Im just one great big **** up and have so many mental health issues now and am in such a bad place right now.
Suffering - severe depression, bpd, ocd, anxiety, panick attacks, insomnia, severe skin picking, drug dependant, self-harm, abused, loneliness, illicit drugs & alcohol and an extremely addictive personality.
mmmh got a lot going for me havent i? - NOT!!!!
What man in there right mind would even contemplate coming near me! Thats what I thought before I met my husband who has put up with me for 7 and a half years - where has it all gone so wrong. He came along and we had a blissfully happy first 5 years and then it slowly went down hill form losing his job and jointly owing nearly £50k debts, to my mental health spiraling rapidly out of control. I looked my entire life for love attention and craved it from anybody as didnt get it as a child and evry man I met id fall in love with and thought they loved me but just got hurt, used, mistreated, cheated on, betrayal, severely beaten and abused and i just ended up a shell with everything kicked out ofd me.
I meet my husband who was all that I had ever dreamed of and so much more and what do I do - DON'T KNOW WHAT THE **** TO DO WITH IT! All he wants is love attention and intamacy from his wife that he dotes on and worships the ground I walk on. Gave up work after grafting his entire life just to take care of me & the kids! Why cant I show him how much I love him, why do I never want to make love (very rarely) (and our sexual relations are ****ing great - when it happens) other than I end up sobbing uncontrollably after just experiencing great loving! and I cant even tell him why other than its not his fault its me - but I dont know why either at all I cant explain it. I make him feel like I dont love, care, want, feel or anything about him. The cold shoulder the silences, the un bothered dont give a **** attitude - never going to him when hes crying his eyes out - as previously he pushed me away and whats the worst thing someone can do to me? knock me back???? OMG thats just the worst cause Ill never do it again. BUt he just thinks im heartless, but he cries all the time. What right have I got to make the best thing thats ever happen to me my doting husband so miserably unhappy!!
But why cant he be a little more understanding he tries but its too hard I dont understand let alone someone on the outside. He just sees his beautiful wife destroying herself and spiralling into a very dark place and he cant do anything about it1!!!Im on medication, Im starting another therapy in august, im going away to try a drastic diet to reduce my dependence on prescription drugs. Im seeking support online - im trying desperately but to no avail to him as everyday is unpredictable and hes struggling to cope!!!!
What the **** am I gona do - Im actually a good person underneath - Im in need of help desperately before its all too late xxxxx
Has he read any of your posts? I see how much you care about others, so I KNOW you are a good person. He knows you are good too, but your BPD does not let him. Tell him about your BPD...let him read how you feel. Write your feelings down for him to read so he understands. Ask him for help in your problems. It seems as if he loves you very much, and as a result he will more than likely help you in your recovery...
I will pray for you because I understand you. Ray
Sounds like you may need to seriously seperate and not have any contact for 2/3 weeks. Give yourself time to miss him and he miss you. Give your emotions some breathing time. Get in touch with yourself, find you within you. Your outburst are your issues and he's wearing them like a shirt. Men don't know what we go through, there "Men". I'm 45 years old divorce, been single for 10 years, not fun, very lonely. I date but I am so use to being single, I don't know if I could ever have that married type of relationship. Don't loose your man, the good one's....well they don't make them anymore. Get you a notebook, write down your emotions, feelings everyday and go back every day and read what you wrote the days before...your answers to your issues will surface because you will be documenting and the problems will be repetitious. I'm not a doctor, but that is how I got thru personal issues. And even though I was in denial on my problems, it was what it was. and it is what it is...Good Luck
Pm_hebert, very good advice. I have some of these same problems and found your respnse to be ery helpful. My thoughts are with you and I’m sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for you regarding your upcoming recheck. Good luck to you. Thank you.
Firstly Im so sorry you have lost a loved one Its just the worst thing that I also went through for the first time 2 years ago! My loving thoughts and big hugs are so with you - words cant describe I know - I dont know whether you have read any other of my posts/journals but there are some lovely words (poems) i have posted and what I went through with my best friend - you may find it comforting in some way and your not alone hunni!
Thankyou for your reply and kind words and advice it means alot to me. Things have calmed down now - but yes funny you should say I need a break Im going away to visit my dad next week for 17 days with just 1 of my children (the other three and hubby staying home) first time in my life away from them but I need to do this for myself - trying a new diet whilst away to try rebuild immune system and reduce me meds etc and on returning my pyschological therapy starts so fingers crossed Im headed in the right direction but obviously a long journey ahead but I dont care just desperate to get better and be happier.
I agree with the whole writing a journal at home of your thoughts and feelings and daily events - I have one but have only written in it once and that was a very bad day for me - it did help writing it down and I have re read it many times and still feel exactly the same nearly a year on - the only thing was it was just one day of thoughts and I wrote 36 pages of extremely messy scribble which also reflects my state of mind & person as usually Im extremely perfect & tidy and particular about my writing well everything actually (a perfectionist - persist till its right, usually my way or no way my hubby says - I cant help it I just like what I like and the way I like them - he says if he puts anything anywhere or moves something within minutes or hours ive moved it again! that sounds awful I know and i dont mean to but things have their place at home and things have to be symetrical and even etc a bit obsessive I know!) Anyway me going off on a tangent again - Im going to start my journal the day I travel on my hols as I will have time (ive never had before) to do what I want when I want for how long I want with no stresses or worries - it sounds blissful - i cant wait actually. So Im going to post my journal online to let all know how my jounrey goes!!!
Loving thoughts are with you xxx
I don't know how old you are, but there comes a time for all of us to realize when enough is ENOUGH. I will soon be 40, had a traumatic event happen in my teens that has followed me through life. I can't run from it any longer. I finally, after accepting the fact that the medications the doctor had been patching me up with all these years, was not working. I woke up wishing to NOT. I could never take my life, but I don't have the will to live it. I spoke with my family doctor, she recommend I go into the mental health hospital for a few days. I really needed to be put on diffent medications for my current condition, which had changed over time. I knew this, for years. I didn't need a doctor to tell me. It wasn't to say I could live everyday life and function normally. I had proved that for the past 24 years. It was time I stop trying to fight and prove myself to everyone. Yes, what happened to me did effect me, but it didn't make me crazy. Dealing with people thinking I should have went crazy pushed me to succeed. Now, I feel like I have done that and I still have yet, to find happiness.
I did check myself in for a few days. If not, I wouldn't be writing to you. I isolate myself. The doctor changed a medicine I had been on for 15 years and I'm starting to feel some better. I start therapy in two weeks. Right noe, I'm looking for support group and things like this to talk to people whom I have things in common with. Good luck to you, and I hope you consider getting inpatient help.