Hi all,
I joined this site a little over a week ago after I told myself I needed some online support to read and/or write to. I have b/p for about 20 years (now 40) and want to encourage those who are younger on the site that you don't want to end up like me at 40 still struggling with this! I have sought treatment (1 week in-patient in another city, several drugs, several phychiatrists, etc.) and none of them work. I'm unsure how I'm on day EIGHT of non-b/p at this point but am so thankful for it.
I sleep better, I see improvement in my skin complexion, I'm mentally happier -- WHY wouldn't I do this ALWAYS, right??
Now I have 2 kids to raise and need to be accountable to them.
I've always been at a good weight so its not like bulimia has helped me stay thin. I exercise and eat healthy (in front of others) in fact, everyone thinks I'm Ms. Healhty - people would DIE if they knew the real me - NO ONE would believe it.
I don't know why on earth I ever started this? Has anyone pin-pointed the cause of their bulimia? I've always read bulimia is not about weight but I think for me I may have thought it was a way to have my cake and eat it too. When I ate fattening food I would just feel so guilty...
Thanks for your continued support...
xoxo,
Caroline
Caroline,
It's a pleasure to read your daily updates. I think you are ready to let go of the ineffectual broken tool that bulimia is. I think 40 is a good time to grow up. Sure we wish we could have those years back, but regret is part of the human condition. Nothing is ever wasted. You needed the bulimia to keep you safe, or at least a very young part of you thought you did.
I speak from experience, I am 41 and have used bulimia to cope since I was 11. I have had a lot of recovery over the last few years, I seem to be free for 9 months out of the year every year. I believe I will let go permanently, but get impatient with these stupid relapses. For me it started after watching my older sisters puke. I was the youngest in a big family, I was nick named fat pat, and I found a great way to flush out all the money, alcohol, social fears of my childhood. I simply continued to use this ineffectual tool throughout my adult life.
I'm ready to move on, I'm ready to put my old rusty ineffectual tool in the dumpster, finding new tools is our work, our duty.
May you continue to love yourself whole.
Patsy
Patsy
Patsy,
Its great to hear from you again as well. I’m curious - why are you b/p free for 9 months out of every year? Does it have something to do with the school year. I have to say you are quite lucky to even be free of it for 9/12 months!! My body has taken so much abuse Patsy - I wonder how I am still here sometimes… I just hope I can stick to it. I have to take my kids to a “back to school party” in a few minutes but I ate a small healthy meal before and prayyyyyyyyyyyyyy that I can not go bananas when I see all of the food…
Sorry to hear about your upbringing regarding the name calling but it is so helpful to hear how others/why got started. When I have time I’ll start a post as I’m curious how others started and what age. It REALLY helps to hear stories from others who have suffered through this discipable disease…
Ok - take care!
Caroline