Dealing with the Family

So I was just sitting here, because I'm having a lot of drama in my life right now. I think I am with the guy that I can finally settle down with and his family is getting in the way. I am getting to the point where I think they are interfering. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm at a lose right now as to what to do?

Hey Anne,
In what ways are they interfering? Can you be a little more specific as to what the issues are?

well his mom is very, I wouldn't say controlling but shes like I love you no one else, no one will do for you what I do!! and she doesn't do much maybe gives him money here and there and buy him things when they don't have the money. Almost seems to me like she's trying to buy his love. Then his sister, I believe recently tried to set me up to get caught cheating on him. She will sit there and tell me that he's no good for me and she can't understand why I am with him. Then I don't even know what she says about me to him, because he's says she tells him things I do that I don't even remember doing. I almost feel like she wants him to be hers only, which creeps me out

Sorry for not being more specific I am in a rut right now and Im confused

Shes the Lioness at the gate & possibly co-dependent. It would be wise to just smile & be kind & not let her try to manipulate the relationship further & when she trys to excuse yourself for a phone call or bathroom break, anything to NOT ENGAGE & go in a circle w/her. Follow your gut instincts, are you sure you want to be around this uneasy feeling & situation? I admire you for sharing w/us so others can read & learn other options, please let us know how your doing.

Take care of you.

April

anne139

Avoiding the situation is a great coping mechanism. Remove yourself when you can politely do so. Just try to be positive.

It sounds like his mom has some sort of fear that she is going to lose her son. And, it sounds like the mom has fostered this same sort of sentiment throughout her family (sister). The mom is getting other family members to help her hold on to her son. This sort of thing is common … I mean for the mom to get others involved in her way of thinking.

The only other advice I can offer is to move away from the family. Put some distance between them and you. I mean this for when you get married. The visits with his family will be far less frequent and life will be easier.

Good luck.

Thank you! This advice is very helpful. It's a lot to deal with, I started removing myself from the mother then all of a sudden the sister starts. Now whatever our relationship is, its not going to work out if I have to keep dealing with this. He is a different person after he comes around after hanging out with his sister anymore. I feel like she saying God knows what about me, and he is distant and acts like he doesn't want to work anything out. So it think its time to move on and if it's meant to be it will work out.

I wish I could share my story more in-depth but I am away today with minimal access to my computer this weekend. I would love more insight into the situation from people who can see my side since no one will let me explain myself. But that's sucky friends for you.

Anne139,
what a sticky situation, i have certainly had sister problems before and soon found out that she was just jealous because of all the time they use to spend with each other was now going to me and she felt left out so maybe it would be a good idea to sit and talk with her... even though you may feel like she doesn't like you, a lot of times it isn't the case at all... sometimes you need to sit down with that person and say "hey, i don't like the situation i am in, i really like your son (or brother) and i feel like there is this huge unhappiness that wont get resolved until i know what is going on in your head." and then they will open up and tell you either it's you being paranoid, or they really have some thoughts and they will let you know, you could also invite them on outings together maybe they want to see that you want to be involved in the family and sometimes that is all it takes... i did this and it made things a million times better. and if that doesn't work talk to your boyfriend about it and see what he has to say, because if you love someone the family should never get in the way of that love!

Not easy by any means, to move on, But the situation is making you unhappy already. Do you really want to be tied to that? If your having doubts about him already. Like you said, that he was (distant and doesn't want to work anything out). ** RED FLAG ** It's not likely to get any better. Especially when it's all family against an out sider.

I have a daughter that I haven't seen for far too long because her mother and I just don't communicate. "She always said Can we talk about this later"? And if I brought it up later, I got the same response. Essentially later never came. So she would sweep it under the rug and pretend it went away, when it didn't go away and never got resolved either. I firmly believe that good communication is essential to any relationship. Even friends and especially a mate.

Take note of the type of person he is,

So you don't end up in the same situation with a different person.
and unless there is some extra special reason not to go.

Find someone who makes you happy In every way for the most part and especially someone you can talk with and work together to make things as good as they can be.

trick

Thanks everyone! A lot of great advice.

Moving on may seem the right thing for me to do as hard as it will be. After a year and a half there is going to be a lot of adjusting.

@ckandl2010 I feel like I have tried talking to her, maybe not in the way I should have but I learned that she is a very fake person who will sit there and be like oh there is no problem your great. However its never sincere.

I am learning a bunch from this situation and have to get my life together and do what makes me happy.

I try to please people too much and it never works in my favor only has me get walked all over and toyed with.

My x-wife was like that. Not my daughters mother, different person completely.

As you may have noticed. Although I may regress for a while at times I usually try to keep an open mind, sifting out the negative things and collecting as much positive input as I can get.

Then of course after learning all this enlightening new stuff, I want to share it with people I care about.

My x Seemed to be a really good listener. We would spend many many hours talking about things. During which time I would often share all these cool new positive thing I had learned.

She would listen attentively, agree with allot of it, and make statements like “I should try that, or Thats a much better way to look at it”.

Later she would go out and continue to engage in the same negative and self defeating behaviors that she claimed were making here unhappy to begin with.

That used to just drive me crazy!! “You just said this.” “and now your doing exactly the opposite”. Aghh!!

Of course years after our divorce, I’ve learned that no matter how much you care or believe that what your telling some one will help them. Until that person has had sufficient experience to drive that information home. or has come to relate to those things on their own. There is little you can do to help them.

And even though you might think you’re helping by defending or protecting them from the consequences they’ve created. That’s pretty much what is referred to as enabling or codependent behavior on your part. Which isn’t good for you either.

Even though officially this group is labeled Depression. Very often that depression is supposedly caused or greatly exacerbated by our relationships with others.

Trick

I've learned that in life, you need to be who you are, at your best. Not everybody will always like you, and there is nothing you can do about that. I've had many people in my life dislike me for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Sounds like you have your hands full on this one. I'd be respecful, always. But maintain some good boundaries and ask yourself in you want to be a part of a family that dislikes you? That would be hard for me. Maybe this will all blow over once they really get to know you? Only time will tell I suppose. Sorry you are going through this. Keep us posted.

xo, July

Thanks again everyone!

It's still all up in the air there's really nothing I can do at this point. I don't see this ever getting better. I would never make anyone chose me and their family.

Hopefully it all works out for the best