It's Saturday, and after a CRAZY week, I am luxuriating on the sofa in pajamas with an english muffin and my computer. I'm warm under a quilt, and feeling quite content at the moment. :)
One year ago, things were quite different for me... Fears of a repeat have followed my movements recently as a ghost would shadow a soul.
LAST year, at our faculty Christmas party, I was humiliated to have my eating disorder on display to coworkers... I felt trapped and terrified, and if I could have jumped right out of my skin, I would have! I was provided with a vegetarian lunch item (which terrified me!), was made to feel GUILTY about receiving a "special" meal, and was warned that the favor would not be repeated the following year... I couldn't eat. I quietly threw out my plate, only to discover my teaching team watching me with grave concern... It was a nightmare!! :0/
I'm in a different place today... I'm stronger. More confident. And a kind coworker made sure that one of the food choices was vegetarian. And a safer one at that. ♥ I felt the fears that followed me from my previous experience, and I couldn't help but sit in that room with memories of 2009 floating through my head... But my experience this year was totally different. :)
This year, I ate. I ate with mindfulness, and a careful ear tuned to my satiety cues. I did not know the calorie count. I was okay. ♥ I even enjoyed a sampler-plate of desserts!! ♥ I was comfortable. I laughed with my coworkers. I enjoyed myself. :) As we were walking back down the hall together afterwards, one coworker turned to another and asked, "Isn't it nice to hear Jen saying what she thinks?" This was answered with, "I hardly recognize her from two years ago! It's wonderful!" (Smile!! ♥)
I opted to stay at school and work in my classroom until 7:00 last night... This is unheard of on a day when we're allowed to leave at 2:00! LOL! But, I made a choice... I stayed and completed my work, and then left it at school! I walked away with a clear conscience, ready to enjoy my two weeks of vacation!!! ♥ I headed home, stopped to pick up dinner, and even enjoyed a piece of the homemade cake one of my students brought me. Dessert TWO times!!! WHAT??? :) But I was comfortable. I dialed in to my satiety, and I knew without doubt that I had eaten when hungry, and stopped at the right time. ♥
I slept well last night. Woke early this morning, opting to spend some time writing here instead of heading to Step class, even though it's been a week since I've been, and I'll be away from my gym over Christmas... It's okay. ♥ I have told myself those words before... Today? I think I actually BELIEVE them. :)
Recovery IS possible, friends! It CAN and DOES happen! :) It's a hard, painful journey, but I promise you, it's totally worthwhile. ♥
Love and Light,
Jen