This is my first post and just recently I got into therapy because I am having major intimacy issues with my husband. I don't want to have sex or even be intimate on other levels. I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 months now. At first I thought to myself that I simply just fell out of love with my husband but I was told I may want to see someone about my past trauma. 15 years ago I was kidnapped and raped. I escaped after being held captive for about 12 hours. He is in jail for 35 years. About 2 years ago all this happened with the intimacy issues. I never got therapy for this trauma way back when or any other time until now. I simply put it in a box and locked it away. For all these years I told myself and others, "I am totally fine, I escaped, and I am not going to let some piece of **** like him ruin my life". I was very much a minimizer. So I am seeing my therapist and she is telling me what is happening IS related to the rape but I am having a hard time believing it. I am worried that I might really not love my husband and I am fine from what happened to me. Sooooo confused:(
It is very difficult to go through even what happened many years ago. I feel strongly there are a combination of things. Try to be honest with yourself, because you and only you know what your feelings are, and also you should talk to your husband. Take a little more time to reflect on the situation, and then you will know what to do. Say a prayer and have faith, everything will come to the right conclusion. God bless you.
dear bama,
this is actually my first post too. I want to first commend you on your courage, that you were able to find or create the strength to live like that dirt bag didn't want you to. I also want you to know that you aren't the only one who put it in a box and locked it away in order to live a good and functional life. what happened to me was a little different. my boyfriend at the time apparently decided that what I wanted (saving it for marriage) didn't matter and that he could do whatever he wanted to me. For a few months I didn't tell anyone what happened, just wrote in my journal and cried most nights. then I told my friends one by one. some of them didn't believe me and some of them told me it was my fault. a few though were amazing and they helped me realize that I can't let what he did ruin my life, or continue to make excuses on his behalf. I guess it was then that I locked the box because I didn't want to or know how else to deal with it after that realization. I even claimed I had no problems; soon after that I met my current fiancé and found out really quickly that I did still have problems. especially with physical intimacy and especially with trust. what helped me to start dealing with my problems was retelling my story to him, a LOT of reflection time, and a lot of prayer. there are still some times when I just really don't want to be touched though. what helps me the most is knowing that he completely knows what has happened (and still loves me!) and that he makes a point to make sure I know I always have a choice. I just have to remind myself that intimacy is trusting someone not to hurt you, but to make sure you feel loved. I think that he might be even more helpful in your healing than a therapist could if you let him and he wants to. before you jump into the physical intimacy issues try taking some time to reevaluate and work on emotional intimacy together. it sounds like you're on the right track. just hang in there, know you're loved (otherwise this wouldn't matter to him), and don't stop at anything but the truth. &for the record, I'm positive that you could relearn to love your husband if that's really what's wrong. I've seen it happen before. I'll be praying for you and your husband. keep posting when you can too because posting doesn't just help you. it helps me and a bunch of other people. I can't wait to hear about your accomplishments. stay brave,
-triple t