The one thing I didn't want to do was get so upset I'd run to alcohol but that's exactly what I did and I feel like the biggest failure. I knew not to do it. I knew as I was doing it not to do it. But I was so devastated I chose not to care. Waking up this morning I have to admit I feel worse than I ever have after drinking. Not hangover worse (feel A-OK in that regard). Emotionally I feel terrible. My heart aches over losing my baby girl. It aches in ways I didn't know the heart could ache. Why did I have to do the one thing I so desperately didn't want to do??? I feel like a complete jackass!! Monday can't come soon enough! I am so looking forward to getting started with this program and make MUCH healthier life choices. I decided to stay home today because let's face it I wouldn't get a **** thing accomplished at work anyway. Good news is I have an appt with my therapist so that'll be good. I can go sit with her for an hour and rip into myself over caving last night. I swear I can't wait for the day where I'm not crying over what stupid decisions I'm making. After last Saturdays binge episode I said that was it. NO MORE!!! And I believed it would be NO MORE but I was faced with something that weighed entirely way too much on my heart and now I feel weaker than ever for having ran straight to the devil for help. I lost a part of my family and that's extremely heart wrenching but it's still no excuse to cave. Lord please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whoa right there d my dearest gf.....you must stop being so hard on yourself hun. do you know how many times i have said in the drinking days, thats it no more....thousands hun. its yet another new day and so lets start again, i'm here for ya as we all. i looked first hing this morning for a post from you somewhere as i kept looking all night to for an update as i knew you were in such pain and distress. i'm glad to hear from you and i'm sorry you felt you've let yourself down. i'm still your cheerleader over hear as i have grown quite fond of you hun. so good your heading to your therapist today. mine has been a lifesaver.....i'm here for ya hun, so please keep posting your little heart out and we'll do all we can to help and support you. you have alot on your plate right now, be kind to your self (easy said than done i know) please d gf....let me know what i can do for you hun, to help! much love to you gf
and let me pass on my very most heartfelt deepest sympathies for your loss, i'm here if you'd like to talk about it......
Thank you SO much! I read your response and the tears just kept dropping. I can't express enough how much it means to me to have this kind of support. No one is EVER harder on me than I am on myself. I will ALWAYS own up and take responsibility for my mistakes. But I do tend to beat the hell out of myself when I mess up. We're human and I know it happens but I NEVER take it lightly especially when it comes to bringing my misery into other peoples lives. Of course I woke up and after reading thru a bit of my prayer book I scrolled thru my phone to see if I called or text anyone. Checked my email. What a pathetic feeling it is when you have to do all that to try and remember what the hell happened and if I yet again embarrassed myself by lashing out like a asshole. Me sober and me blacked out drunk is like night and day. Two totally different people. One I love one I hate. Whatever happened to a happy medium?? I suppose we can't expect "in between" when we're under the influence of whatever is it we're doing to ourselves whether it be drinking or drugs. Thank god I haven't run back to cocaine though. I do have that to be proud of, however, I've been tempted A LOT lately.
I have to remind myself that I'm just now getting REAL help starting Monday. It's truly going to be a new beginning. I'm angry with myself from last night but I'm going to try and not kick the **** out of me anymore than I already have.
And thank you for your condolences. It's going to be a VERY hard few days adjusting to life without her.
i to was a black out drinker and i know the feeling of coming to....from the night b4....not good, so take care of that i jusy did it again and again creating more chaos and insanity in my wake. and ah yup no medium for booze or drugs there is no oh i'll have just one NOT! and yes i'm also glad you have not grabbed the coke...i went that route to so pat on the back for not going there. i hope that you keep us in your tool box of REAL help, would hate to loose you as you are quite the valuable addition to the group and look forward to traveling your road on recovery with you. oh and yes hun, the days will be very difficult without your baby and i'm here if you need to talk about it. do you have plans for this weekend?
Oh this site isn't going to get rid of me that easily haha!
I'm finding it quite helpful. I feared pouring myself out to strangers but I must admit it's actually been much better than I thought it would be. It's nice to be somewhere and let it all out in a place where so many others are doing the same. There's no judgement placed on any of us. We vent, we grieve, we support, we're all here for the same reason. In a way it's also nice to discuss my issues with anyone but a face to face friend, if that makes sense. I have fantastic friends who have stood by me no matter what and I love each and every one of them but sometimes it's heavy on my heart to have to look at them and share my mistakes. Even though they've been great about everything it's still a lot because I know to some degree they have to be somewhat disappointed when I mess up. And it's very painful when I've had to look any of them in the eye to apologize for something I said the night before.
Now I'm just rambling! I appreciate you being there especially if I need to talk about Piper. That's a topic I think I'm going to hold off discussing for a while. My appt to see my therapist is at 3 so I'm sure she'll have me crying it out the entire hour.
This weekend? Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Do my best to grieve my baby so come Monday I'll have my "hard hat" on to start kicking this disease's ***!! I'm determined to win this fight! For myself, my family, my friends, my baby girl, and for everyone I've had the pleasure of speaking with on this site. We can all win!!
isnt’t this place wonderful…i just found in in january and it helped pull me out of the pit of hell that had been my life the last year (death and illness). and being house bound and not being out in the world this has been wonderful for me. i’m sure glad you found it to. do you see your therapist weekly, monthly? that was when i really dug in to the issues in my life when i started with a therapist. well hun lets hope whatever you decide to do this weekend you enjoy and don’t make any unwise choices. we’ll be here when ya need to yap…let me ask you…do you mind that i call you d gf? i think its kinda cool. yap at ya later hun
No I don't mind my nickname I've inherited :)
I see my therapist weekly. I've been seeing her off and on for 9 years and she's fantastic! She goes above and beyond for me which has been a gift. She's very easy to talk to. Almostt like chatting with a normal friend (only a friend with a degree!).
Do you mind if I ask why you were house bound?
hey d gf (glad you don’t mind i think its just cool)…my therapist i’ve been seeing 6 yrs and is also the above and beyond type. love her so much.
i have nerve damage in my tailbone,groin,anus and legs and have spent the better part of the year 99% of it in bed or on the couch. pain like i have never experienced. i can’t sit but only a few minutes kinda off to one side twisted up. its a mess. in order to get to the doc i have to lay in the backseat of the car and when i get there lay in the waiting room…it’s been a year of major adjustment and 7 different docs. waiting on surgery for nuerostimulator implant (terrified of that) mom committed suicide and daddy died this all happened withine a 2 month period so it’s really been tough. the toughest year i have lived yet.
enough about me (feel free to ask anything you’d like) how did your meeting go with your therapist? any help? anything i can do hun just let me know.
WOW my goodness I'm terribly sorry to hear what you've been thru. It's when I hear someones story like that I'm left feeling like to a total douche for complaining about my "little" issues. I'm so glad you found this site and it's been helpful for you. I can't imagine which direction my life would have gone had this happened to me. You're obviously a very strong woman and this site is lucky to have you.
Thereapy was fine. Cried like I knew I would. Basically spoke about my dog and about Thursday nights episode.
I got a chance to chat for a few min with the woman I've told you about last night. It went better than I thought it would. She expressed her feelings and for once I truly listened to them and stop making it all about me. By the end of the small talk I decided I needed to let her go to find her happiness. It hurts. Hurts like hell to be honest but it's the best thing I could have done for her especially after realizing the pressure I did put on her. If you really love someone you set them free is what they say and for the first time in my 30 years on earth I'm doing just that. Even though it does hurt like hell it is gratifying to know I love someone enough to do such a thing. But I won't lie...I miss her so very much and probably will for quite sometime.
hey d gf your issues are not small nor or mine they are just different but just as traumatizing. so no apologies needed. it was by my husbands suggestion that i look for an online support group to find people like me (chronic pain) that know what it feels like. the family and friends are wonderful but don't know what its like. just like us d gf unless your an alcoholic you really don't know what it's like. so that's how i landed here and was helped so much and still am and try to give back as that is one of the things in program you learn, when in pain reach out and help someone else, gets your mind off yourself. thanks for saying that the site is lucky to have me so kind aahh sniff sniff...but the reverse is true and if i can help someone else with my experience and ramblings all the better.
is not therapy a god send? i did'nt start going to therapy until i was 45 yrs old...so i'm very happy to hear at your ripe young age your going and digging in to get your recovery going in a positive direction.
letting go of the woman in question is best for you to right now hun, you got to much going on .....now if my daughter and her girlfriend would go the direction your going...they are back and forth and know that they are'nt good for each other right now and then back they are....this has been going of for over a month and they are just gonna have to do what they have to do to get where they need to be.
of course you will miss her hun, our feelings don't have a shut off valve and your gonna go thru the process and we'll be here for all all the way. thats what friends are for!