Crow:
First, I dont really know what to say, but I'm SO SORRY you have this magnitude of pain to deal with.
At age 15, I was also very suicidal. I was not happy with my family and living situation, and decided by this age that it was time for either my folks or I had "to go". In a nutshell, over the course of a year, I entertained the thought of suicide enough that I came to terms with it, and soon just picked a date and time that I thought would work with my family's schedule - allowing me to do the deed in privacy. But that night, my father unexpectedly stayed home! He just stayed and stayed, reading the newspaper, making phone calls, etc. I waited and waited for him to leave like I thought he had originally planned.
Around 8PM, the doorbell rang. Incidently, my father was the police chaplain in our town. It was one of the local police officers. What I learned next was so surreal I get goosebumps to this day. As I eavesdropped on my dad and the policeman while hiding under the stairs, I learned that the policeman had just been called out to the scene of a suicide. He described everything to my father: he was so distraught! I felt angry that he had been put through the horror of discovering and investigating the scene that he described.
Then, I felt like someone hit me int he head with a brick: I had never thought past myself and parents. I knew that if I killed myself, that my folks would be upset for a short time, and then be ok. I felt they didn't really love me anyways, and mostly they would just be embarrassed about the ordeal. But I had never even thought about how many other people would be affected by such an action - people I know and people I didn't even know.
Hearing firsthand the trauma to the people left behind in this world after a suicide was enough for me to throw out my plans and the whole idea forever. As unhappy as I was, selfish was the LAST thing that I was. I realized that I would rather be incredibly unhappy for a long time, rather than cause even one other person scars for life.
I appreciate being able to share this - I hope it helps you in some way. I can't imagine how painful it must be to have lost your father to suicide. My heart hurts just thinking about your situation. I am SO sorry. You probably do need to find a therapist that can really help you - there are so many out there, but don't settle for the first one you try. Finding a therapist is like making a purchase - they best way is to shop around at a few different venues first, try a few, compare prices, price versus quality, etc, then commit to a purchase and stick with that one. It helps to have the same therapist for period of time because they get to know you and your story, and you don't have to keep filling wach new therapist in on everything.
I wish the best to you now and for your future!