Here is the letter I'm thinking of sending to my mother:
"I can’t keep pretending like everything is fine between the two of us. It hurts my soul, makes me sad, makes me angry. I try to figure out where it all changed. I can tell you exactly when, but don’t feel the need to go into detail. At this point, I wish to receive no phone calls from you. Please don’t attempt to call me once you get this letter or write: don’t call me for holidays, birthdays etc. The pretending like everything is fine has hurt my soul and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried to voice my opinions with you in the past but they have been disregarded and you control the situation in the end.
When my daughter (your granddaughter) lost her baby at 33 weeks due to a cord accident all you had to say to me was "I told you we should have prayed at her baby shower. That is why she died that night. Oh...are you giving the gifts back?" Can you be that void of emotion? Did it never occur to you to say "I am so sorry for her loss AND your loss as well?"
It’s time that I stand up for myself for once in my life, I can’t keep taking this, we don’t have a relationship and I don’t want to pretend like we do. I’m doing this for me. Don’t worry I’m not angry or bitter, actually I feel rather free and with the help of therapy I feel I will find peace one day. The thing that sucks about this the most, is your going to get this letter and be in shock but if we had a relationship you would already know what’s going on, but if you just sit back and think I’m sure you can figure it out."
This is something that has been going on for my entire existence with her. She lives with my brother and his wife in another city. I hear from her if she wants something to gossip about with them, but never do I have a sense that I am talking to the mother who gave birth to me.
beachlover, first i'm very sorry about the void between you and your mom i know it well. with out going into details my mom and i eventually had a relationship with hard work on my part.....she got older and could not manage on her own. my husband and i put and addition on our home and brought her from massachusetts here to texas in 2008 so i could care for her and take care of her daddys business (he had alzheimers and was hospitalized)
it was very difficult but there was some fun on a couple of occaisions.
april 30 2010 i went to check on her and she had committed suicide!!
the last conversation with mom was she said she was sorry, i said i'm sorry to ma......something has always been broken with us.....she then went to her home in the addition'
my reason for sharing this is just so that you take care of your side of the issues with your mom.......you don't want any regrets.
i hope it works out as best as it can be....prayers go to you hun
I just join this web site. I know all too well the frustration you feel about your relationship with your mother. And not wanting to pretend things are ok. My mother does this too. Somehow doing something together regardless how you get along, means that you have a good relationship. And if you want to talk about it, she can't see beyond herself only that you are the one to blame for your bad relationship.
Through yrs. of Therapy, I am finally able to seperate how I feel about myself from how my mother sees me. The line between me and her was a blur. I saw myself thru her perspective, a bad person not worthy.of love.
I will have no regrets when she dies, I have tried for yrs. on our relationship. It has to be both people making an effort. People with Border Line Personality Disorder, like my mother has, sees things in Black and White. They are always right, the world is wrong. They are not able to see other peoples pain. Its very sad. She is like a 2 yr old in an 83 yr old body. She has temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way, Always expects others to make conversation with her, everone else is wrong, etc... Very Narcissistic. She was not there for me when I needed her when I was a child and basically throughout my whole life , why would I be there for her now?