Karma, I am going through the same situation but way behind you. It's so hard to deal with this instability. From an objective point of view, the answer seems so clear, LEAVE HIM. Easier said than done. As much as I just want to give up, there's something holding me there. I've gotten to the point I don't want to talk to my friends about it because they are tired of hearing the same story month after month. I really truly don't know what to do. Seeing as how you went through it, have any advice? I don't want to leave him to get a reaction or force him to do something because of me. I want to leave him when I've had enough and there are no longer any good reasons to try and make it work. There are so many wonderful things about this person, and I suppose I'm just trying to figure him out. I constantly ask myself, is it me? Or is it him? And I hate labeling people with 'disorders' and 'phobias', but this truly feels like commitment phobia. It's gotten to the point I know when he'll freak out and push me away. It's become a routine of ours. As patient as I am, my feelings are only growing stronger which is scaring me. I'm almost angry with myself because from an outsider's point of view, I'm being weak and losing self respect. At the same time, nobody knows the relationship more than the two involved, so I try to maintain some perspective. I'm not allowing my pride or fear to dictate my relationship but at the same time, life is short and I won't compromise the things I want in life. It's just so frustrating and we are in no place for me to even suggest counseling, I wouldn't want to offend him. It feels as if we make slight progess then bam, we go back to square one. We have a great time when we are together which makes this decision so difficult. So if anyone has any suggestions or advice, I'd appreciate it.
July-
I am in the VERY same situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I have two children that he has taken on and loves like his own. Our relationship has always had struggles, he was the first to say I love you, first to talk of marriage, he used to tell me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and have children with me. The trouble all began once I reciprocated those feelings. I thought we were finally moving forward and had reached a milestone in our relationship last year when we began to look for a house to move into together. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time and felt like we were finally moving forward, until he told me via email at that last minute that he didn't think living together was a good idea. At that point I had reached the end of my rope, I broke up with him and after a couple months started dating again. He found out that I was seeing other people and suddenly the emotion came to the surface, he begged for another chance admitted he was wrong, even went to my dad and apologized for hurting my kids and I, asked for his forgiveness and the opportunity to make things right with me. He got counseling, went on antidepressants and we expereinced the best few months of our relationship, ever. But that was short lived, within a few short months we were back in the depths of commitment phobia. He withdrew, he put other people ahead of me and we bagan to fight constantly. The final straw was this past weekend when we had planned a trip together and he decided to leave a few days earlier, I was not able to get out of work on such short notice and he left without me. He then made me out to be crazy because I was so upset.
I ended the relationship, told him that I have to protect myself from the continual pain he causes me. The problem is, I am so deeply in love with this man that I can't give up on him. I have no doubt that he loves me, he's just not capable of loving me completely and totally. I know that with therapy we can work on this issue, and overcome it, but he refuses to do that. So I am backed into a corner, I have to make the choice to leave the man I love because he cannot love me back, or stay in a realtionship that makes me unhappy. It's not an easy choice, but I know the only way a commitment phobe can change is by seeking therapy and being willing to work to overcome the phobic tendancies.
Hey Dawns,
Yeah, seems like such a strange phobia to have, huh? Why wouldn’t anyone want to be in love? Who knows. Everyone has a past, and perhaps there was something going on with him that led him to fear a commitment? I can’t figure anything out with any of the men in my life right now. They are all confusing me. I’vd decided since most of this stuff is out of my control, I am going to take care of me, focus on myself, and hopefully everything else will fall into place. I am not making any rash decisions, just simply playing it by ear and not making any man my focal point. It’s been pretty helpful. I can’t spend so much time trying to figure something out when it’s not my doing for why it’s confusing! Let me know how you’re doing.
I loved your story, you describe it so well & yet am saddened at the same time. People dont always realize relationships have to be managed, nurtured & it takes two inorder to keep it ALIVE. I've seen in divorce offices (with a picture of the sinking Titanic SHIP) that it takes as long to repair a relationship as it TOOK to RUN it off course or more time, some people just dont want to take that time & want a quick fix. It is ashame that attorneys/mediators/therpists WIN cause others will not take the time to learn within themselves.
I am sure I have fallen in love with a passive aggressive man. I have researched the personality disorder and its not an easy thing to deal with.The symptoms are that they are afraid of emotional and physical connections. They can be really sweet and then all of sudden hateful and mean. They are very manipulative. I don't know what to do any more accept I need support to help me refocus on myself.
I have one word to say to charms1.....RUN! Honey, I have been with the 50+yr old version of your b/f for 8 1/2 yrs. Both of us have been married before (him twice, me once). We were the "happiest" couple for 5+ years, got engaged, started a bank account, planning a long distance wedding complete with books and web sites we both poured over, wedding rings bought and paid for, and waiting for the kid he was raising (who was severely enabled by Dad and couldn't stand me) to turn 18. Meanwhile,I heard all the "right" things and wonderful romantic, adoring promises and loving treatment. Fairytale right? WRONG! The kid is almost 21 and the adoring man is now finding everything wrong with me, breaks every promise, wedding date (ironically also in October) came and went, selling his house, came and went. Basically, every commitment and/or deadline, came and went. Went to relationship counseling (his request)...he didn't like what she had to say either. We then went separately as you are doing. I was discharged. He continued and then began to make promises and set goals with counselor...those came and went too. Funny, but I noticed in this "pattern" that every time we had vacation or "romantic getaway" plans, there was always a big blow out prior to going. My guess now is time alone meant plenty of time to discuss our future and plans and he couldn't "run" away. He went from constantly making plans for our future and moving in prior to the wedding, to arguments and long periods where I wouldn't hear from him. Took me a little time to realize the kid was just his excuse for not commiting to any future plans. When his son was younger,I was understanding, now he's an adult he can't hide behind that as his reason anymore. Ironically, we have a wonderful time together and so much fun when we do anything...as long as I don't mention ANY subject that sparks conversation about anything in the future. So take the counselor's advice and DON'T marry him. The signs are there and it won't change once you do. Remember, this is caused by his past trauma's, not yours. Until he resolves his issues, he can't move ahead as you want hime to. Relationships are made to move forward....not stay the same or move backwards. Unless you are content to just date him, not bring up any subjects that make reference to the marriage, and ANY kind of future....then stay with him. It is extremely difficult to do so. My other guess is this is not the first "I need more time" conversation you'll be having. Or "I can't commit because of (fill in the blank with a reason)" I heard it minimum twice a year once we got to the "move ahead" point in our relationship. I, like you, am brokenhearted.....but if you stay, there will just be more salt poured into that wound. It just doesn't seem like he has a strong commitment to change himself either. On top of it,mine has additional anxiety based issues...unlikely all that's going to change anytime soon,. So take a good look at how you want your future happiness and life to be and if you can live with the problems you have now forever, then stay with this man. Commitment phobic people do not change until they tackle the issues that are behind what caused it.
No one should get married to a unsecure person. You may call it a phobia but he is insecure, and that may lead to physical violence, verbal abuse, and even fatality, or should I say it's gonna get real ugly. On top of all that your gonna give him a feeling of entitlement to control your decision making, and your comings and goings. ''You have been warned'' don't do it.
No, the first marriage was all of the above, made the promise wouldn’t be doing that again…I’m also in a situation (professional, self sufficient and supporting) that I don’t have to marry anyone for any other reason except love. I was advising an earlier post about her situation with my own experience. But appreciate the “warning”, always helps to hear from others as an objective source
So funny accidentally came upon this thread years later, just wondering Karma1 did you marry the commitment phobe or run? If you went back for more (I did one last time), did things change? 6 years later and single without anyone in my life gives you time to reflect back on why you choose the people you do and NOT to repeat the bad choices and patterns. You will also be well aware of "danger signals" going forward and at that time have the options to proceed or not knowing that MOST people do not change who/what they are