Completly lost need advice help and a bright spot

Mental Health Bipolar Disorder
1

Im posting a lot here, im sorry. Mostly ranting to get it out!!!!

Im slipping down a hole. I want to be me. No pills, No BS from inside.

I have Ex wife issue major. Soon To Be wife Issues ive created, Kid issues, Drug issues, Dealing with GF and her ED, Im gonna rant about all of this, im sorry for it all but i got to get it out, Im getting deeper in despair about it all. I kept all my crap inside for 16 years with the ex, it almost killed me. I do now know it has to come out. I used to talk to my best friend, "now Soon To Be" but ive betrayed her in so many ways i dont think she is willing to trust her friend anymore. She loves me, this i know. I love her like i never knew existed. Another fact. Im gonna try to explain it all, some will get incoherent. sorry, im not the best wordsmith.

1. anger/rage. lots of it! mostly at myslef. I have hated my ex for a long time, wasnt very in love when I said i do. got worse for years. 4 kids later, shes with my former best friend from kindergarden. All she wants is money now, I am unemployed, borrow every dime i can. give to her. bad cycle. I am a convicted felon, No drivers license right now, having a real issue finding something that will pay her the 250 a week, and support my new family.

2. same as before. I take all my anger out on my GF. I cant control it often enuff. I have Hit her. Hurt her badly. I caused pain inside her, I cant hardly live with the grief. I love her like nothing i thought possible. "movie" like love. I feel her, finish thoughts, sentences, and so on. She loves me, but i dont think i deserve it.

3. Bi polar. Im falling into a depression i cant seem to escape. No insurance, local clinic refers me out, 4 month wait lists for help there. I cant stop ruining my life in that time.

4. RX pills. Vicotin,percoset. I know its not a need, its a want, an escape. Withdarwls hurt, i hate the lethargic feeling. I can make myself do stuff. but me and her hate the laying around, no energy. I want to, but cant seem to get over the hill.

5. new drugs. 2 weeks ago, i found meth, it helped with the lack of energy. stabilized my mood. but i hate myself even more for it. it angers me, at me.
cocaine. this week found that, not as good as meth but similar effect. I feel trapped. downward spiral going straight to hell, i lost a sister this way. Loosing another as i type. Now myself.

6. my kids hate me. I havent seen them much due to ex being a nut job. bad stuff happens to me and GF every time we have them. She cant take the chaos of 7 kids. Neither can I. I betrayed them. it hurts.

7. More anger\rage. I hate me! I cant fix my fuckups. She hurts, talks to me about it, i get mad at myself. I get pissed. = loose control!!!!

Im on a hamster wheel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. I know who i can be, who i am, im burried under all this. cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

She says she dosent think I love her. I dont blame her. She has stopped letting me in. My sister went nuts this weekend. my gf was used for money, food, clothes, etc. My sisters pattern for years with ppl. Big fight!!! Sister, 15 y.o. niece, me, girlfriend. 18 year old live in boy with my niece. Sister wont put her foot down! so we did. Now its a "f you guys you dont love us" but can we have the money, clothes, etc you were gonna help us with. USERS!!!! GF lost it last nite on the phone with them. I was trying to help her, she wouldnt let me, said i was fake and using her too. That is my fault. How can i get help. with me. I try to show her, she resists, i loose hope, get angry, loose it all over again. this downward spiral is killing her, and me. I dont blame her for any of it. She things im fake, compassionless, and only showed her what i wanted her to see for 6 months when we first met. I was high on a new relationship at that time, recent loss of ex,kids, business..... along with new love. how do i prove to her this aint me. i konw its not. she dosent believe me. says she loves me, i dont think she is in love with me anymore. I got to fix this.

Im tired of running in circles. I just want to support my family, love them, care for them, and know they love me. I know i cant flip a switch and fix it, im trying to work on me. but i cant find anyone local to help me, and i cant do this alone anymore.

2

Take a deep breath. So, what do you want to do first?

3

fix my relationship, the strenght i get from knowing we are strong, is amazing. Which means fixing my anger. hence problem getting counceling> FRUSTRAITING

4

Hey man I'm sorry to hear all of those things. It pains me to know that life could be so hard for one man. I have my problems with cocaine and sex but they are not in the company of all of your complications. I don't know where you're located but maybe you could try that service "Ready Willing & Able". I believe they employ those who have a hard time finding work in a unique situation like yours. You have to get clean though man because it will definitely make the biggest difference. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you should start with some sucking or something FAST. Also, you may want to start stretching if not exercising. Don't push your body to somewhere it's not willing to go (similar to drug use). They way you get rid of anger is understanding. You have to have a different viewpoint on a problem you usually get hot-headed about. MEDITATE. PRAY (to the Almighty, it doesn't have to be the traditional Christian god). TAKE MANY DEEP BREATHS. Start the mornings off with stretching and deep breathing instead of pills, angry phone calls and borrowing money. Shut your phone off. Don't give in to the madness and the anger, it is the dark side. I feel for you man and all those mouths you have to feed and how bad you want to. At least you have the internet. Read, alone, behind a closed door. The answers will come but you have to avoid the habit of creating havoc. Walk with your GF. Try to think of why your wife only wants money now and is dating someone you considered a friend once. Join a community outreach program to make some contacts man. Even if its not your scene if you tell people a little bit about your trouble in an atmosphere like that someone may extend a hand. That hand may have cash in it. Save any money you get. Don't tell anyone. You can get through this. If the people around you are users get far away. It sounds like you're in a situation where you can't really fade out or become distant, so re-evaluate who you spend your time with and why man. Please, for the sake of all those beautiful kids you got. I'm young man and though the world is a crazy place right now I may actually want to have some little me's running around. I definitely have to get my **** together before that. I hope for you those same kids inspire you to get your act together. Just take the "I hate you Dad" and turn it into a silent "I'll make it up to you". Do that for yourself, and don't tell anyone or brag about it. Hope everything works out. You're in my prayers.

5

thanks for the words, I cant seem to do it. I cant seem to see anything but pain. If not one thing another. Frustration at being a piece of ****. I think im going crazy. I hate the pills, i am in process of quitting. I need to find a bright spot, but Ive done to much to her now. I dont think I deserve it. I have been focusing on possitive thinking. It now takes me 20 minutes to get out of bed, I wont get up till i find a good one. No matter how hard i try, i **** it up every time.

6

today I cleaned my gutters for the first time in a while and when I was reading a book afterward tears came to my eyes. You need to find at least one thing where you can be like "good thing I did that today". If it's assisting someone, even better. You can make it out of bed earlier to jog if you really wanted to man. Shave more. Or grow your hair long if you want to. You have to have something that is just yours. And dude, READ. IT HELPS ANY SORT OF DEPRESSION AND STAGNATION.

7

Married 19yrs. my husband is bipolar/schzoid,bpd, alcohol dependant, the list is endless & yes he would take most of what was going on inside of himself out on me or co-workers, family members, an animal, anything anyone, so I admire you for trying to help yourself & being aware of what your doing or trying to accomplish, try to stay focused, my experience in living w/ someone w/these disorders & seeing it being very difficult to focus or the opposite "hyper-focused". Take care of you.....

April

8

hi

words are often too much or too little in these type of situations,

u have proved u can beat addictions but have u tried to be kind and cut the poor guy whos standing in your shoes some slack?

sometimes its ok to tell yourself u are doing a good job but u will improve as opposed to all the things u are not doing and focusing on.

so

loving thoughts and positive vibes

9

Please dont give up, i am praying for you

10

I have been reading your posts and I will tell you what happened to me. I went off meds and went into full blown mania with psychotic dillusions and anxiey. I fortunately went into psychiatric hospital. They balanced my meds while I was in there. It was easier for that to happen because they could see how I was reacting to my world. I didn't like a lot of things about the hospital like how uncaring they seemed. I now know they were trying to stay detached and observant. My psychiatrist was a **** and I figured out how to request a change of docs. The counseling that was offered daily was great and it really helped me. I found friends in there and I am glad I did it. Being locked into a place was scary. The people in there are unbalanced so you have to deal with that too. When I felt anxious in the psych ward I walked the halls to let off the steam until the meds kicked in. When I got out of control they would shoot me up with Ativan and that stuff cools you down immediately. I know it is hard to commit yourself to a psych ward but sometimes when your world is crashing down around you it is the safest and wisest thing to do.

11

the first thing is to breath! the second ting is to 1st, take care of you by finding all kinds of info to help you with work, medication. you are powerless over some of those situation that's going on. meditate, pray, and believe.

12

Spearsgirl, I admire you for doing your best w/yourself, so many times people are in denial or so far gone they cant think how to begin to manage themselves which has to be done all their life, so job well done & you can sure offer alot to thoses here searching for help/assistance/guidance/reassurance, please keep writing so others can read.

Take care of you

April

13

Thanks April. I did grow up in a home where my father was diagnosed as schizophrenic although he was probably bipolar...they just didn' have a drug for bipolar then. My Dad went off meds and had to go into psych ward twice. I did have the advantage of seeing how his behavior affected the whole family so that made me more concerned about how I treated my family. I am responsible for my behavior, peroid end of story. I have no right to go around unbalanced and expect the world to accept that. I am responsible to take my bipolar meds just as any other med. Sure there is a peroid of time the meds don't work just because it takes time to get the dosage and correct medication working properly. Patience is very important and counseling through this peroid of time is critical. I have/had relationships in my life that are not good for me. I had to take on each of these things one at a time.If everything is in such a mess you don't know where to turn, the psych hospital with their extended stay will give anyone that wants a new life tools to change. You have to really want it. Your family/friends can't fix your problems just as you can't fix theirs. We can support each other by being there to listen and let the person know we care, but if your mind is all messed up, go to professionals that have tons of experience in this field. If you don't like one doc get another till you find one you can work with.

14

My heart aches for you, and I am praying for you too.
Sometimes the only place we can go is up...and one step at a time.

Maybe take a look at this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-WwrL5jCSM&feature=related

Please keep posting!

15

Take a breath and step back. All you can do is take it one day at a time. You have to put in order what you want to do. No matter how big or small, if you have an idea of what you want you can make it happen. First this is to stop beating yourself up. Try and find the good parts of you and once you bring them to the front you will want to do better. I really hope you get over this and become the best you can be.

16

From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder