Dear Supporters, I’ve just joined the group and don’t

Mental Health Depression & Mood Disorders
1

Dear Supporters,

I’ve just joined the group and don’t really know what to say. I don’t want to complain as I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lovely spouse (I’m homosexual) who supports me but does not always understand what I am going through. Things have been going a bit downhill lately. Looking back at my childhood I have had several signs of mental disorder, but things started to get out of control in my late twenties. I am know 36 years old, have two university degrees and no job. Psychiatrists and Psychologists diagnosed me with the following: Major Depression Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Chronic Insomnia, Chronic Head aches, Social Anxiety and Temporal Lobe Syndrome. I recently came from hospital having been diagnosed with Epilepsy (8 seizures in 6 days) which just happened out of the blue.
Last year I had a suicide attempt which I regret was a failure as my life had now split into two; before and after the suicide attempt (I spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric clinic afterwards). I feel like I am not supposed to be here. I’ve had so many tests done: CT scans, MRI scans, EEG, EEC, blood tests, spinal taps etc. I am now on 9 different medications which seem to keep things under control but my mind is in a constant foggy haze. I used to enjoy things like gardening, playing piano and cello and doing art, but I am just not interested or have the energy anymore. I currently live in Finland as I am the spouse of diplomat and am not allowed to work here. My driver’s license has been revoked due to the epilepsy. I cannot join a support group due to the language barrier (English is not even my first language). I hardly ever get out of the house and have no friends. IS THERE ANYBODY WHO CAN RELATE TO ME?

3 Hearts
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I may not be gay, but I can totally relate. I abhor psychiatric labels. I've had more labels than a campbell's soup can. I don't even research them anymore. i do well to deal with what is right in front of me. Here in the states, ( I, too, am seeing a psychiatrist and they don't like it when you ask too many questions about the side effects of meds....go figure) so I just show up for my appointments and nod alot and take home my meds and take only those I feel are good for me. I'm real good about researching what something is going to do to my body/brain in the long term and even bought a 40.00 book discussing the down side of almost everything I'm prescribed. I have attempted suicide as well, but it isn't the answer and the aftermath was aweful. I am so sorry for your seizures....it's so hard not to say "so what else can go wrong?", but I think that just jinxes everything and nature says, "well now, let's see", then flips through the catastrophy catalog to see what else can be doled out. Don't borrow trouble by asking that question. I'm 58 and have Chronic PTSD (along with a bunch of other mental disorders) and it's a drag. I too love to paint, draw and make people laugh.....well, I used to. Right now, I too am just muscling through each day. My partner doesn't get me either. Oh well. Force yourself to do one thing a day you enjoy even if it is for 10 minutes....guilt free! You sound like somebody that would be fun to have some wonderfully stimulating conversations with. I can't tell you how to handle all the meds, I just know on a personal level, I went to a natruropath and feel loads better physically than I have in quite some time. Now if i can just get my emotional brain to follow suit I'll be back in the chips. Don't wall yourself off if you can keep from it.....things can magnify in a hurry. Your thoughts are just your thoughts and you have the power to change them, you just have to start a little at a time. I'l send some good energy and thoughts your way and good luck

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Dear Sliphopper,

Thank you kindly for you reply and sharing. I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I just hate taking all the meds (side effects from taking then and then side effects if you start tapering them down to get of them). I am trying to very slowly climbing up the ladder to a more normal life. When my brain is not so fuzzy I try to work through books about Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. These books / therapy tend to help as they take you out of your mind and look at your situation from outside your body; how dysfunctional and irrational one can think. I can relate to one's spouse not complete understanding one's situation. (You probably know the comments "Oh, why do you look so down again today. Lift up your shoulders. Smile a bit"). Today was a bit of a better day. I watched some squirrels and planted a small rose bush. All the best of luck with your situation and thank you.

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@dirkjvanrooyen Hello, Welcome… Thank you for such an Honest Posting… I am sorry for all that your going through and, the emotional ‘Rollercoaster’ that, you / I am, also on… I can relate to, an awfull lot, of what you talked about…I am bisexual which, in itself, correlates to ‘STIGMA’… I call my head ‘muzzy-fuzzy’ as that’s, what it feels like constantly. Pyscihatrists, Therapists etc have told me, I am ‘Treatment Resistant’, ‘I Am Beyond Help’, ‘I’m Sorry, I Don’t know How To Treat You’ etc etc. the meds for me are complicated and many… Some I don’t take even though, I should but, when I do, I feel totally ‘Out-Of-It’ and, can’t function well… I too have two degrees but, due to my Health Issues, there is ‘No’ possible way, I could go back to work again… I’m extremely ‘Isolated’ and, have ‘No Friends’… I had my driving license taken back because, I was ‘Physically Attacked’ approx 8 yrs ago by 2 men and ‘Very Badly Injured’… Lost the sight in one eye and not much sight left in the other… This plays a part to my ‘muzzy-fuzzy’ head too… I suffer from and, have been diagnosed with Anorexia, Re-Covering Alcoholic ( approx 17 yrs ), PTSD, BPD, Fibromyalgia, Manic Depression, Extreme Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Sexual Anbuse / Torture Survivor, Anxiety Attacks, Flashbacks/Nighmares/Daymares, Suicidal Tendancies, Agoraphobia, Self-Harm - Cutting, Claustraphobia and a few more issues / problems…I feel as though, I’m in a deep dark hole and, I’m going deeper and, deeper until, the light is extinguished and, I’m in complete darkness and, lost forever…I don’t know who I am anymore… I don’t know me. I don’t want to be ‘ME’… I Don’t Want To ‘BE’! My body is covered in scars… I can correlate ‘Every Scar’ on my body to a time in my life…I can look at a scar and know exactly, what I was feeling, where I was, what was happening for me, how bad my memories of my Abuse were, the emotions I was feeling, why I had tried to commit suicide, the pain I was suffering etc etc. The Scars On My Body Are Like A map Of My Life’s Journey To This Point… I will leave this for now but, I would really like it if, we Private Messaged each other… I will ‘Supporr You’ and then, leave it up to you… I think we could be a 'Great Support / Help to each other and, I would like to get to know you better… I ‘Understand’ and, ‘Get’ what you are saying and, feeling as, It is the same as I feel… I would love to hear from you… Thinking of You and, Sent With Love, Trish x

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Hi!

I’m not laughing at the books that you read. I read books on UFO’s, unexplained phenomena, Science etc. I also love to watch people. Especially the Finns here in Finland. They are a strange lot; especially for me coming from such a different culture (South-Africa).
Planting the Rose was good. I always work in the garden without cloves to feel the soil. It, sort of, makes me feel more alive.
Squirrels can be very very naughty and basically destroy everything that I plant in the garden. But the way I see it, is that it is their garden and natural environment so who am I to impose. Our chimney luckily have a shutter a the top that can be closed from the inside. Needless to say it stays shut. Gardening also a bit difficult over here. We have about 55 to 60 days of summer and 6 months of winter and snow where the temperature goes down to -30 °C and we only have 3 hours of “twilight” daylight. Now that it’s summer we have 22 hours of daylight, something to ge used to.
Well, it’s off to bed now. I try to keep a regular sleeping scheldule, even if it is induced by medication.
Thank you for the chat and your valued time and attention. Have a good day and give yourself a pat on the back as well for doing something proactive!

2 Hearts
7

Hi Trish,

Thank you for the warm welcome! I have clicked on your profile name to support you but nothing happened. Maybe you can guide me as I am new to this group. Yes, the past few years have been a rollercoaster ride. As you have probably read, I am gay and luckily according to South-African law gay marriage is legal. I have been married to my spouse / husband for 4 years now. However, my condition certainly puts a lot of strain on our marriage. I’m sorry about the stigma surrounding your bisexuality. I read a lot about gay rights etc and wonder where you are from. Maybe the USA? I know certain states are severely stigmatized regarding homosexuality and bisexuality. I find it odd that a Therapist would tell you that you are treatment resistant, it is completely unethical (I am / used to be a healthcare worker an know about patient care and ethics). A lot of psychological methods do work and has helped me a lot (Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioul Therapy etc). One just needs to be open minded about it. I understand your frustrations about psychiatrists. I’ve seen 7 during the last two and a half years. I basically just go and see them to get my medication. I’ve been on so many drugs. The psychiatrist tries them out, your suffer the side effects and if the drug does not work you suffer the side effects of withdrawal. I get resistant to some of the drugs that I take but that is normal, especially when it comes to anxiety and sleep medication. That’s why I am not sleeping at 12:30 at night but cleaning the house. One thing that is important is that you do take all your medication. It takes time for your body to adjust to it but eventually the side effects subside somewhat. One drug that has worked for me is called Provigil which I take 100mg of in the morning. It is basically a “wake up” pill used by people suffering from narcolepsy. It reduces the sedative side effects of some of the medication and you don’t experience that “out of it” feeling so severely. It used to work well for me but, as you’ve probably read, I now live in Finland and the psychiatrists here refuse to prescribe it as I do not suffer from narcolepsy.
I myself am also very isolated and have no friends. When my spouse goes away on a diplomatic visit for up to two weeks I don’t speak a word. I am extremely introverted which I suppose is part of the problem. But living in Finland is difficult and most Finnish people do not speak English and dislike foreigners.
I can somewhat relate to you being a recovering alcoholic. My spouse is a recovering alcoholic and has luckily not touched a drop for the last 14 years. But ones an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Even though he has been sober for 14 years he still needs to attend AA meetings two times a week. If you don’t already attend AA meetings I suggest that you do so. Somebody from AA will certainly pick you up from your house. It will be difficult at first, being afraid to go outside. But from what I know is that people from AA groups are very accepting. Many of them drink because they have mental problems and they have all reached rock bottom. And one very important thing: Alcohol severely mess up the proper working of your medication.
I struggle with extreme nightmares as well, almost to the point where I want to avoid going to sleep. Suicidal thoughts is something that I deal with every day but lucky not to the point where I will actually do it. But it goes round and round in my mind. I basically try my best to stay alive and get better as I saw what suicide or attempted suicide does to ones family. It basically almost destroyed my mother.
When I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole, I try to imagine that it is just a very long tunnel but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Try to focus on the fact that at the end of the tunnel there will be light.
I’m sorry but I cannot relate to you cutting yourself and all the scars that you carry around. I have read up on it a lot. The fact that every scar has a meaning or a connection to an event in your life makes complete sense. Please take care as injuries from cutting can often be catastrophic, resulting in the cutting of nerves, blood vessels and most of all infection. I would like to leave you with a poem that I wrote some time ago (during my more lucid years) which I don’t share with many people. I hope that you understand it. At the end of the poem you will see that eventually, even though I don’t feel like that myself right now, there is eventually some form of release.
I hope that I don’t sound like some preacher, arrogant or a know-it-all in this message. These are just my thoughts.
Please take care,
Dirk

State of depression

A trigger: a thought, an untimely happening
creates a moment that becomes too much;
a heaviness
an obsessiveness
a rock bearing down on my chest

A secreted space of directness splits my head
filled with near impossible unhappiness
experienced in a second
that seems to last for hours

A moment of dislocation
dissipation
disintegration
fragments of echoed thought

After repeated time and incidence
back comes reality; slowly
back comes stability and
finally: discharge and release