Court Today Paternity of child

Just got home from court for paternity cause I went for child support against my daughter's father. My daughter is now going on 4 next month. This is the story and why it took me so long to finally go for child support.
Vanessa's father and I were dating for 3 months in the beginning of 2007. I was just turning 19 when I found out I was pregnant. Although he was my boyfriend I now don't even consider him an ex but a drug partner. For most of the 3 months of being with him we mostly did drugs, crack cocaine. The day I found out I was pregnant I thought actually that would want him to stop but instead that night he wanted to go use. I was so upset and trying to make him not and the harder part was that he wanted me to come with him to get the stuff but I didn't want to. Went an hour of arguing and I telling him to please not do it cause I knew if he did I would be tempted and I didn't want to do it knowing I was pregnant and just finding out that I was that day. But I gave in and so he got it and guess what? I did it also. I was so upset at myself that the next day I left him because i knew being with him would make me still use even though I was pregnant and I knew that, that wasn't right for my baby if I was possibly going to keep the child. I didn't know what to think around that time I was so scared. So I left and got help and didn't see him or talk to him again till my daughter was actually 2 months old. I never put him on the birth certificate when she was born. I was living at my moms house at the time and he started to call wanting to his daughter but me not knowing if he got his life together told him if he wanted to see her he would have to go to the court house and file for a paternity test. I basically wanted him to fight to see his child to prove to me he got his life together and he truely wanted to be in his daughter's life. Well of course he was making excuses saying he didn't know where the court house was blah blah blah and then eventually stopped calling all together and he never went to file for paternity. Probably because honestly he didn't want to pay child support which was my thought. So years go by and now it today. Couple months ago I finally decided to go for child support. For years I would debate if I should or not. I was scared because I didn't know if it was the correct thing to do and if he did get his life straight or would he start being in Vanessa's life. Also thinking about Vanessa's safety and if it was fair to her if going for child support or not. So many thoughts and questions running through my mind. Also questions if I could actually face him because seeing him would be seeing my past and for so long I avoided people, places, and things from my negative past and drug use. Anyways so today was the court date. I did talk to him 2 times on the phone recently before this actually cause he contacted me on facebook. And he has another daughter. He had his other daughter like a year and a half after Vanessa was born. And his son actually was back into his life. But he still seems to be the same when I used to be with him. Still really doesn't have a job. (Well at court today he said he started a job working for his girlfriend taking care of her?) He still does illegal tattooing on the side. He still doesn;t have a license but still drives without a license. And when I asked him if he does any drugs he went on this whole subject that he does "synthetic weed" and that it is supposedly legal and they sell it a gas stations. It helps him "sleep" and helps his "anxiety". Basically making excuses. Checked online of course about the drug and I find out it is actually illegal for gas stations to sell and also I heard that it is illegal to even smoke or it will be? Also that this stuff is actually worse then actual weed! So yeah I feel it is still getting high and using something else in place of crack. I didn't tell him anything of how I felt I basically thought the phone conversations was just him trying to look good and also brag about how he is a great father to his other daughter. He wanted to keep calling me but I told him not to and that I want to see how the court dates go and I am not rushing Vanessa into his life. That I want to take this one step at a time and see how things go. And of course me saying that he thinks that I may think that their is a possibility he isn't the father. Which is bull cause of the timing of getting pregnant and having Vanessa and I was with him 24.7 the whole 3 months and never left his side.
Anyways so yeah we went to court. Even though it was a paternity court hearing I didn't bring Vanessa cause the papers didn't say anything about bringing Vanessa. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't want to bring Vanessa to court if I didn't have to. Plus I thought maybe there was a chance he may just say he is the father and not have to do the DNA testing or he would'nt have shown up at all. I knew if they chose DNA testing they would reschedule for Vanessa to come in. I would rather do the reschedule anyways for Vanessa's sake. Cause I didn't want to confuse her just right now with her seeing her dad all of a sudden. I want to do this the correct way if she starts seeing him. Anyways so I went and he was there with his girlfriend and daughter and son! I went in to fill out paper work and he supposedly went up to Mike (my boyfriend) and said hi and asked why Vanessa wasn't there. He seemed irritated that she wasn't. What did he expect? A family reunion? I believe that is the only reason why his other daughter and son were actually there to meet Vanessa. Vanessa's father just said well I was going to do the DNA testing so she should have been here. That isn;t the real reason why he wanted her there. It was to see her. Which I understand but I am going to do this the correct way and not shove Vanessa's whole father's side of the family in her face. "oh Vanessa that is your father and your sister and brother!" She is at a fragile age. So yeah I mean he of course wanted the DNA test done so we did the swabs and I have to bring my daughter on the 25th there to have her swabbed also but of course her father don't have to show up. Then March 21st is the DNA results which I am still not going to bring Vanessa so he better not expect to see her that day either. I don't want her to meet her father till I know for sure their will be visitation or not. Plus I want drug tests first on him and also if visitations do start supervised visits first and slowely Vanessa seeing her father. Then later her meeting her brother and sister. Vanessa is still getting used to of me having another baby. I am 27 weeks pregnant with her other brother. I only have her and this one inside me so this is all going to be alot of change for her.
Seeing her father was nerve wrecking. It was a flash of my past seeing him. It was uncomfortable and ackward. I was more nervous of facing him because of him used to be technically my drug partner. I started crack around the time I meant him and stopped cracked when I left him. So yeah that was my experienceand even though it was like 2 hours ago I still have anxiety going on. I thought it would stop by now cause the worst part is over. Seeing him after like 4 and a half years of not. Sorry story so long but I guess I just needed to get all that out and tell someone I guess.

That must be very hard to go through! I hate any court stuff but it sounds like you do fairly well in there. I think it's always been easier when I have to go into court, when you know you are armed with the truth, and you haven't done anything wrong in taking care of your daughter!!!

Sending hugs, Suzee

I just really hope I am doing the right thing. Part of me is like eh I should'nt have gone for the child support and just said forget about it so I don't have to deal with him at all and seeing him and the stress that comes with it but then I keep thinking and putting in my head that it isn't about me it is about my daughter and what is best for her. I hope doing this is best for her. I mean I never really wanted to keep her father from her at all. I just keep thinking of protecting her and what would be the best. Should she really be in her father's life or is it better that she is not? I still don't know the answers to that. Grrr it is so nerve wrecking! Drives me nuts! Gives me horrible anxiety to where I just want to cry! I hope I am strong enough for this. Who knows maybe this is also good for me to face my fears. Seeing him is seeing my past really and maybe seeing him and dealing with this could help me grow to be even stronger. I don't know.