how is it that some of my cynicism has taken a sabbatical? i am SHOCKED by the activities in which i have participated...and actually learned from!
hmmmm, where should i begin?
**i balked at the idea of writing a letter to my *inner child*, but b/c i am fond of the chickie who led that group, i honored the situation. writing as generically as possible, i shocked the **** out of myself by producing a very meaningful [yet vague] letter that was actually worth writing AND reading.
**my gratitude for this op to be in treatment was non-existent. my anger flared. my humiliation was enflamed. my anxiety was OFF THE CHART. many silent tears have been shed, cuss words have been uttered, feeling like **** has reigned. but i felt a change at the beginning of this week- a bit of GRATITUDE for being here surfaced... and i found myself thinking that i am glad to be here. WTF? glad to be here?? yes.
**i am a pretty harsh critic of psycho-babble bull****. psychological *catchwords and phrases* tend to stir up my cynicism. for example: being in a *safe* environment... again, wtf? or: working on *people pleasing* issues. blah blah fucking blah... sounds so CHEESY! but i'd be lying if i didn't say that i appreciate the *safety* here. I HATED IT AT FIRST! and low and behold when the time came to open the cage door, the guinea pig sat there and shook and didn't move toward the door at all. [*one morning they gave us a guinea pig. it came to the house in a cage. at midday, i opened the door of the cage. i returned home at nightfall and found the guinea pig just as i had left it: inside the cage, huddled against the bars, trembling with the fear of freedom.* -- eduardo galeano, the book of embraces] i have somehow let myself embrace the safety of this sacred place. AND, when all the psycho-babble bull**** was staring my in the face on a service plan, i felt myself crumbling...i know it all applies to me.........
**and... today. we made a collage. yep, ranks right up there with macaroni necklaces, in my opinion. but much to my surprise, i not only ENJOYED the activity but i followed the instructions and learned a little about myself...
so there you have it- the ***** did the switch.
more later, my sweet sisterhood...
xo
Hello there! Thank you so much for the update and sharing your progress with us. You made me laugh out loud with "the ***** did the switch", thank you for that :-)
I love how much all of these exercises are really help you through this so positively, and most especially I love how much you've made the "switch". That's so fantastic! I am so thrilled for you. Please keep sharing with us and let us know how you are doing.
Amy,
You have been in my heart so much lately. I m proud of you for pushing through and doing things even though you may not feel like it. It takes strength to do that, and you have a lot of strength. I miss our talks and miss you very much! Hang in there beautiful.
Ha thinking your glad to be there WTF? It took me my second week when I started to actually feel more comfortable in the treatment program I was in. I worried I would be the oldest one there and to my surprise there was one older than me and another close to my age. But age didn't matter we all grew to enjoy one another and I actually looked forward to seeing them everyday.
We also had to do activities too a Collage also which at first I thought was stupid (but did anyway) and in the end realized some things also about myself. we also had to write a letter to our ED.
I knew it would take a matter of days for you to feel more at ease and feel this way.
Happy to be able to hear how you are doing!
sweet pdl, kasee [my fairy-god-daughter], warrior ag, and tink...
i too love when i can sneak in some dry humor for comic relief... i'm happy to know that my intentions don't go un-noticed and that giggles and smiles were created. :)
i truly DID think that i would *warm up* to the program at some point. i just didn't expect it to be this soon...
k- we can always private message here or on fb! i've missed you to and am anxious to hear about your recent encounters!
tink- knowing you are reading helps me to face my fears here, you know?
**************************
scary update: everyone shares their story here in the form of a timeline. today is MY day to share. today.... i will allow myself to utter words i have never said; i will acknowledge events i have refused to believe existed; i will speak my unspeakables.
i NEED to do this. i NEED to hear myself say the truth. i need others to HEAR my truth and to HELP me resolve it so it doesn't hurt me any longer.
terrified and almost catatonic... my need to feel BETTER, my need to be able to LIVE, my need to be able to enjoy being me, my need to enjoy living- that need to feel better is pushing past the terror and frozen shock and wants RELEASE.
i will do this today. i will. i know i will break down. i know i must put my efforts into releasing the truth rather than sitting on the lid of my hysteria.
huge, collosal, unbelieve-able, big, god damned deal for me today.
i look forward to being able to report POSITIVE feedback and a bit of peace from this terrifying release.
namaste, my sisterhood
amy xo
I know all too well how daunting this can be to share our own story (YOUR STORY). When I was in treatment I was there for 5 weeks I did share parts of my story but felt I could have used more time to get through my whole story.
I learned that with others who shared their stories helped me to feel less shame for my own story because parts of my story were very similar to what other shared.
So I do hope you allow yourself to be real and open and share your story ..your TRUTHS..PUSH through the fear..push through the pain
I look forward to some POSITIVE feed back for you to share here with us..I wish I could be there for you but remember us here we ARE with you!
Love you and look forward to hearing more!
Amy, I know that you CAN and WILL share your story with much needed release and success. This is yet another huge step in the right direction on your road to recovery. I am so very proud of you; proud that you are here with us sharing, proud that you are doing so brilliantly in treatment, and proud that you are so wonderfully positive. Please let us know how everything went for you. We are here for you, holding your hand through this. Sending you big [virtual] hugs.
I think at some of these I started laughing because I remember doing activities I would NOT have ever done when I was in treatment. I made so many collages, and we had to make a "mask" out of paper machete and I thought it was the dumbest thing--but I still hold onto my mask.
The multiple groups where we had to write letters to our body, and then once we wrote a divorce letter to our ED--it all seemed silly, but it was so profound!! I love looking back at the things I wrote and thinking "wow, I really have come pretty far".
I love you dearly, and I love reading how you are growing!!!
Amy...just finding this one, but you did it!!!! Thank you for inviting me to witness your 'story' as you told it. I KNOW what you are doing each and every day is more difficult than you ever imagined, but dear friend, you ARE doing it. You are not just going through the motions, but you are being proactive and engaging with others in ways that you believed you could NEVER do.
I was moved, to tears. I feel your pain every day, and I am cheering you on. I love you dear friend ♥
I am so very proud of you for embracing this opportunity to heal. The work is painful and the activities may seem so ridiculous ar first but the results aee so very worth it! You are amazing! I am so grateful to hear your updates and hear your fighting spirit in your posts. Your raw honesty is so wonderful!
Namaste Amy
Love, Myhsthe
AMY; I am scarce on the site these days but ALWAYS thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers And witnessing a dramatic transformation right here as I read your posts