I had my TV on Discovery Health (I'd been watching movies On Demand on Comcast and it went back to the channel it was last on) and noticed there was a show on about sex addicts. Anyone who's ever been addicted to anything (coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, hard drugs, etc) knows that addiction is the same all around. I thought that one addict had some very good insight:
"For the longest time, my biggest fear was getting caught -- not the damage that my addiction could do. With addicts, we have to come to the point where the pain of acting out is greater than the pain of recovery. That balance has to tip before we're willing to break out of our denial and admit that we need help. You have to have that moment of clarity where you realize that things are out of control. That's what rock bottom is all about."
For me, quitting alcohol is not all that difficult. Because I don't necessarily drink that often but occasionally binge, it's not that hard to just *not* drink. Of course I'd still like to be able to drink, but it's not that difficult for me to avoid it. I'd like to be able to just drink socially and not overdo it, but that can't happen until I no longer crave alcohol. If I'm still reaching for a drink because of a stressful day or because it's a Friday or Saturday night, I'm not ok to even have one drink. If I can get to a point where I could take it or leave it, great; if not, I just won't drink at all.
I spent about 2 years bingeing, knowing that I'd messed up every time it happened, and still, it'd happen again. I'd do fine for quite a while, not overdo it, and suddenly the other shoe would drop and repressed emotions would pop up and I'd just keep drinking. Even after countless promises to not do it again, and *truly meaning* it, it'd happen again. That's a complete lack of control. Even if I'm able to control it most of the time, if I lose control at all, I shouldn't be around it.
It wasn't until something absolutely terrible happened to someone I love as a result of my bingeing, that I decided to stop completely and work on my issues with depression and/in relation to alcohol consumption. "Rock bottom." When my actions affect another person so much that bad things happen to them, things really need to change.
The thought (of course) crossed my mind earlier this evening that I'd like a drink, but I realized that it was mainly because I was bored, lonely and it's the weekend. This cemented the idea that I need to find other things to do to keep myself entertained besides drinking. Like I said, I don't want to drink just because I'm bored, stressed or upset. Those are the times I binge. When it's social and everyone's just having fun and having drinks, I'm in control. I wish it was always like that.
One thing I know about alcohol for me is that there is no controlling it. I have tried that too many times only to wind up worse than before. Each time it only got worse. I might have started out ok but before I knew it I was right back where I was at with the alcohol and then worse. Picking up one drink and for me, control is lost. They say one drink is too many and a thousand is not a enough. That's it for me. So today I choose to be sober and clean for myself and no one or nothing else. I know things look bad now but keep hanging in there and with time it will get better. Keep haring with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
Wow, one drink and you lose control? That's awful. I don't really understand it, myself. I can have multiple drinks with friends, play drinking games, have fun, and be fine for weeks on end. And suddenly, I'll either be bored or stressed about something and wham, I binge. Part of it is a lack of concern. At times, I just don't think "hey, you need to be careful not to overdo it." Most of the time, I do, but there's always that night here and there that it just doesn't happen. That's what I need to fix. If I can, that'd be great, because I would like to have control again. If there's no way I can maintain control every time I drink, I just won't drink anymore. We'll see what happens.
What I mean by one drink is too many and I lose control is that when I take that first drink it begins the downward spiral for me. I may be ok at first but it is not long before I am out of control again. Each time I go down quicker and it is worse than before.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. Take it a day at a time.