I've been married for about 8 years now, my husband prior to us getting married he was addicted to drugs, during the 8 years have been a battle with that addiction, now I decided to separate back in early this year, but we only ended up doing it for two months, I felt bad and took him back, after I took him back I regret it. He's been clean from drugs for about 5 months now. But I just discover during the past 4 months that he has been going online and pay a membership to chat online with women, I think it's porno. I was able to retrieve a report of the website he goes to, and I realized everytime he has money he goes in and spend from 5dollars to 49.99 in tokens to chat with those women.
I have been monitoring this, and I confronted him once about it, and he denied it and we had a big argument 'cause he said I was accussing him and then on the next day, he admitted that he's been going online because since we got back together I don't give him much attention. My attitude has been different since I took him back even though he's not doing drugs no more, but I lived for 8 years with that drug addiction and now, is like he replaced that for the online sex thing. Should I feel guilty for this, I really gotten to the point where I don't feel like being close to him at all. I want to just let him leave his life, and get a divorce. After I confronted him and he admitted it, he promised he won't do it no more, after that another month has passed and he keeps going online and pays for whatever he does. Need some suggestions, does anyone think this is replacing the crack cocaine addiction? I'm opened to receive any opinion. Thanks
That is probably what it is. It's one thing that is not good for the next. I pray that he can get help so that both of you don't hurt any more. I wish there was some way for him to let go and use the money for something else for you. I can feel the hurt you are going through and it should not be. Is there anyone you can ask for support in getting him help? Do you have a church? I know that some people with drug habitss have a person they can call when the presure is to much or they are going to hit again. If you have someone in the community you can trust I would ask for help. Addiction of any kind is hurtful. I pray you find peace.
Hi lapua,
I would like to respectfully disagree with Wanting to get better. When there are multiple addictions, as there are in this case, and a sexual addiction is one of these addictions, the sexual addiction will ALWAYS be the primary addiction. That mean that it was there first. The other addictions, drugs in your case, were added into the mix later to help the addict deal with the shame caused by their sexual behaviors. There are several things you can do to help you deal with your situation.
First of all, you need to know that you are not alone. There are hundreds and hundreds of thousands of women (if not millions) who are in the same situation as you. But sexual addiction isn't talked about much, so you feel like you're all alone out there and isolated.
To get you started on a recovery program for yourself, I would suggest you begin by reading a couple of books that will address your situation:
"Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars", by Marsha Means.
"Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent Perspective", by Christine Adams. (Anyone in a relationship with an addict of any sort is, by definition, a codependent).
"Back From Betrayal: Recovering From His Affairs", by Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D.
"Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts", by Robert Weiss, Ph.D., Omar Minwalla, P.D., Sonia Rudie, Jennifer Schneider, M.D., Ph.D., Cara Tripodi, Mavis Humes Baird, Joe Kort, Barbara Levinson, and Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.
You might also benefit from reading a few books about codependency in general:
"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself", by Melody Beattie.
"Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency", by Melody Beattie.
"Codependency, Misunderstood-Mistreated", by Anne Wilson Schaef.
"Choice Making", by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
And there are several books you might want to take a look at that do a very good job of explaining exactly what sexual addiction is all about:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction", by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.
"Lonely All the Time: Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Sex Addiction for Addicts and Codependents", by Ralph Earle, Ph.D, Gregory Crow, Ph.D., and Kevin Osborn.
All of the above books can be ordered from: www.amazon.com.
Now the books will give you a good idea of what sexual addiction and sexual codependency are all about. Also, you'll have a good picture of the many aspects that are involved in recovery from either condition. Armed with this knowledge, you might then want to check out one or two of the Twelve Step programs that exist specifically for the spouses, partners, and family members of sex addicts:
S-Anon
(Sister group to Sexaholics Anonymous which is for the addicts).
www.sanon.org
Codependents of Sex Addicts (C.O.S.A.)
(Sister group to Sex Addicts Anonymous which is for the addicts).
www.cosa-recovery.org/
You can learn about each of the groups by visiting their websites. And when you are on each of the sites, look for something called the "Where and When" listing. This will be a catalogue of sorts that will list all of that particular fellowship's registered group meetings all across the U.S. and Canada. This listing will be indexed by state to make it easier for you to find a group meeting in your area.
If you find a group or two on either of the fellowship's listings that would be convenient for you to attend, I STRONGLY encourage you to drop in on a few of the meetings, if for no other reason than to see what they are like and what they have to offer. Ask yourself if a weekly group meeting such as this would be of any help to you in dealing with the issues you're now having with your husband. Weekly get togethers like these groups are a great way to get some local support from others who are dealing with the exact same issues as you. These groups are also a good place to make a few new friends.
If none of the meetings shown on either list will work for you due to time problems or group locations, then check out the telephone groups and online meetings. Information on both of these groups can be found on each of the websites. There are at least two or three meetings every day of the year somewhere, so you should be able to find a meeting that will work for you here.
Another option here is a different Twelve Step program, this one called Codependents Anonymous (www.codependents.org/). This group does not deal specifically with sexual codependency but rather with codependency in general, but sometimes that can be just as helpful. You will find a "Where and When" list on this group's website, as well as information concerning their telephone groups and online meetings.
Those are all of the suggestions I have for now so I'm going to go ahead and close. If you have any questions, or if I can be of any further service, please feel free to let me know. I'm always willing to help in any way I can.