Have you ever had the day when you woke up feeling you would beat ED and stop letting it rule your life and that same day, after eating normal and healthy your ED voice starts yelling ad telling you you ate too much??? I woke up great this morning and I had every meal and the right amount of calories(since I can't stop counting them I'm obsessed!) and then all the sudden I feel guilty and fat and bloated and I want to purge and cry. I hate this emotional roller coaster- not just that but the sudden random infrequent decisions that flip 180 degrees atleast 10 times a day.
I'm having more days -or moments for that matter-in which I feel good and want to get better recently. I think that is due to the fact I haven't weighed myself in a fewdays since my parents are home and couldn't get away with it. Every time I think about getting back on the scale I shudder because I think I've gained like 10 pounds with all the recent binging I have been doing. It's repulsive and embarrassing and I don't even like it but I can't stop once I started and what's the point after ruining your calories for the day... I know I will go strictly on restrict mode once I see my scale number again... I'm scared.
This is all so repetitive and I'm tired of dealing with it. I just want o be happy and healthy yet at the same time I want to be thin and beautiful and in a sick way so much not thin than any one I know so people will be amazed or maybe even conceded because I'm so thin. What is wrong with me? No one should deal with this or think this way! It's horrible! I'm sorry I'm ranting but I have no other outlet right now and I just can't wrap my head around what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. Maybe you guys understand this confusing half way emotions with ED? I feel as though I am crazy, which I probably am...
I just want to get help and can't wait to go back to school so I can talk to a psychologist cause I am sick of this. Have any of you felt this way before? I just like order... It's so easy when your either recovered and with one state of mind or completely involved in your ED so there is no flip flops of emotion or want to do something! Recovery sucks! It's so hard how do I deal with this day by day? Any suggestions?
OMG. whoever you are i've been going through the exact same thing!! exactly 100% the same..i cant even explain i feel the same way right now! yesterday i went on a huge binged after a week of eating healthy and great excersize..and now i feel disgusting and i dont even know what to do all i can think about is how much i ate and how much i cant wait to not eat again for days until im thin again..i have to see my friends and my boyfriend todayy and i have to cancel because i look disgusting and this ED has even made me miss out on soo many oppurtniites ! i know exactly how you feel and im going through the exact same thing..im sooo shocked than someone iss like me because i thought i was the only person who goes through this crazzyyy time!..
Allee...you are not crazy, but the eating disorder can cause you to do some irrational things, and to believe you are crazy. Please get help NOW. Don't wait. It will only make things worse and harder for you to recover. Take care...Jan ♥
Allee,
This is the ED speaking not you...you are not crazy at all. But i would say you definitely need help now, don't deny this for yourself...eating disorders can have extreme long term effects especially when it comes to a woman's fertility.
ED's are very complex and distructive, it's not your fault you feel this way, you just to engage a port to battle your way out.
My advice is not to make the decision to - go into starvation mode and "tackle it that way"...that is the slippery slope of the ED and it is only fueling the fire furthur.
The most powerful decision you can make is to say hey I am go and get help for this, because I deserve to live a life ED free.
We are all behind you hun, and understand your troubles. Keep coming back for support.
Try to de-stress and take back your control.
Thinking of you
Your friend
Moongal x
When I started losing weight, I enjoyed all the attention and praise I received. I also found myself in a new job with greater responsibility. I had a great fear of failure, and I worried because everyone seemed to expect more from me than I felt I had to give. I asked for help. I did not receive any. More and more was demanded of me. And I crumbled. I, too, sought to lose more weight. Part of it was my desire to keep the comforting behaviors going. But a big part of it was my desire to look sick. Which is horrible... I just felt like no one was listening to me! Asking for help was a REALLY big deal for me... To have my request ignored... Ouch! I had to speak louder, but I didn't feel I COULD. So... I starved. I let my body SHOW them what they could not hear... 'Help me!' My body screamed for help! 'Look at me! I am not as strong as you think I am! Somebody protect me! Take care of me! Rescue me!' I needed LOVE... More than anything... The trouble is... Starving brings LOTS of things... But seldom does it bring what we WANT... Ultimately, my health suffered... My job performance suffered. Responsibilities were removed, and respect was lost. I received pity instead of praise. People DID notice I was sick and needed help. But no one knew how to do so. And by that point, I was truly stuck.
Please keep trying... The ED is feeling threatened right now, so it's clinging on, telling you all sorts of lies. You're also scared to let it go, as much as you want to... I get it... But and eating disorder will never bring you what you want... It will only ever bring pain and suffering. PLEASE seek help... You CAN recover! You are worth the fight! ♥
Love,
Jen
I know I know I need help... I wanted help but no one gave it to me. I talked to my boyfriend last night about how I feel like crap and just fat and disguisting. He triedto make me feel better, he always does. But it's not the same as getting treatment because I still want to starve and be skinny . Even though I know he loves me and so do many others, ED doesn't care and I know. I know I am happy with out ED, but I still want it. My security blanket...
Allee,
There's no real security with Ed... There just can't be security with something that is working to destroy you... :0/ You're right; your boyfriend's love is important, but you do need treatment... :) I know you asked before... Are you ready to ask again? Tell them what you NEED. :) You're not asking for their opinion, you're asking for their help. Be specific. Be clear. Show them how you need them to help. ♥
Love to you!
Jen
This is my every day. I've got a bunch of health issues caused by this. I got so bad that my friends forced me to go to the doctor... I always knew it was me and that I could stop it.
She told me to start looking at food positively and try to eat and enjoy healthy meals... which is just a fancy way of crash dieting. I just can't see food as good. I see it as guilt, as pounds, as extra "squish" and as that ever receding boundary between just thin enough and who I am. Food WEIGHS ME DOWN. How can I make it into something uplifting?
I am going through the horrible cycle also it suck im happy then sad out of the blue! One day i feel pretty or skinny the next im depressed and look like a huge fatty in the mirror. ive never been able to see myself the way i look since i had an eating disorder, and it makes me so angry cause it never leaves even when you change your eating habits. I began vegetarian because i thought it would help but that wasn't good enough then I became vegan and started to eat way under the calorie intake I needed. It was like the voice in my head was finding ways around to start me back up on anorexia. so now i eat meat cause I knew I needed a break from being vegan it was dictating my mind. Im thinking about starting it again just because I liked the control. I even stand sideways against my shower where there is tile and measure how thick i am because the mirror only tells lies. I hate how im possessed by these thoughts and no one understands.
Hey,
I wrote this a while back. I still get the sensations you are talking about. The days where you think you are thin and the days you think you are not. But if you stick with it, continue to fight against that voice it shuts up. I have few days where i feel I am fat, but not one of those days make me feel less pretty. There are days I wonder what would it be like to go back to my anorexic ways- if they would be as “glorious” as I had remembered in a way. But honestly, take a look back at your time when you were at your sickest. You cant say you were happy or that you lived your life. I remember that everyday. And everyday I live a little bit more and more.
In your case, I would not go back to vegetarianism. That was were my eating disorder started and it sounds like yours started there too. Dont give your eating disorder the satisfaction of even a little control. YOU are in control! Remember that. YOU are beautiful.
Stay safe,
allee
Allee, you are not alone! Recovering from ED is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. And I'm still recovering. For me, working out and not eating became almost a kind of drug for me. I would get all shaky and anxious if I didn't work out. You have to take each day one day at a time. You might check out some of the advice at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-eda. I used a lot of the advice there when I was recovering (and still do today). Good luck to you! I'll keep you in my thoughts.