I am trying to do everything right. Ace test here. Walk over hear. Eat balanced meals. Erase ED consumed thoughts. Be social with girls across hall. Dress nice. Make friends. Go to class. Be on time. Eat Eat Eat. Pretend you are fine. Eat more. Pretend food isn't on mind. Pretend you aren't sad. Pretend you want to eat. Follow meal plan. Pretend you don't want to shove all food in your mouth. Pretend to be someone else. Pretend. Eat. Pretend. Eat. AHHH!
Everything is so hard. Got my very first C in Microbiology and pretending to be fine with it. Got dressed up today to make me feel better from my failing my meal plan horrifically. Sadly I wouldn't feel that I failed it if I would have just restricted or purged- only since I binged and kept it inside. Tugged at my clothes/ pretending I thought I looked cute/ pretended I didn't feel like a whale/ pretended/ pretended/ pretended. I walk around all day, sit in my seat, sit on my bed, do my homework, walk with my friends and I cant stop thinking about how disgustingly huge I am.How I am always the fattest one around. Tell myself to Suck in my stomach because people think your fat and shouldn't wear that- I have walked around with my stomach sucked in since I was seven! And I am fat if I don't suck it in. I am always fat. I hate mirrors and reflective windows. They show how fat I am and affirm the thoughts of how fat I feel.
I have to follow my meal plan. I wish I could just not eat. But I have to because I want Mike to be proud. I want to be normal. To be able to stand up without seeing stars. I want to not think about my next meal. How many calories are in it. How much fat. I want to eat a cookie without feeling intense guilt. I want to eat anything without thinking about eating the whole box and purging. I want to look in a mirror and see what I really look like. I dream of so many things that seem so out of reach. I don't want to deal with any of this anymore.
I followed my meal plan perfectly today. I feel it is the only control I have. It keeps telling me to not eat. To skip. But no. I have to follow it. I will follow it. I will maintain structure. I need my brain to stop. I need to be healthy. I need to succeed. Which way is up?
I saw your post. I hate you are struggling so with every minute of the day. It's hard feeling as though you are different than everyone else, no matter how you are different. Just wanted to let you know you have support here. The best thing is take one step, one hour, one day... at a time. Your in my thoughts.
Hang in there and be strong. you can do this!
allee....great writing of YOUR truth! The structure of the meal plan, and the control that it gives you, is a true gift at this time! Hang on to that, and please don't allow the ED to detour you. I understand that you want Mike to be proud. I hope you can also be proud that you are fighting against the ED, which truly wants to control you and take your life...and it can, and it will.
The racing thoughts and feelings of panic that you express are not unusual, however horrible it all feels.
You have to go through this in order to put it all to rest...for good! Please don't give up and please keep up the good fight!! Thinking of you.....Jan ♥
I'm sorry that you are having a rough day. I understand how you feel and I feel those things quite often. The one thing I can tell you is that pretending is not going to help you recover. The thing that works for me is to feel, feel that eating makes you uncomfortable and sit with it, feel uncomfortable not sucking your stomach in and sit with it. If you keep pretending and don't actually deal with the problems you are going to be pretending for a long time. its ok to feel uncomfortable and to not succeed at something the first time or even the 50th time. The most important thing is to feel the feeling and then let it go, dont hold on to it or judge it. Accept that it is ok to stumble becuse the path to recovery is full of stumbles. I heard a really good quote in my group therapy today "superwoman doesnt live here anymore". Remember that when you are feeling pressure to succeed, to be healthy and to be perfect. It is great that you want your loved ones to be proud of you but remember that you need to be proud of yourself too. Make sure that you celebrate even the smallest things. Congratulations on not listening to the ed today. There will be a time where you can eat something and not feel guilty and the more you allow yourself to be human and make mistakes and learn from them and not listen to your ED the closer you will be to that. Keep up the good work and be proud of yourself :), Nicole
Oh Allee I can feel your pain when I read your post. I'm sorry you are feeling this way today. I completely understand all of these pressures and triggers. You are not alone at all. There is so much support here for you! Please keep writing here, I know how much that helps. You deserve to feel beautiful and healthy. Never forget that! You are in my thoughts tonight. Tomorrow will be better.
oh dear alle---you are putting such an extraordinary pressure on yourself! wow! goodness alle, you so dont desreve that! ooh allee and you are not fat, i think that too, and i know my saying your not isnt gonna help. this is just misery what is going on in your head and you need to talk TALK to someone about this--like a good GOOD therapist. someone who understands ED's ...
you do not need to be perfect, you are not a doll, but human( thats wha tmy therapist says when i try to fix myself like i was a doll) yo uare a human with a wonderful heart, a great brain and a life ahead of her!
allee...i don't even know what to say after reading that post except you are so not alone...i could have written that about myself word for word. I am so sorry we have to hurt like this. I don't understand either. We both have goals now though. We can reach them. we can fight that part of us that wants to starve, dissapear, die. It's lies. I'm not to the point where i can look at myself through others eyes yet either. But i hope one day i'll be able to. You too. You deserve every good thing life has to offer. you DESERVE it. i hope things do get easier for you. let me know.
An excellent writer? A few people on here have said that, but never before. I am just average I think. Writing never was my thing. But thank you :) Thats really nice of you