Hey guys,
Well I've reached day 5, of being binge free...and this is always the hard part for me, getting to day 4 day 5. I want to eat the notion to eat has become almost uncontrollable.
I've done so much work with myself, and done everything my therapist has asked, like putting the laptop away for sleep time and not falling asleep to the laptop and really listening to the feelings and trying not to block them out by food, slowing myself down, thinking, feeling, breathing.
But there is so much in me right now, bursting to come out...rage, anger, shame, fear, hate, hurt...so so so much hurt. And all of these are rushing through my brain and my limbs, i just want calm. Me on my own is not use to coping with all of these...food has helped me cope.
I'm like a pressuried container waiting to burst.
Does it get easier? I can't even pinpoint which emotion is coming from where, they are in such a flurry at the moment.
I really just want to be well, i don't want to depend on food anymore.
moongal..yes, it will get easier, but the process is long and hard. But remember, and please KNOW, that the rewards of working through that process are well worth it!
You are obviously full of emotions that do not FEEL good. Can you journal about these to help release some of the pressure? You are seeing a therapist, right? Sorry if I can't always remember. If you are, perhaps writing/journaling to him/her could be helpful, and that would also help him/her to know what you are going through. If you are not seeing anyone, please please begin seeing a professional! Recovery is nearly impossible without it.
I found that by writing, the intensity decreased about what I was feeling, and I was able to feel more peace.
Good luck, take care...and please continue to share!
Jan ♥
Hey Jan,
Ya I'm seeing a therapist and she's great, she's really good and very supportive. These emotions are just bubbling up, they are intense and feel very uncomfortable within me, this is one of the hardest things I've gone through in my life, because I know I have to go through these and I can't keep these down anymore, I have to progress...I have to live.
Today I was so confused, I'm not sure as to what is hunger and is emotion...I think I'm hungry now but I'm afraid to eat in case I'm caving into the emotion and if that gets started it doesn't stop.
Oh dear.... I'm looking forward to therapy Wednesday.
I just want to let the pain go.
Thanks Jan...don't know how you went through this and survived it.
Moongal~ I really don't know much about what you are going through but it does sound like you are really trying to overcome this. I just wanted to write and give you my support:) Wanted to say I'm proud of you and be proud of even the smallest accomplishments;) Keep us posted on how you are doing:)
Your therapist gave you excellant advice, is very wise to shut things off TV, cell phones, computers etc for a while to be capable of being/staying in touch w/reality & the simple things life/nature has offered all of us, I do this alot more now to soothe my emotions especially after years of learning/acknowledging the ordeal of what has happened in a ones life, good to talk here to.
Thanks Manic,
It's like i get this far and I hit this wall of emotions and it's so hard i find it so hard to get through.
They are so strong, that i find it so hard to cope with them.
Sitting with your feelings is really hard especially when they are so raw. i'd love to be told just keep going and 5 days it will all be over but no one can tell me an end point.
It all depends on me I guess.
Thanks you so much for your support, you've no idea how much that means to me right now.
Love to you hun
Hope you are having a good day
Moongal x
moongal, You "are" suppose to sit with your feelings, but not all feelings are meant to just sit with. Like for instance rage, anger, shame, fear, hate, hurt, you know, the powerful ones that lead to binging? All "those" emotions "are bursting to come out". My doctor said the only way to get them "out" is thru picking up something like a pillow and beating the wall, or picking up a bat and beating the bed or sofa the moment you feel them while letting yourself cry out the pain. Because if all you do is "sit with" those powerful emotions, they are not going anywhere and you are torturing yourself when you could be releasing those big pieces of it. So I would talk to your therapist about not sitting with with rage, anger, shame, fear, hate hurt, but you want them to EXIT your body. Because when the intensity of all that is gone, it's gone. At that point, there is no longer any reason to go after food. And that's the whole goal, to end the torment.
I think you are hitting a wall because you are allowing yourself to "sit with" those emotions, and not allowing yourself to "remove them" at the moment yhou feel any of them erupt. Those emotions are erupting inside of your body because they are trying to tell you to "get them out, they don't belong there", you know.
Hey,
Thanks Bunny, sometimes I do get so angered and do try and get it out, and I've been speaking more about, although using a bit more agressive language than I'm used to talking with other people.
I'm so used to laughing and joking about everything it's like I'm not used to admitting yes I've been hurt. But ya I'm trying to get them out, they all seem a bit muddled in there.
Thank you so much for the support.
I hope you are having a good day hun
Love to you
Moongal x
I've been there too! Today was my 4th day and I broke. So.... tomorrow's a new day I guess. It does get easier. You just have to learn to focus your mind on other things and to keep positive. Staying away from boredom helps a lot too. Often times I eat most when I'm bored. Don't restrict yourself too much either. If you allow yourself to have a "treat" just tell yourself that YOU CAN control your body and mind and you WILL NOT eat more than a small amount. It's hard but I promise it's worth it in the end.
Hey Candace,
I am really trying to stay positive, because even though largely my emotions feel like crap, physcially I’m starting to feel healthier. I’m allowing myself to listen to all these bubbling emotions.
I don’t restrict i’ve given up the word diet, I just want to be healthy and full of life, not restrict and have my mind consumed with something else because that goes no place good.
Please don’t be hard on yourself also hun. And don’t think of it of breaking, I know how hard it can be when you feel like you’ve fallen but it was only a small slip and just keep thinking positively because that is what is most important.
I hope you are having a great day hun, I’ll pray you do.
moongal, I was so happy to see your reply to me. :) :)
You're doin a good job. It's ok about the aggressive language. That part comes out too.
I just got an audio book from the library called "Women, Food and God" By, Geneen Roth. It's one of those books that you just take what you need and leave the rest. It's really good. I'm getting a lot of understanding that I didn't have.
Geneen was on Oprah. Oprah said that this book will revolutionize the way everybody views food, themselves and the diet industry. Let me know if you check it out.
I will bunny, although I don't seem to be able to get any helpful books from the local bookshops so I'll order it on Amazon.
Today will be another hard day as i woke up with this awful crushing heartache, which I know has to come out. And luckily my Mam is here today so I've some company and I'm journalling like a crazy person.
Welldone - you're doing incredibly well and I hope that you're proud!!! I also tend to make a joke of serious matters which have happened in my life and this has enabled me to 'breeze' over them without facing them head on. I'm also trying my hardest not to give into the ED and admittedly, am also experiencing some quite scary emotions. I am putting myself at ease by reminding myself that my mind is an intelligent and able mechanism which has a fantastic way of processing information...if I allow it to function at its best. My mind can only be at its best if I give it the right 'petrol' (food) - so, keep doing what you're doing. Keep talking to your therapist and keep reminding yourself that you ARE going to get where you're heading to, you've just got to be patient.
Thanks so much moongal~! You seem like you have a very uplifting personality and you definitely brought some sunshine into my day today. Today I've done great and I'm hoping it stays that way for a while. I'm so glad I found this website. Have a great day!!!!
I have just found this website today. And I hope that it helps me to get a hold of everything and stop using food to be the do all end all of life for me. Have you been on a journey or are you just begining I have not even started. I thought we mite be on the same level since you just joined as well. Hope you are having a great day!
Jen
Hey oh_la_la,
It's amazing how we can make a joke of lifes rotten plots and through them under the mind carpet...and dump an ED on top. And that's how we've coped with things that we just can't handle...and now we have to unlearn all these things, and pull up that carpet and go there...to that scary emotional filled place.
At the moment it's every hours at a time, just trying to get through.
I hope you are having a good day. Yes the mind is a wondourous thing alright...I just my strength would be as glorious most days..oh I do wish you so well as I know exactly what you are going through.
No worries Candace,
I understand exactly how you feel, almost like we are really taking those really wobbly baby steps and the slightest touch could make us fall on our bottoms...but it needed be a bad fall we just get up and try again until we are walking.
I am so glad you found this website too, it's such great support, everyone "gets it"...which is what we need.
Thanks Bunny,
I had a small slip yesterday. Later I ordered that book you recommended from amazon. I am feeling better today…have to get up on the horse again…really looking forward to tomorrow’s therapy session to be honest.
moongal, congratulations on this! its such an accomplishment. there are times when i need to slow down and breathe too. its so great that you are getting this done and i understand your fear. i feel that way too wondering if i'll be okay tomorrow or if i'm going to break down and binge again. i can only keep doing what i know works. and hearing from all of you, writing my honest thoughts, and accepting your help works. good luck on the days to come. be well