Confused on what to do

I just caught my husband answering a post on craigslist for a Hook up.... He basically replyed to the post, and they sent a reply to go to another site to view pics etc...and he wrote back "let's have some fun soon". The post wound up being a spammer anyway but he had no way of knowing that when he set out. He said he had no intention on doing anything (which I do not believe). And that he was curious...why he went there, and he was stupid for replying. He is begging me to forgive him, saying he will make it up to me for the rest of his life. He;d go to therapy....I don't believe him, I am a bit smarter than that. after all I caught him right. The problem for me is is that we were in a seemingly perfect relationship and this just blindsided me. If we had a rocky one , I'd more or less expect this crap.
Help

hi unsure

this is always a minefield, for anyone when things like this happen.

im not sure what he went looking for, is he at that age where he is feeling insecure about his life.?

or mayb he has heard about the site at work and just wanted to be in the know? i find that happens with my early twenties brats, they come home full of blah blah about this and that so i must admit there dad and i have a quick sneak peek later when they are gone, mind u it is a peek not a full blown follow thru.

communication is the key here i think for u, write a list of questions and in a calm tone and plenty of time voice the concerns u have

keep posting and chattin

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

I decided to try to forgive him and believe. But its hard. Because I think the intelligent side of me says there was more to this than he wants to admit - I think. Again , you can never be 100% sure as you can’t be inside someone else’s head. to be curious…I am sure a ton of people have done that…But like you said to follow thru is a totally different thing. I think I keep going back to “what would have happened if I didn’t catch that”. He got spoiled before he could’ve done anything - if that infact was the intention. He says he will spend the rest of his life proving to you that I will never hurt you again. He’s been crying everyday for a week and a half & I decided this weekend to forgive and try to get past it. My fear is that he gets comfortable and does something again to me at some point because ai let hom get away with it. I do know that if that were to happen - I will not forgive him again. He will torch the relationship. and up till now - the last 11 years have been great.
I don’t know if conseling would help or not from a trust stand point or would it be a waste of $$$$ ?
Thanks for the help.

Unsure, follow your gut instinct & what D said without any drama, deception does not belong in any relationship even though it exists in one form or another. Take care of you.

April

I decided to try to forgive him and believe. But its hard. Because I think the intelligent side of me says there was more to this than he wants to admit - I think. Again , you can never be 100% sure as you can't be inside someone else's head. to be curious...I am sure a ton of people have done that...But like you said to follow thru is a totally different thing. I think I keep going back to "what would have happened if I didn't catch that". He got spoiled before he could've done anything - if that infact was the intention. He says he will spend the rest of his life proving to you that I will never hurt you again. He's been crying everyday for a week and a half & I decided this weekend to forgive and try to get past it. My fear is that he gets comfortable and does something again to me at some point because ai let hom get away with it. I do know that if that were to happen - I will not forgive him again. He will torch the relationship. and up till now - the last 11 years have been great.
I don't know if conseling would help or not from a trust stand point or would it be a waste of $$$$ ?

True there is no crystal ball to future behavior, that would depend on ones patterns, characteristics, morales, values & about trust it takes as long as it takes. Counseling may help to figure out this has nothing to do with you or maybe it does. In my case it had nothing to do w/me but I had to learn things about myself too because I met & married this person & he to this day is in denial about himself but I know in my gut hes afraid of getting caught but not by me..... thats just my situation probably not yours. Keep talking to us, we care.

April

That is certainly the start of something, and probably an indication that it has been going on before you caught him. Likely that he already has hooked up with someone unfortunately.

I agree with peterc, If he was just nosing around, he wouldnt have replied. That is an action. It's one thing to think about something and another to act on it. There is a book I have read in the past called "his needs her needs" and it talks about the basic needs of men and women and how to fill them.
I went through a period of trust betrayalin my 10 year marriage as well. All the therapy in the world wont help unless it's a mutual thing.
I would post an ad on CL and see if he replies. But thats just me.

If I felt I had to post an ad on CL to 'catch' my partner, I'd already have my answer, and the marriage would be over. In my case, my husband had one transgression in May. He was immediately caught. I filed for divorce. The divorce was final in August. The swiftness of my reaction made his head spin. Suddenly he was thinking with his head, rather than his ****. I do not regret my decision to end the marriage. I refuse to live with having to monitor a grown man's actions, and I refuse to be treated with such utter disrespect.

Wow, we have a lot of similarities in our stories ... I too was blindsided by my husband after 11 years ... but only he was deep in the actions ... been seeing his old high school fling for over a year and a half.

It's HARD to try to trust again. I do warn you be sure you have forgiven him completely ... I thought I forgave my husband once and then I got worse and worse and realized I made that step way too soon. It does sound like your husband is truly sorry in the way you describe him ... or it makes him a really, really good actor ... I'm not speculating about your situation, just referencing my feelings on my own as well.

We were the "perfect couple" ... everyone wanted to be like us ... so was my husband a good actor then or a good actor now? In my mind, it could not have been the same person doing both of those actions ... it is too contradictory.

We are all here for you. No one can say whether he's done it before or not. I think you should follow your heart but take the time you need in order to forgive him and rebuild the trust.

Kat

Wow!! Sometimes think I am the only person in the world that this has happened to. My husband and I are the "perfect"couple that everyone wants to be like. I am always getting "you are so lucky to have such a great man," speech from all of my friends. I recently found out that my husband of 11 years has been secretly visiting gay websites. I confronted him about 2 months ago and thought that we were working on our marriage. Then, I find out he is still doing it. Right now, I am pretty sure that it has not progressed any further than the websites but how long do I allow this to go on before I say or do something?

I think he is just living a fantasy, at this point.

Of course he is minimizing the whole thing... maybe hoping and believing that this "close call" will deter him from further explorations. However, just like we become extra prudent after driving by a car accident only to resume our normal way of driving few miles later, he will almost surely go back to exploring. Eventually, I believe that when and if he has the opportunity to further any relationship with any real woman (e.g., at work, at the gym, etc), he would have little hesitation in bringing it to fruition.

I think this might be the indication of something deeper that he cannot address any other way in your relationship. You need to confront gently at first but strongly and get the two of you to a couple of therapy sessions to understand what is going on and how can you fix it.
THIS WILL NOT GO AWAY ON ITS OWN!!!

Hope this helps!!

Good luck!!

Again, be careful how much you want to know as it may be things that live with you (in your mind) for a lifetime, I'm not sure I can ever make that visual ever go away.

Therapy can be beneficial, one on one is best & it does take a while to get to the real issues driving whats behind the behavior/choices & usualy leads to past history, they one is raised, genetic links or traumatic experiences.. I find it interesting that appearances are deceiving forsure especially when a person puts their best foot forward for others to not really see who they are & I hope people keep talking about it so others will listen & learn.

All my strengths friend.

April

Manikens18: I may be crazy or cynical, but in my world straight men do not check out gay sites out of curiosity, as a result of trauma, due to stress, because they are mad at their wives, because of financial strain, or any other reason that could be listed. Attraction to men is attraction to men. Period.