I have this weird dilemma–I have no shortage of them. If I’m watching TV or walking in public, if I think of something dark, both to feel powerful and to inspire my writing, I feel sensitivity in my groin, my stomach seems to rise, and the front of my body always seems to face the person whom I am getting a reaction out of. The problem I’m concerned with is if in any way I am trying to sexually expose myself to other people.
While watching television, if I see a villainous character who is sympathetic, I try to connect with their power. Perhaps just because of paranoia, if I try to engage in this fantasy of being a villain, I become sensitive to whether I am trying to expose people to my groin. Although I do not want to expose myself to people, I like the idea of having power. So to momentarily engage in the fantasy of being villainous, I turn my body towards a window to where a neighbor may or may not be watching so my pelvis faces that direction; I may also move my pelvis in a movement in that direction, but I do not know.
In public, when I am trying to keep my mind on something enjoyable, like writing stories, if I get into the dark mindset of a story, I feel the need to be powerful again. I become sensitive to my groin and the direction it faces. As I engage in the fantasy of being a dark character, I become more confident with a more confident body language. I believe I engage the fantasy for a moment to the point that I now face whoever I perceive to be facing me. I think it does that so it engages the fantasy of doing something wrong and so the dark nature of it inspires my storytelling. It is not inherently to cause actual harm or to actually expose myself, but these lines of thought worry me.
I talked with my therapist, who seemed to say, I think, that he thought the sexual thoughts were just ephemeral, just during my process of being “dark.” However, he seemed to have a problem with my process of being dark; he said to me to think about “What if other people could see what you were thinking?” I was confused if he wanted me to stop with the “dark” fantasies altogether even if it seemed nonsexual. He said try to be good in thoughts; try to be powerful by being good, is what I think he meant. What should I do?
lol your thoughts aren’t weird or abnormal. I think that you’re just exploring your sexuality, and well maybe you want to feel powerful. Thats not bad, and you should maybe imagine yourself with a partner who enjoys you taking charge and is cpnsenting and happy to engage in the power. So that in your fantasy your partner is excited (not afraid) of you expressing power. I think you’re pretty self aware, and maybe you just want to be SEEN for being a sexual being, and when you have a partner who is excited by your body, and wants to see it, I think it could be a pretty normal happy healthy experience for you and ypur partner. It’s weird that your therapist is labeling any experience as good or bad, or power as good or bad. power is power. As long as you arent taking away someone else’s power, and both people can feel powerful at once, it’s absolutely not dark. It’s an exploration of self. Now if you said you wanted to ake someone feel afraid of you, intimidate them, expose yourself so that they felt surprised shocked or frightened, then yes tjat would be something to look at because that would be considered a form of violence. But Im pretty sure, that when a person is attrqcted to someone, man or woman we naturally face towards them, try to connect with them, and want their attention. Thats normal. But yea I mean it’s normal to fantasize about the person you like being attracted to you, and having that be a source of feeling seen, magnetic, likeable, sexually desireable etc. Absolutely normal. The only tjing to be mindful of is just consent. Like if your partner is showing you signs of interest, smiling, seems happy and excited and actively moving towards you, these are signs they want to participate. If they are smiling but moving away, or trying to change the subject, showing confusion, or nervousness—these are signs they arent feeling respected or even afraid. And yes this is a type of power, but one that takes away power from someone else. I doubt you want to be an actual villain, because that comes with shame later. But it’s fine to be like a vampire or a charqcter badboy —as long as the villain arc comes with enthusiastic consent. Silence isnt consent. That is all. Hope it helps.
I appreciate your optimism and your response.
However, I do have moments, even though seemingly short, where I want to deliberately expose myself in public no matter who in particular is watching. I do not believe this represents a healthy growth for me.
I talked with my therapist about this today. He said he didn’t know how much I was literally “exposing myself” while thinking of being dark. This, I think for just moments, led to wanting to expose myself to feel power over others. He talked of how I have used constant fantasies to achieve feelings of power, especially if they are grandiose in nature; he felt I should get away from fantasies altogether as well as that “good” fantasies are constructive and contribute to others and the future. I wish he specified if both can lead to these moments of wanting to “expose” myself, or if it is only bad fantasies.
It’s hard to deal with this as I do no want to cause harm to anyone, but I always thought being dark or villainous was innocent in nature (wouldn’t it be just in the imagination?) and I was only using it to feel confident.
well im not a therapist. but idk the more you focus on something the more it grows in power over you. I mean go to a nude beach and just sit there. everyone expects it. see how it feels. i feel like youll finally get to stop being preoccupied and worrying about it. pretty sure fantasy is fine, as long as you arent hurting someone or enjoying someone’s non-consent in the fantasy. id try imagining yhey enjoy and want you to do it. that might get you back on ‘track’ with the fantasy.