Damn neighbors!

My neighbors are at it again and I hate it! They have friends over and are outside BBQing, laughing, having fun-again. **** them. They’re always doing things like that. Party’s, going on weekend trips, having tons of people at their house.

As I sit here wallowing in my anger, self-pity, contempt and self-loathing. I remember when I used to be the life of the party. Of course that was 20 years ago. I used to have people at my house. There would be laughing. Of course more often then not I was high, drunk or teasing every man in site.

I guess a part of me–by BPD brain, expects everyone else’s life to come to a stand still just because mine has. How dare they. The arrogance of them having fun, being happy, enjoying life while I sit here alone in my pit of hellish rage. Don’t they know that my life is bleak? How dare they be going on as though nothing has happened.

My rational brain knows how stupid and pathetic these thoughts are, but my misery doesn’t love company, more so it thrives on an audience and I don’t have one (besides all of you of course).

I feel like the whole world should be mourning with me. I forget or maybe better said; I don't want to remember, that there is a whole nother world outside this prison cell of my own making.

I also know that tomorrow they will have another celebration and will have more people there which will include their grandkids. This will be another painful reminder, not only of the being alone, but the fact that I am not part of my own grand boys lives.

Although I don't celebrate easter--better said; what it religiously represents, I feel some guilt because my mom called wanting to know what I was doing tomorrow. Typically she and I have gone out to eat. But I can't do that this year (can't eat due to dental problems) and frankly I don't feel like doing anything. But the fact of her calling has now got me struggling with guilt on top of it all.

**** my neighbors!

i am so sorry that you are so unhappy. i hope that you can spend some kind of time with your family tomorrow.i understand that you feel alone and you need someone to spend time with like your family. lonliness is an awful thing to go through.especially it being easter because it is supposed to be a family thing. do you think maybe you and your mom could go out for a cup of coffee or something just to visit? sometimes it is really nice just to sit and drink coffee and get quality time together. hope this helps.:)

Thanks foxy. I have no "family" left and my mom and I do not have "that kind" of relationship (as I've talked about in numerous other posts here). As far as I'm concerned "easter" is just another sunday.
But thanks.

i understand that. my mom and i dont go out for coffee either lol. like once a year we go to lunch together. i understand the whole cant stand the neighbors bein all happy cuz my neighbors are the same way and before i was on my pills i was like i dont like them. lol. they were always happy and in their own little world. they are competitve with everybody on the street. if you get something new like a car they got to get a 2011. im not kidding. im like that is stupid. nobody is better then anybody else. and when we all leave this world it wont be going with us. it is just material things. sorry im going on and on to say the least i can understand your frustration.

From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder