wasps either or spiders!thanks again!
LOL, LOL, anyway my husband has done that for 19yrs. another disorder found out years later called BPD, I'm not saying yours is that situation but to this **** day he creates issues/drama & then the next day doesnt recall it, I now have learned from this so I dont go there at all, I just do my own thing regardless & one day it will be a distant not to fond memory/learning experience. =D
I know he is afraid of change & withdraws from me…I’m just trying to figure out what is wrong with him…so I can help him…I do luv him & I’m tired of dating. I …but I dont want to be ignored when I’m married thats what he said he cant promise me he wont do…he says he will marry me in oct. but I think only because he knows he will lose me…is it worth spending a life with someone ya luv if you know he has trouble communicating…emtionally & physically? thanks for your comments…I read about bpd & it does sound like him…maybe he has a combo of things wrong with him…should he go to a psychiatrist…to be diagnosed…is this how your husband was diagnosed? thanks!
Women do that time & time again, we always want to HELP FIX IT so we think or we blame ourselves (which I learned to stop doing to myself) I feel now even though I learned certain things & w/myself included that I wasted the past 6yrs. trying to learn, be as supportive as I could, therapy, reading, researching etc, etc, & figured out some people JUST DON'T GET IT, for whatever reason emotionally or physically. Yes it would be wonderful if yours is willing to seek out thoses answers & help himself & yes my husband had 4 different doctors w/a grocery list of disorders, it would take the rest of his life to find resolve or peace of mind within himself & he chose not to, I'm not saying this would happen in your case but wished I'd had a heads up about what I thought I was trying to do & was way over my head & crap still continues so I BACKED OFF cause he only resented me. Keep asking questions & keep talking it out, we're here for you.
Take care of you.
April
Thanks for being here to help me think things out...a lot of my friends want me to let him go...he says please dont give up on me...& I luv him...sounds like ya know how that goes....my fiancee also knows whats wrong...but is he willing to change?...sometimes i wonder cause hes negative & says thing like what if I get married & then regret it & what if I withdraw again..like I did in my other marriages....I say to him if ya do I'll tell ya then just turn it around & keep trying..this is foriegn to him cause he is very negative..I told him he can develop a different way of thinking if he thinks of a positive right after he thinks of a negative...then the positive will replace his negative thinking......sometimes I wonder if maybe he just dont want to change...cause he uses the word comfort zone a lot....hes afraid of change afraid of moving afraid of me afraid he wont like his neighbors....what if ...what if ...blah blah blah...we arent seeing each other till he sees counselor today...he also tells me maybe he was supposed to stay single & never marry...also maybe it would be better for me if I didnt marry him...then he says & maybe not....mixed signals all the time...he thinks about me all the time. he says..but isnt ready to live with me yet..although our wedding plans was to marry in two months..I'm not 20 anymore..I would like to be happily married for several years before I get old...are ya happy...even though your husband has these problems? If ya could go back before wedding day..would ya not marry & find someone else? ya dont have to answer me,I dont want ya to get in trouble with your husband...& this is personal info....if ya want to talk to me via personal e-mail I'll give ya my address...do ya have kids? I have a son & past child bearing now...I just want a husband I can be happy with ..this phobia thing didnt show up till after he fell in the with me then panic & withdrawl waxes & wanes with affection...I didnt think I'd ever fall in luv again..now I have with someone who has commitment phobia...so thats where I am stuck for now...glad to hear from ya again..hope you will continue to e-mail me..thanks!!!!!!!!!
In answer to some of your questions, yes I'm at peace w/myself now for learning or attempting to try & I no longer involve myself w/his drama, constant cycleing thoughts, garbage of any type & no I would have not married this person until HE had learned some things out about himself which couldnt be possible 20yrs.ago if one is a "ONE step forward & TWO steps BACK" type of personality disorder he couldnt see it & extremely in denial & self absorbed. We live on opposites sides of the house the past 4yrs. I have my life & he has his somewhat w/himself & drunk, theres no room for anyone else not even his own son. Yes I have kids, 2 boys 26 & 18.
You'd mentioned his other marriages (thats a signal), does he just blame the others or does he take any responsibility for how they failed? Has he learned anything from his past relationships that will take both of you into the future or does he just keep DWELLING (which is what it sounds like from what you're saying). Does he respect & take into consideration what your saying to him about NOT thinking negatively? Its not that easy to stop certains types of patterns unless one recognize it which is half the battle of looking within......
1 of the books I read was "I hate you, dont leave me" not a fun/good read but I got what the heck is goin on w/alot of people which helped me to not take others crap on the planet too PERSONALLY, all these learning experiences taught me that I could not fix/teach/learn everything nor him & just keep going w/my sons which you'd mentioned you have kids & you might want to consider having that type of negativity around them, mine weathered alot of it but w/my close guidance & leadership cause I didnt save all of us quickly enough cause I did not know what the heck was wrong til'03 (that my friend IS a whole nother animal when we find things out AFTER the fact, then our brains have to go thru a process to heal). I'll contact you here & give you my email & its nither here nor there what my so called husband thinks.
Its alot to take in & can wear you out. I'll be thinking about you.
April
Thanks,again. Its nice to know someone personally that has gone through this. I'm not married yet. I havent saw him for 1 week & 2 days on the advice of the premarital counselor that told Kevin he loved his self not me & for me not to marry him because I would have an unhappy marriage. He hasnt called,only once...he e-mailed me 1 time...said he was trying to read Isaaih before his private appointment,Monday. I miss him,& I dont know why...however I really would be uncomfortable seeing him right now...so I'll see what the counselor says...he goes Monday. My fiancee realizes he was the cause of his 2 wives leaving. He said the first one he was always gone...so she found someone else & left...the second one he said his wife told him he ignored her except when he wanted sex...hes afraid he will do that to me...& he gave me mixed signals in his e-mail. maybe he was meant to stay single.......maybe not......maybe I'd be better without him ..maybe not...he said he was reading & trying to figure his self out...I know I luv him & I also know I would not be happy if he is going to be hot & cold to me all the time. I mean,we arent even married yet,& he is acting this way already...we havent even kissed hardly the last two weekends we did have together. My counselor I have in my town(my fiancee & me live in different towns)....said he has never saw either a man or woman in his 20 some years of counseling that hasnt been happy & excited before their wedding. my fiancee isnt ....now I'm not....he finally took all the joy out of it...honestly I dont know if I can get it back. I still luv him....& if he is going to read the long book of Isaiah,then I feel like he must luv me...& I do luv him...I'm thinking what is right as a Christian to do? Would it benefit him in the long run if I wait...maybe God had him meet me for a reason,& I should hang in there till he learns something?
Narcissism IS another one of my husbands & like I said before the list IS endless SO I stopped chasing that dragon, my hair starting falling out, I wasnt hungry, I was sad & didnt enjoy much (probably depressed w/the situation & scared for any type of future endeavors) so its up to you to just be supportive if you want to & I'm not aware if religion has alot to do w/disorders, guess that depends on the persons morales & values huh, didnt work in my case & I thought & knew my sons & I where the best thing that ever happened to him, didnt help what was going on inside him though, I now never underestimate the power of these disorders.
April
I understand the lists....I've been trying to figure my fiancee out since he got that deer in the headlight look when he fell in luv with me! Before that he was all for marriage if two people fell in luv...then I labled him as commitment phobic...my counselor here said he thought one of the things I liked about him ...I was mis- lableing as humbleness....he thought it might have been martry syndrome(might have mis spelled) syndrome...that seemed to fit when I read it also....also he noticed he was passive aggressive....that fit too.....so theres 3 disorders......the premarital counselor just thinks it has to do with sin & lables are meaningless....& also that my fiancee is completly self absorbed....now my head is spinning! I think I'll just run away to hawwaii or something(lol)....have ya noticed how involved some of the disorders are? like playing victim to get ones way...lots of manipulations & they are all learned behaviors that we subconciously or conciously know work so we do them to get our way....however...some people learn that a lot of these behaviors hurt others...& thats when ya have to decide whether they are worth it or not... & if we want to change them or not for the better...so I really dont quite know what I'm trying to say...but I do know my head is spinning & it needs a break so I'm gonna go & lay on the couch & watch tyra...& eascape to someone elses problems for now...please e-mail me back...I appeciate it!
Now your getting it, thats another one passive/ aggressive, & I've often heard that my husband was CHARMING, little did they know, then piece by piece, year by year people started noticing how angry he would get like a 2yr. olds tantrum, then it kept getting darker & darker for him & more self destructive. I gotta go for now & proceed w/caution, the spinning your feeling went on for years for me. I'll get on Friday. Talk to you later.......
April
Hey Karma, have you clicked on your messages on this site I sent you something & when you feel like it keep talking, I really understand how you feel & am sure you will choose wisely & wait & see how things are going.
Take care of you
April
Talked to my premarital counselor on phone the other day. He said sincr my fiancee is so indesisive right now,I should give back the ring,& tell him down the way maybe ...........I think I will do this after his counseling mon. cause it will help him to continue....the counselor said it would be several months till improvement will be seen...thats if he goes! He hasnt called me only one since counseling together..week before last...he said he was scared of me....I said of what...he said change...(I prob. already told ya this.)...but I really want to tell him I'm going on with my life...I really dont want to talk or see him...cause it would be painful....I just want to tell him I'm getting on with my life....is that selfish?...should I leave the door open & tell him he can talk to me bout his counseling? I hate goodbyes....I throw things away that remind me of people I've lost...I like to put things behind me & move on...should I tell him if he ever thinks he is happy about marriage...maybe he can contact me again?..what would be the right thing to do,in your opinion
Good for the counselor & I agree with them, its best to wait & see in months to come how everyone is feeling about themselves rather than do something premature or stupid in the long haul. Choose wisely, its hard enough being married let alone having to constantly fill a bottomless PIT that did more damage to me emotionally then the actual terrible act from this person I married & I always leave doors open a crack w/people cause one is not god to know whats really going to happen later on down the road huh.
I know your tired already, get some rest & think on things, keep talking only when you want to.
April
Guess its over...I sent the ring back to him...He only called once in 2 weeks(he said he was scared to) after counselor told me not to marry him. He went to counselor last week...I called to find out..the counselor said hed talk to me about it in my session mon....I'll go cause I need closure. When I sent ring back...I put a note in saying I'm leaving you to God,he will deal with you. He e-mailed me & said,"I will remain single & try not to sin..even though we all do..but the sin I commited with you couldnt match anything I'll ever do...so I know God will deal with me severely...I still love you".......... also another e-mail said..I was better without him,& he admitted he was a negative person....He's just all messed up...insead of feeling angry at him...(&I want to but when I start to get angry..I feel sorry that he wants to remain in his sad pathetic lonely negative life.. hes just accepting thats thee way he is instead of trying..maybe this will help him see that...but I think he just dont want to change...he told the counselor he was in a comfort zone(more like the twilight zoe.lol)!Maybe the counselor will help him..my son said he was damaged goods....so true....but I'm moving on ..I'm a positive person....I feel empathy for him..& yes Ive wasted 1 year 1/2 of my life..but not the rest of it....& maybe its not wasted if it taught him a lesson...or eventually might sink in...dont know....so how are you April?
Its my birthday...all alone...stuck in house with an allergic rash......boo-hoo....but I'm gonna watch movies,eat popcorn & pretend I'm at the movies(lol)...just wanted a few emotional hugs from ya all (lol)..so this is 2 weeks after I havent seen negative whats his face..&Im still here.....& on a lot of single dating sites...since I cant get out.....anyone know of any good ones or have any advice ? I think I'll always meet people at a public place with friends ...sound like a good idea? I'll take all the suggestions I can get...thanks!
whoops...I signed my name charms1 last post instead of karma1 last post...but it was me...(lol)
Happy Birthday & I too have spent many of them alone unless going to dinner w/my 18yr. old, so I know the feeling, it gets better w/time though.
I use to care & then pity set in etc, etc. again its a series of processes one has to attempt to deal with & meet head on with themselves. I just focused on myself &family not the other person after alot of soul searching so please be careful with what your seeking unless it really helps you. I wouldnt even read the emails for it sounds like alot of back-n-forth (right fighters) that leads nowhere.......
Good for you w/online dating, I dont know anything about it, maybe somewhere down the road I might if my p/c doesnt take a poo, its been down a couple of days now, oh well... the world did not stop turning HA.
Keep talking women, only when you feel like it.
April
April...I put a message on your profile page..karma1...chill!