Day 1 No Drugs

So today is going to be the first day that I am not going to take anything or drink anything. I have never had a sober day since I was 14. I started out smoking a little pot, and having a 40 oz. with my friends after school. I did that for about a year and a half. At 15 we started getting into cocaine and some painkillers here and there. Nothing on a regular basis though. Next thing I know, I'm sixteen running from the cops with a bag full of coc in my pocket. My mom and the rest of my family had to give up on me, the night my mom came home and found me wondering around the streets in my boxers, drunk out of my mind and soaking wet. Supposedly I tried to hit her but my neighbor held me back. I can't even remember him being there. My neighbor took me to an AA meeting and I told the members of all the **** that I was doing. Needless to say that everybody was amazed (not in a good way). My neighbor never brought me back. Right around the same time, we found out about extacy. About two days into my extacy binge I was taking four at once. After awhile I started snorting it to feel something. I would take half a bottle of prescription painkillers and drink a 40oz. bottle of Smirnoff. One of my exes made me smoke dust with her a couple of times. I was snorting methyl-amphetamine. My last two years of high school consisted of waking up, getting high, going to school, getting high, leaving school, getting high, going out, getting high, going home, getting high and passing out. Found out about crack at 17. Bad couple of years. Would buy about $60 worth and smoke all of it at once. Would OD on a daily basis. Stopped for about a year. Relapsed with painkillers, now I OD about 3-4 times a week, sometimes twice a day. So I decided that today is going to be the first day I am going to stay sober. I am quitting cold turkey. Friday I'm going to see my old counselor, kind of excited. I have seen him before, when I tried to kill myself, and alot has changed. He helped me break down some of the walls I put up with my stepfather. I am really nervous about quitting, because of the stories about dry heiving for the entire day, and all that ****. My stomach is fucked up, last week I saw blood in the toilet. When ever I don't have at least a couple of painkillers in me, my stomach is on fire. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD

aurszenyi .... CONGRATS!!! And, thanks for sharing your story with us.

There are many of us who were like you and know exactly what it is your saying. You are not alone.

Just start out taking things one moment at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you relapse. Just try again and see if you can go longer the next time.

I would like to make a HUGE suggestion for you. Go to the Emergency Room and tell them you are trying to quit and that you have medical problems (the bleeding). This is probably an excellent way for you to get started and get the help you need. The resources that they will present to you will be sooooo worth it later on.

The hospital will most likely admit you, admit you to a facility or help you get started in an outpatient program. This will be really beneficial to you and it will make it soooo much easier to stop.

Just keep an open mind. You can do this. You will eventually stop self medicating and live life to its fullest.

Hi aurszenyi, Welcome to . Good for you on taking the step to get sober and clean. I suggest checking out AA and NA meetings. I also suggest seeing your doctor for a check up. I am glad to read that you are going to see your counselor. I also suggest letting someone around you know that you have quit so they can keep an eye on you while you go through withdrawals. I know sometime withdrawals can be bad but think of it like this - you never have go through it again. Take it one day at a time. Keep letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

I to suggest AA/NA...Recovery is an minute by minute, day by day battle...And we talk ourselves into to falling off the wagon so to speak. It isn't easy to do alone nor is it is to wait for Friday when today is only Tuesday. Until you are stronger lean on as many as you can for support. I know I have dissapointed myself many times. OH...and all you did is shocking but there is always someone out there who has done more and in the end still we are addicts.

NA/AA is a great suggestion...I also strongly suggest going inpatient somewhere to help w/withdrawals, especially with all that you've been on...Withdrawals can be just as dangerous as taking the drugs themselves...many do not know that when they try to go cold turkey...It's not a sign of weakness or failure to need help with this...I see it as a sign of strength to know you can't do it alone & to be able to ask for the help... I commend you for taking the step to turn your life around...yes it's hard, But ALL things that are worth it are... keep checking in with us & let us know how things are going....Remember, One day at a time...don't beat yourself up for mistakes... we are human beings,we are not perfect, we are bound to make them...I had over 115 days clean & i relapsed. i just picked myself up, forgave myself & started over with day 1.... You can do this :)

Hi aurszenyi!
Congrats are in order! It's wonderful that you have made this decision. And knowing what lies ahead of you will help prepare you to deal with the difficulties of getting sober.
Hang in there - we are all rooting for you!

So I fucked up on day 2. I don't think that I'm going to be able to do this without going to treatment. I'm just scared that I'm going to loose my job, respect from my family. So fucking pissed at myself for getting to this point. sometimes I wish that I would OD for good and never wake up. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and slip away. Watch my body lay there on the floor while my ghost floats above

If you have “passed” this long, then you are stronger than you think

You know, realizing that you need help is a huge hurdle to overcome. And you have jumped that. Check your employee handbook or check with your HR dept. They may allow you a leave of absence. Do you have aflac or some short term disability? There may be ways to get around losing your job. Also check with the rehab - they can probably help you keep your job.

As far as your family goes, they will probably surprise you and be very supportive. I think they would rather see you get the help you need to recover than to OD.

You have a little bit of work ahead of you so I got one question for you. How bad do you want to stop?

Aurszenyi I admire your awareness as you walk through your wreckage & acknowledge & express here what you see coming for that IS called learning & wisdom to NOT continue on that path your on & its a daily process, whereas family CAN be supportive to a POINT please be aware it takes alot out of them & their lives too by seeing what your doing to destroy yourself & cleaning up after you, it does & will take an emotional toll. I admire you for telling your story, it takes a big person to do that. We're all here for you if & when you want to vent, talk, share so others can read & learn from your experiences, good, bad or indifferent.

I'll be thinking of you, all my sterengths.
If you want to get mad at anyone, get mad at me!!!!! I can take it.


April, that is an excellent point. I never thought my divorce would take such an emotional toll on my parents, but it did. I think my mother is still devastated.

And I agree, it does take alot of courage to be open about such things.

And YOU learned Beautiful & thats why your teaching & sharing & spreading the message with others here..... Keep up the great work & take care of you.

Aww! Thank you April! You made my day!

Hi aurszenyi, If you feel you need treatment then I suggest checking it out. There have been many that have gone that route and were able to get sober and clean. If you are interested in going the route of treatment check this link and also . If you need help finding a treatment center please let me know and I will help you the best I can to find one.

Getting honest about our addictions and asking for help are the first steps towards getting sober and clean. Keep coming and sharing with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Hi Aurszenyi! don't look at it as messing up, try to look at it as learning from mistakes...And believe me I've made my own recovery...I've gone into treatment 3 times...relapse many more...BUT i've learned each time about me & life....It great that your becoming honest about your own addiction & recovery & about what you belive you need at this point...Check out the sites that bluidkiti gave you... remember we're all here to give you whatever support we can

congrats first of all. secondly, it sounds like you might need help. I would recommend going to the hospital, or signing up for rehab. i came to this conclusion by the last sentence, "I throw up if i don't have a few painkillers in my system".

Thank you everyone for your support! I need to check with HR if I can leave for a little bit. Me and my counselor couldn't meet because my car died. Hopefully I can meet with him on the 17th. I have figured out some of my triggers, and they say that I should try and eliminate some of the triggers that make me do drugs. I would love to but one of them is my girlfriends son. I can't think about leaving her. We are all that we have for each other. The thing is that her kid is soo bad!!! he never wants to listen always with the yelling and screaming, and it stresses me out. I think that if i got some anti-anxiety pills or something i really think that i would be able to stop. during the day i usually don't think about taking them, then when i get home and her kid is acting up and the baby daddy is there, i immediately call my dealers. so i don't know....

At least you know what your triggers are, that's a start.
I am very proud of you for seriously making strides towards recovery.

Don't try to fix everything at once though. You will become more likely to get discouraged and fall. One thing at a time my dear.

When you find youself getting aggrivated, try taking a walk, some deep breaths, drink some water or juice, have a piece of dark chocolate. They are all good stress relievers.

Let me know how you make out with the HR dept and most of all - hang in there! You are doing the right thing!

congrats on getting sober...its far from an easy road. however, the rewards are incredible. i am on day 15 myself. and i can tell you that it does get easier. please continue to post along your journey. just remember that you are important without drugs. i hope to hear from you upon another sober day.