Confusion mixed with persistance

There are two people in my body- I have no idea how that happened. Me and of course ana. I hate ana. I love ana. I don't know. I hate walking along the fence.

I had a tiresome day. I am confused still. I am eating. But I am confused.

I am stressed from all my exams. Freaking out. ED is trying so hard to gain control. It did last week I am just eating this week.

I went to the gym this morning for a short run which felt good. Didn't stain myself. Mostly walked. When I took a shower I looked down at myself and said "deal with it, this is your body, just deal with it". How much does it suck to have to tell yourself that everyday? How much does it suck to not love what you look like... well it sucks a lot.

I studied sporadically today. Freaking out. Not knowing how to soak the information in. I kept telling myself well this food will do me some good. It will make me soak the information in better and think better on the test. It kept telling me "but it will make you fat". I barely have a voice to tell it to shut up though. I just put my hand to my mouth and just chew. Don't think. Just eat.

Then I went and watched my schools soccer team. I had a real good time. It was freezing, but fun. We lost. A new friend and I were talking during the game. Past high school stuff, marching band (yes I am a geek :)) and then she mentioned her time doing track. She mentioned having a coach that ran too much and then was sent away for anorexia in the middle of the season.

I stopped and had nothing to say.

Whenever anyone says that word out loud I am a deer in the head lights. I start screaming on the inside. Ana throws images of the good times of anorexia. Words across my eyes of thin and beautiful. I know there were bad times associated with my time with ana but when She is in control I only see the happy times. Few, but I remember them so clearly. UGH! Hearing that word is a slap to the face. I cringe. It tears something up inside me. I feel lost because I let go, for one second, the strength to beat it and ana sneaks right back in. I need to wedge her out.

I am tired and cold. I told the truth to Mike tonight. I said "I don't know what I want. I wake up everyday saying I could go back and be beautiful. Everyday I look in the mirror and cry a little. It sucks to have to think of yourself as this is your body so deal wit hit. I cannot remember 1 moment in my life that I loved my body. Not when I was 5, not at 12, not at 16, and definitely not now. It sucks to never be comfortable in your own skin. It sucks that every bite I take I hear the word fat. That is my daily life. And it sucks that the only time I can remember having a moment of happiness in my own skin was when I lost a pound." - oh how ana tortures me.

Gonna keep strong. Though its hard, gonna keep trying... I am sad but not going to let her in.

Thats the way you gotta do it allee. I'm glad you are able to differentiate between you're thoughts and the thoughts that ana puts into your head. I'm still at a place where I think ed and i are one in the same, he wants the best for me, right?

**!!!lots of love and warm and tingly hugs from me!!!** Have you ever tried yoga? I'm a yoga pusher when it comes to Anorexia. I love telling people that Yoga helped me "just get OVER myself already" lol. Yoga (when done consistently and with a knowledgeable instructor) teaches you to feel out the edges of your body and to really become in touch with it in a way that no other form of exercise does. When you're that in tune with your body, it becomes a lot harder to allow Anorexia crowd out reality with her self-doubts. I had my revelation with yoga during college when I was fighting Anorexia. I remember wondering right before I went into a class one day if I would EVER look in the mirror and like myself the way I used to...especially because I loved myself so much back in High School and I couldn't even remember what that had been like anymore. The first time I was ever finally able to feel that way again was right after that same yoga class and all I can say is, wow, it was just so amazing. I called a friend right afterward and went to the diner for a big slice of cheesecake. :)

allee....thank you for sharing...I am so sorry that you are struggling daily with this.
Are you seeing anyone, and could you ask for some help in structuring your day so that you could feel more in control? That might help.
You definitely have a lot going on, as we all do, and the stress keeps the door open for the eating disorder to sneak in (or blast through the door).
Please keep reaching out. You CAN do this...don't give up!!
Take care....Jan ♥

allee --

how similiar are we? i have the same freakin thougths as i was reading your post--you described my daily thoughts--of how do i learn to love my body so much when i hate it? and the only time i was happy was when i lost a pound? i know, i know, how strong ana is but she is a murdereer and you do not need to lose weight to be happy. i know allee i KNOW there is SOMETHING else out there that can make YOU HAPPY ! i just know it! i beleive it i have heard it in your emails to me! dont let her in! i didnt ...im working hard although i haer the same thoughts voices you do...all the time. we cannot listen! we cannot! it is like listening to an abuser! do we let the abuser take over and kill us? or do we break free? we break free!

allee you are beautiful. it is our image that is distorted.

allee - i have one thing to tell you --it is called: therapy. i started mine about 2 months ago or so--and wow. what a difference already.... when you uncover what is really going on in your head--NOT THE FOOD OR WEIGHT then you can start to deal with what is really going on.

cause allee---the more i think on it--it isnt the fear of fat we are afraid of--it is something else! it has to be! we are using our body obssession to deal with something ELSE that is going on in our head! something we are too afraid to even utter... something, lurking, deep ....

but we can face it all and overcome it!

i really cant wait till you see your therapist allee---you can really turn this around.

stay strong!

love
maureen

My dearest Allee,

I know you are there somewhere...can we help find you? Pull you out?
Take some time to look at where you're headed for tomorrow, a week from now, a month, a year...this is only going to get worse and you know it. Do you want to compromise all you've worked for?
Breathe.
Mike. A family. A great mother.
Ana is going to take all of that away. There is NO compromise. You can't live happily with both. She'll tell you otherwise. That she's just protecting you. Keeping you conscious of your health. Saving you from the obesity epidemic that's happening all around us.
But you know what Allee? Those people have eating disorders too. They're using food to deal with problems they're too scared to face.
So are we, but in the opposite way.
Both are unhealthy.
And both you can recover from.
You CAN live without Ana or Mia. You CAN be happy.

What do you think has triggered such a change? School? Getting help from a counselor? Telling your parents?
What are you trying to control by doing this?

You have so many people who love and care for you and want to see you happy.
But you have to want it too..and I know deep down you do.

Dig Allee. Dig until you're covered in dirt and found what you're looking for.
You can do this.

Paige xoxo

I agree Jess!! Yoga is heaven sent, calms your mind, connects you to movement within your body.

Alee- please read the book women food and god. It is an amazing book for anyone that has ever dealt with food issues.

You need to learn to love yourself and not hold your self to physical ideals. We are not all going to be pencil thin with chisled musculature. Who ever decided that was the way we should all be anyway?

Be good to yourself- eat foods your body needs and move your body like it is meant to.

Best wishes finding your peace.