So I could have been on a high, I'm not entirely certain at this point, but I do know that whatever those happy feelings were, they just got smashed to smitherens. I made a priority list for things to deal with in my life and had told my boyfriend that our intimacy issues weren't going to by top thing. I warned him. I told him the truth. I made the list. Death, mother, health, our intimacy, best friend one, father, best friend two. That's the list in order from extremely important to not important at all. He knew I was making it and when he called, he asked about it. I told him again that he wasn't going to be happy with the results. Told him the list.. went into the fact that I really want our intimacy to be number one but in order for that to happen, I have to have to have to get these things straightened out because that's what is causing our problems. He seemed fine until I was going off about one thing or another, I think it was the signs of someone suicidal and how I know what they are (had just read them a few weeks back) and he just pops in with he's tired and wants to go to bed which is understandable, he's been working for 9 days straight for 13 hours a day. He pipes in with "I hope you do that thing you promised.. even if we don't get to have sex for a very long time." That thing is not something I'm going to disclose but really, I went through so thoroughly I thought why my priorities are the way they are and kept telling him over and over that I had warned him that he wouldn't like the outcome. I was feeling so good. Then almost started crying because all he cares about is sex. Forget the 9 people dead, the fact that my mother and I are at each other's throats every night for the first time in a looong time, no, those are all insignificant, sex sex sex. I knew that it was all he cared about. I knew that it should be on the top. But I also knew that he wasn't going to like the outcome. I blame myself completely. How selfish can I be, thinking that his needs aren't more important than my well being? That isn't sarcasm either, that's real. I really believe that. I just want to break down and cry but I can't, I won't. I will not let my mother see this, or hear it. I feel like a complete failure.. again. Every night I feel like a complete failure. Ugh.
mishy
U ARE NOT A FAILURE. well done for making the list just out of curiosity i got my man to make a priority list i made one too
results his pay the bills/ children/ camera/ footie/ wife
mine kids/house/net/hubby/work
are we upset we come so low on the lists? not at all, it says a lot about our relationship
keep posting gf i no u will get there
loving thoughts and positive vibes
I know that it's right for us to come almost dead last on the list, but his reaction first was good, then at the end of the conversation it was just a crippling low blow. He knows that I want to make him happy in every possible way and he also knows that I am not happy in any possible way. Just for him to say that hurt so effing bad. I'll try to tell him tonight if he calls.
men always react badly to not being number one when they are young.
u keep going dispite him cos that way he gets a more positive u who will b so apealing to any young man, that he might have to watch out
let me no how consuling went
loving thoughts and positive vibes
I just got off the phone with my guy and explained what mania is and how it affects me and then went into how things went last night in my eyes and he said that he didn't mean for it to sound like he was upset that he wasn't first. He said that he knows that there are more important things to deal with and is willing to wait it out until it's our turn. I told him that there isn't really anything he could have done differently, either way I would have been at a crushing low. And as for his tone (I replayed it for him) he said that he was really tired and it was the voice of being tired, not the voice of disappointment. As for being appealing to other young men, that would be such an ego boost! Haha. I love him though, and only him which he knows.. hopefully.
Therapy went pretty well I suppose. I didn't really get into last night too much but gave her the overall picture of how I felt. We focused more on how I treat myself and if I would treat a friend or child that way. Positive self-affirmations are my homework.. should be fun *sarcasm*. And I didn't get on new anti-depressants, I have to wait for them to get out of my system so another week to wait. After last night, I donno how well this upcoming week will be for me =(.
hon positive self is what we are aiming for so ok u feel like ***** but run that brush thru your hair and that is a good start,
cos lets b honest isnt that the first thing we tell friends look smart feel good.
and a week before u have new meds, well that isnt so long to wait but keep working on the positive, baby steps are all good here so tonite i want three :D
come on gf up and at them u have had your comfort zone lets step out just a tiny bit,
cyber cuddles and of course
positive thoughts and loving vibes
Well I have taken a step today without even seeing this response so that's good. I was talking to a old high school friend and we're meeting up for coffee tomorrow to dicuss death and how to get through it. I'm looking forward to it. And one of my best friends is getting some cards from work to help me get out of the 'Whoa is me' feeling and into the 'Look at meee!' feeling. So there's two.. I might talk to a friend about how falling out tonight and she's on the list, just not first or.. even in the middle. That's three.
Thanks for the positive vibes, thoughts, and cuddles, they actually work haha.
Cheeky :D
well done u.
keep it up, simple but positive small but forward is best
will b here if u need me but have a good day
cyber cuddles
loving thoughts and positive vibes
From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder