Confused

Hello,

I am posting this, because, for me, this is a way to let things out, to open up, it has always been much easier for me to write things out, that actually speak them out, and at this moment, I can really use some wise advice.

I am a married mom of two baby girls, ages, 6months and 2years. I have been with my, now, husband for 9years, and married 7years, throughout the entire 9years, infidelity has been an issue on our relationship, and I cannot say I am the victim, because it has been from both sides.
My husband has cheated on me constantly throughout the whole time, two of which, he actually got caught. After the first incident, and couple more for which I only had suspicions, I cheated on him. When I look back on it, I did not set out to deliberately cheat on him, but, somehow i know, that subconciously, I did want to get back at him. He found out, about it, and just as with his infidelity, we moved on. I continued cheating on him, many more times, flings here and there. Somehow, things just got better and better between us, we decided to have a family, we planned our first baby, and my unmoral behavior stopped. Ever since, I have not cheated on him, and things have, or so I thought, been great, I had actually overcome the insecurity I felt, causig me to always wonder if he was still going behind my back, all that had become a thing of the past. Three years after our first baby, comes our second baby. During my pregnancy, July of last year, I begin having suspicons about him, I get the feeling that something was going on. I began going through his stuff, and indeed, he was once again cheating on me, with a coworker, whom months earlier, he had introduced my daughter and myself to. When I initially confronted him, he denied it, saying he would never again put his family in jeopardy, few weeks later, there was no more way of denying it, the evidence was there. Up to this date, those words are what hurt me the most, to think that he said he loved his family, and would not risk it for anything, and knowing that I was on his trail, he still continued, just tells me, or makes me feel, those words meant nothing, and he cares less for us, I also feel like he did not only cheat on me, but on our daughters. From that time, untill December, when our second daughter was born, our relationship was hell, at least for me, I did not have the glow in my eyes anymore, and I felt like crying constantly. Yet, I couldnt, I cant, and do not think I will ever, have the courage, the guts, to say no more, and so we stayed together, we took couples therapy, and from December till around April, things were getting somewhat better. I say somewhat, because, I was no longer constantly thinking of the incident, was able to have a conversation with him, and even a good time, I was smiling again. However, deep inside, I feel that my feelings for him have changed, I feel like I know the difference between love and being INlove. I decided to work things out with him, one last time, for the girls, and, his chronic, end stage, renal failure illness, also played a big role in my decision, although I know leaving him wont affect him healthwise, I cant but think, what if it does?
Around April, is when, I began chatting online, with other guys, and got back in touch, with the guy I first cheated on my husband with. Ever since, I have continued chatting, but has not gone past that, yet, but I have considered it, and the only reason I have not, is because of my daughters, I do not think, my husband has anything to do with me holding back from going any further, does this mean, I do not love him anymore? and if so, why cant I just let him go and move on? But if I did, I would not feel the need to talk to other guys? Do I love him, do I not? why do I miss him, when he is not there at nights? does he love me? he says he does, but sometimes I wonder, if it is just that we have become used to each other, or that he sees me as his support person? but why cant we just both let go and move on? sometimes, I feel I am just afraid to be alone, and just care to much about what everyone else will think. I feel so confused, and I hate myself for being this way, never knowing what I like or dont like, what I want or dont want. I think we have both done too much harm to each other, I do not think it is possible to go on...........................
sorry for babbling on, I just needed to let it out, one way or another, trying to make sense as much as possible, I think we both have issues, not being able to stay faithful to each other, but how do you fix something like that?

its true u can only hurt those u love because they are the only ones who are attuned to us in every way. to b cheated on while u were carrying his child probably made it ten times worse, i would hav taken the frying pan to my mans head, but that aside i think u need to keep a clear head for your own sake and the sake of your tiny daughters. this other man probably does make u feel good but as u hav already found out cheats never gain. if u are serious about the marriage then let the other man go why screww up five lives when u only hav to do four?
sit down and write a list of things that are good and bad and address them to the husband, from there u need to think about the innocent children who hav been ifnored in these childish games of tit for tat. and i think u will find a bash from the frying pan helps u stay faithful :)

i understand the hurt part of this message, totally. I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 11. We have 1 child between us, who is 16. 3 years ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker for about 3 months - he was close to leaving and setting up house with her and her son, who is the same age as our son. It was very hurtful as before then I had never thought to doubt him or his word. Since then it's not been the same, and I do doubt him and check his phone etc. Just 6months ago I found he was texting another co-worker and starting the same process. Then 2 days ago I found a list of women's names and physical descriptions in his suit pocket. I phoned the number that was on the sheet and it was a massage parlour. He says he hasn't 'been with' any of these women and was just curious, but I feel emotionally betrayed again. I don't know what to do and feel worthless and ugly and hated. I feel that he is just waiting for the perfect circumstances to leave, but lacks the courage at the moment - I want to feel that i have some power but don't know how.

im so sorry for u nicola p and welcome to our supportgroup.

im afraid its a hard one for u to get your head round, please believe me it is NOTHING to do with u. its not that u are worthless or ugly, its more about him and his need to mayb recapture his youth or even think he is like all the stars "a bird in the hand and one in the bush"

the trouble is because of the sense of betrayal and the previous experience in some ways u set yourself up to find out about the recent happenings by "snooping"

could i just ask u one question what would b the worse thing to happen if he went or u threw him out?

i normally say communicate calmly and dont throw things at each other that have past but i think u need more, for me most men ar curious and i dont think it goes any further i no most men dont set out to have an affaire just seem to fall into it as far as all my friends tell me and he doesnt sound like a player really,

at the end of the day hon keep posting about how u feel and im sure with the help of others in the group we will b able to help u

till then sending

positive vibes and loving thoughts

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and offer thoughts on my problem. It made me cry! I understand the points you make and it’s true I do go looking, due to lack of trust. I didn’t used to think like I do now. The problem is when I look i find things, which encourages me to think he is continually lying and deceiving me. I have no confidence and very low self esteem, and am terrified of changing things. Could I cope etc. I’ve asked him not to come home and he takes no notice of me. I don’t know how other women make their errant husbands leave. Maybe it shows what he thinks of me that he doesn’t listen to me when I say these things.
Appreciate the positive vibes and loving thoughts very much

oh dear nicola

u have reached rock bottom, i think most other women threaten with the police to remove the man or like last weekend when i was at my daughters her next door neighbour put his stuff on the kerb.

then proceeded to tell my daughter, myself why she had done the thing....basically he painted and helped out everyone else but not her, final straw her bathroom.

the trouble is when u look u trim things to fit the conception of what u are about to find, im not saying that u are wrong but prob not in any mood to listen to a genuine mishap if there is one.

but as too low self esteem and confidence it has been systematically robbed from u by this man.
with lots of willing help from u im sure inn the early days.

only u know what u want to do but for my two cents i would say hit the road jack and find some muscle to make sure he did.

having said that im a great believer in communication and that is scattered thru out any post i reply to.
therefore i really feel u owe it to yourself to calmly discuss it one more time

let us no how it goes gf

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

Hello ladies,

Domestic, it has been a while since I last logged in, a lot has happened since, yet, your post, really hit and addressed the problem right on the spot. You are totally right, two things that made this last infidelity much worst, first like you said, the fact taht I was pregnant at teh moment,and second, knowing exactly who this person is, since had introduced her to me and our oldest girl before. Reading your post, now, just brought things back. Like I said earlier, its been a while, since then, we have talked, adn I am startin to agree with you, conmmunicaton is important, adn, i know it is mainly me with the issue, we do have communication problems, but we are trying, well, he really is trying, he communictes alot more, and tries to help me open up and discuss the issues, he has realy improvd in tha sense, for me, it is still very hard to talk thngs out, so much tah i can say and think in myh head, but the words just wont come out, i m trying, ad although it makes me mad at times when he j=tries to hard to mke me tlk, i know it is important. I actually did just as you adviced, and "wrote" a list of things, the good things about him, myslef, our marriage, our whole time together, things we have gne through and ovecome, and also the bad, added, a list, of what is possibly out there for me if we were to split up, how i envision things would go, and believe it or not, chatting with all those guys, actually helped my list grow, on the positve things of staying together, made em realize, sure there are a lot of men out there, but marriage material men,not many, that, and also, thnkig on my daughters, i would not be able to carry a serious relationship with another man and bring him into our home, because they come first,and i have to watch out for them, frst a mother than a woman, for them, i know that much. that list and the feeling of loosing him, of my daughters loosin thei father, made me decide to stay togethr, give this another try, and hope that we both can stay faithful to each other, i do love him, and i know he loves me to, i thank you very much for your spport, like you stated how men are curious, we women can be curious too,knowing how to nt let it get past that, and stay focused on our priorities, family, is what can help make the dfference on chehating or stying faithful,the list has helped me with that "curiosty" perhaps he should create his own list. Funny, how sarcastic life can be though, and how what goes around,truly does come back around to bite you in teh rear end! heres the twist,now we both have been at both ends of an infidelity, and now what each end feels like; he found out about the chattings i had going on, and my communicating back witht that other guy, ever since, he has been in the shoes i have been for many years, the ones tht mak you feel insecure, that keep putting things in your heaad and keep you constantly checking up on the other person, for the first time, he is the one checking up on my phone, hacking into my emails and thigns liek that, althoug we have talked, and assured ourselves that we love each other, that we both want to mainting our family together and make this work, no more games, he stll does it, and i nwo he will keep on doing it although he tells me each time he wotn anymore, i know that feelign, i know exactly how it is, and how it is just beyond you to stop just like tht, and so he will keep doing it for months untl slowwly, after time of not finding anything, time will beging healing this, and slowly will do it less and less, i have been there, as for me, although i know exactly how miserable that feelign makes one feel, i hve to say, in an evil, selfish way, that i cant avoid feeling, i feel a bit relief and glad that he is feeling what i have felt many a times, as for me, i know see, how, although very deserving being checked up on might be, it is also, very ANNOYING and IRRITATING,and instead of feeling compassionate and saying to hime its ok we will get thru this, i cant avoid getting very upset \at hinm each time he does it, nd so then i tell myself, this is what he must have felt, when i was goign through his stuff all the time!
I think we both have realized what we wnt, and tht is us, our girls, our family together and happy, and i will refer back to thi, if ever needed, to keep me where i want to be, relationships are hard, and all thos sayings are so very true, like, you dont kwo what you have until its gone, it had tocome down to this, both of us feeling we were gonna lose each other, to make us realiz this, like anything else in the world that you want, you must work for, so is a hppy marriage, and we are, and i will also work on my communication skills, verbal communication skills that is
Thnk you once again =)

i love you (since i know you will be reading this!)

lady in red

hi im glad u brought the update on how things are going.

im glad that u are now secure and happy in the way u want to live your life.

and yes its easy to get lost in the day to day living not to put the time and maintainace into our biggest investment our marriage.

i think u have the balance just right and as long as u keep peggin away at the little things the big things will take care of themselves.

keep those lists going hon my own children are grown up but i leave msgs on the fridge, todays says "son dinner in bin!!!" "when u phone child dont shout" this is because we are all in and out at different times but they still no if they are in the dog house.

but most important of all make sure u give yourself a big hug and congratulate u for puttin u first and fightin for what u want.

love u to gf

keep poppin bk to keep us in the picture

loving thoughts and positive vibes