Crp Shoot

My mother is trying to help me get through this tough time in my life but all she seems to be doing is making it worse. I have been going through what my therapist calls "a mental blip." I think that's a relapse but she's the professional, apparently it's not... haha joke. Anyways, I've been uber stressed out about my boyfriend coming back home after a job that lasted 30 days in Utah, a state of which I do not and will not reside in. I could not visit and cannot visit. I'm so afraid he was cheating that I read articles on MSN (what a good source, I know) about signs of cheating. When he got back I was on high alert to watch for those signs. He doesn't have any, but I'm finding I trust him more when he's not with me. This aftermath of him coming home started in May. I'm going through a medication change for my Depression. And I was tested for seizures because I was seeing flashes of light convienently while driving haha. I am becoming delusional, thinking that my boyfriend has set up all these webcams in various places I frequent just to broadcast how disgusting I am to everyone around the world. I think that my mother hates me because all the things she says to try to help me come out in such a rude and spiteful way like she's being forced to "help" me. My therapist wasnts to adopt me. My friends all hate me because I don't spend any time with them. I'm starting to realize that all my friends in my boyfriend's family know that I'm a terrible person and are trying to convince him to break it off with me. I'm no longer giving myself credit, these all are delusions but I really am having a hard time believing that. I've been trying (sorta) to get into some sort of real support group here and they finally told me that the NAMI in my area really focus on the elderly and children and that maybe in a year there might be something for my age group and for schizophrenia. Someone please tell me you understand and mean it. I've been longing for a shitzo to be friends with just so I can have someone understand what I'm going through. So I can understand someone on a higher level than my friends now. I feel so completely alone in this town of 50-some thousand.. Everything that was straight in my life has now gone down the shoot. I am in a pile of dung, with more piling on top of me. Life sucks. Ugh seems to be my trademake on here... Ugh!

I don't think you worrying avout your boyfriend is schizophrenic. That should be technical area that anybody with real care and consideration for will tell you. The whole camera scenario might be taking it a little far. Do you really find it feesible that there would be somebody willing to attempt such things. If you full heartedly believe your on webcam all the time, then focus on all the positive stuff that you do while he's taping you. Let me make it clear, that I doubt that your on webcam. Please do not let a ludicious thought like that manifest your life or lifestyle, because your better than that.

Yes, I do actually think that I'm on a webcam 24/7. And to focus on positive things while I am being watched is kind of difficult because I have to do things that are normal bodily functions but am uber embarassed about for people to watch. I'm sorry but it's very difficult to not let something as ludicious like that manifest since it's apart of my every day life. It's not quite that easy. I've tried the whole "pretend that it's not there" thing and it only goes away with medication, which I'm on. But it doesn't go away when I'm so stressed out, like I am now, because there's nothing I can do about it but be calm. I do practice that as best as I can, but the feelings of paranoia are overwhelming at times.

paranoia is good to a certain extent its allows us to do whats best for us most of the time, chk before we cross the roads, put suntan lotion on when its hot and so on and so forth.

but im interested in how many cameras there are and where they are positioned,

loving vibes and positive thoughts

I'm not sure how many there are.. a lot? Haha. It is a silly thought, and I know that. They're all focused on my head mainly, in tall bushes like overgrown Rhododendron bushes and in the lower branches of trees. I live in a very green lush state in America so there's places for them to be everywhere. Just typing it, let alone saying it, makes it sound so stupid.

Yeah, paranoia could be a good thing, but when you are on the phone with a signficant other telling them that you think they are video taping you and thinking that the whole relationship is a joke is a bit much. My paranoia is all about my safety, if I'm going to get shot today, if I'm going to find a camera today, if my friends are all suddenly going to ditch me for good today. Ugh.

well those are all valid points i agree but although it could happen its unlikely.

and u might get shot at some point in your life u might find a camera and u will loose a few friends over the years.

but i dont thingk the bf is video mad do u?

or that he thinks your relationship is a joke?

loving thoughts and vibes

Did you know that when I was younger I used to have nightmares about a burgular coming inside of the house. I was also scared of random drive-bus happening. I was just a kid watching the news with my parents and I would get these ludicious ideas that bad things always happened to you. I remember walking down the street and watching a car thinking that he was going to do a drive by. He actually pulled out a toy water pistol and pretended to shoot me. That experience completely ended my cycle of paranoia. It was such an overwhelming, powerful emotion that it allowed my mind to ease. It scared me so bad watching him grab for the gun, then pull it out that I actally found myself laughing at myself. It was a crazy idea that somebody would ever shoot some little kid for no reason.

Cameras should be in this same class of paranoia. I know you think that you're being violated of your privacy, but what do you think the odds are? It's just the same chances that I had getting shot at by a drive-by shooting at a young age as you would have people pointing cameras at you.

well put bashfull

im glad u were able to put the whole thing in perspective.

and although things do happen they are not the norm thankfuly.

as always keep posting and chattin

loving vibes and positive thoughts

My boyfriend doesn't think the relationship is a joke, values it very much actually. I'm not getting video taped, I know. I'm aware of things like that. It's a feeling now because of so much stress I'm under. Maybe I should take my physician's advice and sit in a dark corner alone and breath deeply haha. I guess I haven't had the experience that you've had, bashful, to snap me out of it.. hope I do because this is just getting weird.

when u think about it there is a lot to be said for the deep breathing tool.

it lowers your stress rate, and slows everything down so u can look around and see the wood for the trees.

loving thoughts and positive

I just find it so weird that he would suggest something like that.. I'm not really that type of person that believes that deep breathing works unless it's to work against oneself and to stop from crying.. it does then. Maybe I'll try it tonight...

Simply wonderful. I really thought that my advice might have gone unnoticed. It was a real event that actually occured to me. I'm happy to see that you've grown to perceive the information for more than words. I'm happy to see things are starting to take a positive inclination in your life. I am truely happy for you. Many hopes and wishes for you Mishy.

Jacob