Creative Expression

All my life, I've been a little bit messed up
And all my family's turned their backs on me
But every day, I try to be better
In every way and I keep trying

I don't have to prove a thing to you
You don't know me and I don't know you (do I?)

So I've done drugs and my share of drinking
And all my friends have been right there with me
Money's tight but some things will get better
And we'll be alright if we keep trying

Not a lie when I say, things could be better
Not a lie when I pray for things to get better
When I say I'm alright, don't look in my eyes
Cause you'll see I'm not alright (but I try)

Life is hard, but I've got my armour
Everything bounces off of me
Everytime someone tries to get me
Victory is mine but they keep trying

I don't wanna do the thing to do that
Erase me and embrace you (do I?)

(Soon to be alright)

All my life, I've been a little bit messed up
And all my family's turned their backs to me
But every day, I can get much closer
And I'll win someday if I keep trying

Hey Sarah Kate,
Thanks for sharing that, it was great. Tell us more about your story...you seem to be divided from your family?

There seems to be a lot of conflict going on up there, about erasing yourself, and feeling unloved, you mention victory...what is your victory sweetie?

Hope you are having a good day hun, and hear more about you.

Love to you
Moongal x

Well...it is a pretty long story, but my brother is in prison for 1st degree murder and was responsible for setting up my gang rape when I was 17 years old. My mother was an abusive alcoholic during our entire childhood. As an adult I decided to not include them in my life. When I made that decision, the rest of my family turned against me. They thought that I was being selfish. I developed my eating disorder around the age of 7. My mother would always take us out for a "sweet treat" after each one of her "episodes" I began to ***ociate the treat with her apologize and I learned that refusing the food was equal to refusing her apology. I began to integrate the refusal of food into daily life. It wasn't about food or weight at this time, it was about the battle for control. Around the age of 13 I was very active in ballet. I was auditioning for the junior company and was at the top of my cl***. My idol ballerina who was the company ballet mistress taught my how to make myself throw up. She said it would give me an 'edge'. I'm 29 now, so me and ED go back a long time. We have had lots of ups and downs through the years and the last year has been my lowest year. I am fighting my *** off, but the harder I fight, the harder he fights. I am just feeling really helpless right now.

My victory right now is that for the first time I have allowed myself to reach outside of myself and find a support team both online and within my community. I usually completely isolate when I am in this deep dark place. BUT perhaps this will help me heal. Love back to you. :)

Wow hun,
You have had an awful lot to deal with in your short life time. You said you've never reached out for help, so does this mean that you are not getting therapy for your ED and also for all of these things you have gone through?

Therapy is so so important hun and it's something that I definitely think you could benefit from.

I am so sorry to hear about your rape. I can't imagine the damage that would have caused you. And about the situation with your family.

Sweetie it is never selfish to put yourself first and if you feel you need space from your family I feel you have the right to do so. So try take that guilt away from yourself.
As for your ballet teacher?...I think you realise now that what they were teaching was crap...although i know how hard it is to filter out that and put logic with everything...if only everything were that simple.

Well done for reaching out hun. Right now, it's just going to be baby steps and that's ok, baby steps are good. I can totally relate to the inner turmoil of the ED.

So how are you coping with your ED now? You are so brave for reaching out hun, really glad you did...just keep coming back cos we are all here for you and let us know about you.

Love to you
Moongal x

No, I began seeing a therapist and a dietician earlier in the year before I was admited to the hospital. It was my first experience with a professional therapy team. They both specialize with eating disorders, so I don't get away with much. We are working through the issues from my past, one at a time. I waited too long to get help, and I internalized all of my past traumas without dealing with the emotions that went with them. As we drag out all of this trauma it is as if I am going through the emotions for the first time. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But my therapist is amazing, she makes me work hard, and she holds me accountable. I still struggle with my eating, but she has given me so many tools and skills to help me. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Some days I know I can do it, others I still doubt my ability to accomplish full recovery, but that doesn't stop me from trying. My main motivation is my partner of 9 years who has stuck by my side through more relapses than I can count. She believe in me, so there must be something she sees in me that I can't see. Just have to remember that until I can see that amazing thing that she sees.