My stupid ED never stops getting in my way. Today it was determined to eat no more than my set calorie limit. I did "well" all day and I have work tonight so I was packing dinner that would fit the limit. While packing I came across amazingly delicious muffins my dad bought for me.
I kept asking myself, if I were normal wouldn't I eat this? Wouldn't I not care what the calories are or the fat??? But I kept thinking how it won't fit in my calories, how guilty it will make me feel to eat it, if I will gain the courage to eat it if I bring it with me.
It's on my kitchen counter now an I am determined to bring it... I've been debating for 20 minutes whether to bring it or not. I'm terrified of gaining weight even though I haven't been on the scale in days. I can't believe this stupid muffin scares me this much and is causing this much debate inside me. I'm afraid it's going to make me gain a million pounds- just this one stupid muffin. How stupid is that- and yet it is so true! If I eat it it will bring me to almost my daily reccommended calories, if I were normal. And that scares me. I don't want to go on a binge cause that's what it feels like to me.
Anyone have any advice??
allee...I understand your fears. Is the allotted amount of calories you speak of, what YOU have decided is enough, or what has been recommended for you to eat each day?
During recovery, having a set calorie amount each day is a good thing, in order to learn to eat an adequate amount, and to learn to trust your body again. But if you are not eating enough, it's more destructive than helpful.
Jumping right up to a higher calorie amount could be triggering, but if it's recommended for you, perhaps you could ease up to that over a few days' time?
For now, how about substituting part of your other food, so that you can enjoy the muffin that you want? I realize that it's more complicated in your mind than that, but you are free to choose that if you want.
How can you plan to get up to that recommended calorie amount? Wishing you well...Jan ♥
Allee, I'm reminded of the cupcake sitting in my freezer... We've all had those moments... ;0) I was given a cupcake at the end of the school year by a student, from the best little bakery in the world! Yummy!! But I couldn't face it. And I couldn't throw it out. So... It's been in the freezer for a month and a half! LOL! Someday... Maybe SOON? I WILL enjoy that cupcake, as any normal person certainly would have. ♥
Set calories were refering to my own general rules, which I know is bad. The reccommended calories are just for someone my height and weight. I'm not seeing a nutritionist so it's just a guess.
allee....thanks for clarifying. Are you seeing a therapist? Have you considered trying a meal plan? This could help a lot with the continual issues with making decisions about what to eat. You don't have to live with this in your life! Take care...Jan ♥
Yes, I agree…having a meal plan written down for the day keeps me from constantly trying to figure out what I’m going to eat all day long and it keeps me out of trouble.
I stay away from trigger foods. I bring a snack with me to help during tempting times. I have a food buddy who helps to keep me accountable every day. We support each other.
If someone offers me something not on my plan I just say no thank-you.
I can stick to a food plan “just for today”.
No unfortunatly I am not seeing a therapist though I know I
should. And I would love to see a nutritionist o know how much I am supposed to have and not to feel the intense need to pick what to eat and how much. It's stressful and time consuming, and like today, it's very scary. Unfortunatly I don't think I can mentally even eat the stupid muffin after all. ED won today :(
Allee,
Sometimes the baby steps can make the big picture easier to handle. What says you have to eat the whole muffin? If it's calling your name you have a few choices. Ignore it (which is what the ED voice is telling you), eat the whole thing, which is what you say "normal" people might do (maybe....) or eat part of it. Perhaps fitting part of the muffin into your plan is a do-able thing. My personal experience is with my five sons and their love of ice cream. It's hard on them for me to constantly say no, so I have agreed to try and fit more and more of the ice cream into my plan. It really is what normal people do. Baby steps help us get back to the place we need to be, healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
~missy
I got home from work, determined not to eat it and my boyfriend said something about me looking thin. So instead of not eating and letting ED win, I made my self something to eat. I was feeling okay and still in control until I made something else and then couldn't stop. And my boyfriend got more concerned cause he knows I get upset when I binge. And he is right I feel like crap. My ED took control anyway making me eat a million things instead of nothing at all. Do I ever win. I must honestly say though that I don't feel as bad as I normally do when I binge which is good. My boyfriend sat down with me after my episode of eating and calmed me down and told me that I am beautiful(he is the sweetest thing). I feel eh kindof indifferent about tonight. At least I ate and I'm looking at this more positive, for the most part.
And when my boyfriend was gone, I ate a little more and purged. I haven't done that in about 3 weeks! I feel horribly guilty :( and I am so disappointed in myself... I'm sorry I keep ranting on and on today. I just have no where else to get this all put in the open or anyone who undertands and won't flip out by this behavior... I really need to get help. I think I am going to call the lady of the EDA meetings this week and go this weekend finally- or whenever she can fit me in next. I can't wait for school to start. This isn't getting any better like I hoped.
allee...you used the site for your own good, as you needed to. Being safe to share your journey can be very helpful. Even though the day didn't end up as you may have hoped, I wonder if you even know how you would have truly wanted it to go? You realized some sincere care from your boyfriend, which is great! I also hope you will take the steps to get help. This won't get better on it's own.
If you would like help with meal planning, I am happy to help. Never give up!! Take care...Jan ♥
The urge to binge can be all-consuming. It's not your fault. You didn't fail. Today is a NEW day, and you can make new choices. :) Jan's offer is a BIG deal! Working with her was the beginning (and middle and continuation) of my recovery. Take her up on it, dear! ♥
I would love help with meal planning. It's so stressful for me and confusing. Thank you everyone for such support. You are right hopeful, it is a new day :) and it's a new start so I am hoping today is better than yesterday